After the intense scrutiny China’s been facing as the Beijing Olympics approach, we’re baffled as to why another city would make a bid to host the Summer Games and risk facing a similar hacking. It seems that hosting the Olympics causes the international community to put all your human rights violations under the microscope. Go figure. So now that Chicago, Madrid, Tokyo, and Rio have all been named as the finalists to host the 2016 games, their countries (that’s the USA, Spain, Japan, and Brazil for all you geography flunkies) risk exposing all of the heinous acts they’ve been committing (you know who you are, Spain—coverer up of oil spills!).

If Chicago wins, will the world threaten a boycott in an attempt to Free Iraq? And if the prize goes to Tokyo, will the Land of the Rising Sun get yelled at for slaughtering whales to make perfume? And what about you, Rio? Don’t think we don’t know about your country’s mistreatment of Indians in the Amazon. Bastards. The only country who seems to have a clean record in all this is Qatar, whose city Doha just missed the cut. Maybe because Qatar wouldn’t hurt a fly. We’ll ignore those whispers of underpaid labor to prove our point, which is, that everyone—even the IOC—loves a badboy.