The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, everyone’s favorite group of animal rights activists / attention whores, is currently running a contest on their website to find the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door. What makes one a sexy vegetarian, you ask? Well, sex appeal is a given, but the winners (one male, one female) must exhibit "enthusiasm, attractiveness, and potential to reach a wide media audience" (hey, it may be a contest, but that doesn’t mean PETA isn’t going to put these veggies to work!). They must also presumably have neighbors, and, looking at the past male and female winners, chiseled jawlines and big boobs. You can vote for your favorite now, and to help you I’ve picked the strongest contenders.
Paul, Kansas City, MO
Bio: You would not eat your baby, Would you? lol Don’t eat the ones you love.
Eating babies is against the law, which is the only reason why I haven’t chowed down on my hypothetical child. (I hate that kid.)
Jory, New York, NY
Bio: My favorite part of being a vegetarians is responding when people say, "but you have muscles!"
Sure, as a non-muscular meat-eater, I can’t really compete with Jory’s pecs, but I do understand subject-verb agreement, so that’s something to boast about, too!
Arthur, Wieringerwaard, NY
Bio: You are looking at someone who doesn’t rape or kill to fulfill his needs.
Raise your hand if you’re expecting to have nightmares in which Arthur rapes you with Swiss chard!
Benjamin, San Antonio, TX
Bio: My recently-deceased dog Henri — through his dignity, innocence and devotion — taught me to love all animals and not eat them.
I grew up with cats, so I haven’t had too many life lessons that prevent me from eating dogs.
John, Sunrise, FL
Bio: My food never had parents because my power comes from plants.
I can’t come up with a clever response because I have no idea what the hell that even means.
Michelle, Folsom, CA
Bio: Vegetarian’s newest family member.
Michelle married a guy who has two kids; the girl’s name is Molly, the boy’s name is Vegetarian.
Lori, Nipomo, CA
Bio: Redheads the *other*white meat
As a redhead and a human, I’m not too keen on the cannibalistic subtext here.
Dianne, Ashland, NY
Bio: I have devoted my life to educating the public on ALL the horrors of animal abuse.
Like Dianne, I love animals so much that I can’t stop staring at posters of mutilated dogs. They’re all over my den! (I don’t get to entertain much, but maybe Dianne would like to come over for some Pinot Grigio?)
Susan, Northeast, MI
Bio: I once carried a frog in my cupped hands through a sea of 10,000 women at a women’s music festival to safety in the "not so near" forest….as you might imagine, he was peeing the whole way! NO creature is less deserving.
I think we can all agree that there’s nothing sexier than an Indigo Girls fan covered in frog urine.
Mia, Houston, TX
Bio: If someday I’m in a jungle in Africa, here is to hoping the hungry lion I might run into is a fellow vegan!
Sorry, Mia. I hope that lion is not vegan.
You still have over a week to vote for your favorite sexy vegetarian! The two winners receive a free trip to Hawaii via PETA’s Member Advantage Program, which offers travel discounts to aggressive, outspoken animal activists across the globe (another bonus for going veg, right along with the potential iron deficiency). And if you’re not too keen on any of my picks, you’ll be thrilled to know that there are hundreds of narcissistic vegans and vegetarians desperate for your votes.