America is a country of extremists: Tea Party-ers and Green Party-ers; gluttonous consumers and Freegans; abstinence advocates and Lady Gagas. Moderation is unpopular. Our mantras are “More, more, more” and “Less, less, less.” And though I understand that life would be much less exciting if stripped of extreme and excessive behavior, I do sometimes wonder if, when it comes to drugs, people (and by people I mean celebrities) could just chill the fuck out. Obviously I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan. As you’ve all heard by now, LiLo’s failed a couple drug tests, a bench warrant has been issued, and she'll appear before a judge on Friday to see if she’ll be sent back to the slammer. Now, I’ve known a lot of people who have enjoyed a lot of drugs. Some of those people - a very tiny percentage - have become serious addicts and have suffered greatly. Some have recovered and some have not. Addiction is not a joke. But most people do no become serious addicts. They don’t ever go to jail or ruin their lives and relationships. They just get fucked up sometimes.

Celebrities, on the other hand, don’t seem to understand that moderate drug use is possible. That there are ways of not getting caught - like not driving while intoxicated, or not leaving dead hookers in your hotel room, or not doing drugs when you have to take a drug test. It seems like all celebrities are either sober virgins or destined to end up in cushy, poolside rehab after one wild night. We, of course, encourage this behavior by writing and reading about each and every incident, and by never telling these celebrities that there’s such a thing as getting high with your friends without causing such a scene. I will not speculate as to the state of Lilo’s addiction. For all I know, she’s out there giving hand jobs every night behind 7/11 for a sip from the glass dick. But c’mon, Lindsay, couldn’t you have waited to do coke again until after your probation? Or at least bought one of those “how to pass a drug test” kits that they sell in the back of sketchy magazines? Put in a little effort, here. For your own sake.