The sex toy industry is a 15 billion-dollar enterprise with a 30 percent growth rate. There are a lot of new products on the market. One such product penetrated our inbox last night. It is called Whiskey Dick. As per the release, "EpicMealTime’s whiskeylube is water based, hand crafted and proudly Made in America. The gold standard of booze-flavored massage oils, it’s aged four years in white oak casks and guarantees a velvety-smooth finish." Whiskeylube, it occurs to me, doesn't seem like an idea that popped up while a bunch of lady-friends were sitting around their book club, drinking chard and discussing Little House on the Prarie. "Fuck, girls," said Larissa, "I want to get fucked with a dick that stinks like alcohol." "I hear ya, sister," replied Clara, "but it has got to be aged four years in white oak casks." (Clearly I haven't been invited to any book clubs since I was eight years old.) But don't most sexual aids and/or practices begin in the mind of a clueless man? The answer is yes. We've chosen some of the most obvious.
"Fuck, girls," says Larissa, "I want to get fucked with a dick that smells like pork product." "I hear ya, sister," replies Clara. Never happened and will never happen. BUT! "Bro! Bro! Bro! When you goin' down on your girl, you dyin' for bacon, right?" That happens all the time.
Remember in 2010 when Doug Hines unveiled the first sex robot? Her name was Roxxxy and she cost $7,000. It caused a stir but, apparently, didn't move many units. Now Hines has unveiled Roxxxy Pillow. As per his site, "RoxxxyPillow is a $995.00 total base price sex robot which is kept in a pillow without anyone knowing she is on your couch or in your bedroom. But when it is time to talk or have fun with her, simply pull up the flap on the front and back of the RoxxxyPillow and she will come alive! Ready to talk or play! Also, she is very light - only 50 pounds. So, the price is right, her weight is light and she is discreet, hiding inside a pillow! RoxxxyPillow has three "working inputs" just like RoxxxySilver and RoxxxyGold, so that way you can interact with her in any way you would like! To reduce the price and to make her lighter, we removed her arms and legs." I'm just going to rewrite that last line because it is insane, "To reduce the price and to make her lighter, we removed her arms and legs." Did anyone ever see Boxing Helena?
Throwing Things On Women, In General
From bukkake to smoshing, the idea of a woman deciding she would like things or fluids or food thrown onto her as part of a sexual experience isn't very plausibile. Predictably, the inventor of Bukkake is a gentleman named Kazuhiko Matsumoto, who came up with the idea in the mid-1990s. The inventor of Sploshing, that is throwing food up on a woman, is unrecorded in the pages of history.
Tyler Hope Sex Toy Storage
This is a large teddy bear with a secret orifice into which women can stuff their sex toys. This makes the list because it bears all the hallmarks of an idiotic idea from a dude. "Gee, women love teddy bears and frigging themselves. Why not combine the two passions?" And, of course, this line: "Tyler Hope products embody the self-confident independent woman who doesn't hesitate to express herself or her desires." Because nothing says self-confident and independent woman like a stuffed animal with a dildo stuck inside it.
Obviously invented by a guy (a guy named Al Gore), and not overtly as a sexual thing. But that was, like, 50 years ago. According to a recent survey, 28,258 internet viewers are viewing pornography each second. Though that statistic is hard to decipher, it is reasonable to assume that by now that number has translated into five million Internet viewers viewing pornography, 33 percent of which involves at least one of the above elements: a teddy bear, bacon- or whiskey-flavored lube, throwing things on people, and an armless, legless pillow-woman.