It's a truth universally acknowledged that last night's Oscars were something of a disaster. Absolutely nothing unexpected happened awards-wise, with the Oscar bait-y (but great!) The King's Speech cleaning up in most categories. James Franco and Anne Hathaway weren't great -- but they weren't terrible! James Franco was totally stoned. At least we have that. And Gwyneth Paltrow sang/bleated, something she does a lot these days. After the jump, some quick analysis of this year's un-young and un-hip show.

It's not that the Oscars being stodgy and old (like, really old: Kirk Douglas presented an award and there was an extended homage to Bob Hope) is unusual or bad. It's just that they were trying so hard to make it seem young. Just be you, Oscars. Having Anne Hathaway make multiple references to the "young and hip Oscars" doesn't make it so.

Hosts Okay. I expected a lot more out of them, but I'm in the minority there. For some reason I thought the choice of Anne Hathaway, who is not funny, in combination with James Franco, who is unintentionally (?) funny, was so counter-intuitive that it would just magically work. Nope. Every bit they did just kind of clunked right to the floor. The opening montage of visiting all the movies worked, but that was thanks to Alec Baldwin. James Franco disappeared for what seemed like forever to take bong rips backstage, leaving us with the specter of Anne Hathaway channeling Liza Minnelli. Then he came back in drag. It was a mess.

Presenters The highlight (or the lowlight -- I'm going with the lowlight) was Kirk Douglas/Father Time, who presented Best Supporting Actress. It seemed kind of gratuitous, like, "Look what a big show we're all putting on about respecting our Hollywood elders!" Then Melissa Leo came onstage, said a swear, and tried to take Douglas's cane. Most interesting five minutes of the show. Also notable: Sandra Bullock addressing Jeff Bridges as "Dude," as if it's an original thing she came up with.

Awards The King's Speech won the night. Totally expected but not undeserved. Black Swan was robbed, but I've been saying that since the Golden Globes. I'm just relieved that The Social Network didn't win Best Picture. That movie was simply The West Wing blown up to movie size and cast with computer nerds instead of politics nerds. Natalie Portman nabbed Best Actress, Colin Firth a well-deserved Best Actor, and Melissa Leo and Christian Bale's beard swept the Supportings. Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails won Best Original Score for The Social Network, causing everyone on Twitter to make an "I want to thank the Academy like an animal" joke.

Creepy Montages The dead people montage this year was particularly hard to bear, as it was accompanied by Celine Dion singing a song that seemed to have but one word: "Smile." Appropriate.

Performances Best: Randy Newman, but what else is new? Worst (but also kind of best): Gwynnie. She changed into a Dancing With the Stars outfit just for the occasion. (I'm not a fashion critic, but what is up with the preponderance of blush/nude sparkly gowns? Halle Berry has worn one every year since I can remember.)

Grand Finale A troop of Staten Island fifth-graders stormed the stage to perform "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." All of the Oscar winners marched forward from the back of the stage in unison, brandishing their statuettes. Everyone kept a straight face.

Anyway, it's over for another year. Wasn't half as entertaining as the Grammys, or the Golden Globes obviously, but the Oscars never really are. Could have used a lot more Ricky Gervais.