People sometimes try to present outlandish arguments to me as a past-time. Sometimes they'll make a case for how Alyssa Milano is a "hot babe" and has a "sweet ass." I tend to stare back blankly as a result. Other times, they'll say that Ashton Kutcher's comedic stylings are sharp, cutting edge, and positively uproarious. At this point, I suggest they ease off the Irish Car Bombs. But to their credit, their incoherent outbursts represent something edifying: that part of America that time forgot. A part which also inexplicably remains a hindrance to all progress. These are people who appreciated Alyssa Milano on Who's the Boss, but not so much on Charmed (that conflicted with their warped world views.) They also enjoyed guffawing to Kelso's antics on That '70s Show too. And what better way to gently take this distrusting chunk of the American electorate by the hand and say, "No, friend! Universal health care is not a step towards full-blown communism! It simply means that parents who otherwise can't afford to can buy a thing to cure their child's sickness. So he doesn't come to school and infect your ugly brat." Yes, Milano and Kutcher may be excellent casual ambassadors for this issue as it goes up against the blue-hairs in Senate.

With one of Oscar's biggest players entering the box office ring this past weekend, the most resounding breakthrough rumbled just outside the top ten. The usual brawlers were there: that Michael Jackson documentary, a fantasy movie about a child and some monsters, some film about goats and George Clooney, and of course Disney's latest attempt to reinvent Charles Dickinson, despite Vanessa Williams' success with that initiative years ago. While Disney's A Christmas Carol leads the pack on numbers alone, the $200 million production budget saw only a seventh of that money trickle back with about $31 million opening sales. Many are terming the film a "flop" even though there's still over a month until Christmas. Precious is enjoying the opposite fate.

Well, wasn't that an upset! Last night, all signs were pointing to The Wanda Sykes Show over Taylor Swift's double duty on Saturday Night Live for comedic relief. It seemed like a no-brainer, really. Sykes has a nichey store of acerbic, self-deprecating jokes well-designed to court goodwill in post-Bush America. And last night, she was also assisted by the delightful Mary-Lynn Rajskub, who works full-time at 24, but remains revered for her quirky cameos. Still, somehow the world flipped upside down. Unfortunately Sykes found herself thin with jokes. Meanwhile, Swift pulled off an SNL coup that so top-notch that had it even been an on-day for Sykes, she still would've shined.

As a rule of thumb, the words "promising" and "Ashlee Simpson" should never be situated within close proximity to one another. Unless it's to form a sentence like "Ashlee Simpson is promising to leave showbiz and entering a convent." That said, getting ejected off-screen could possibly be the lift that Simpson's career requires. Especially if it means she'll be tap dancing back to Murderess Row to reprise her role as Roxie Hart on Broadway's Chicago. In fact, for a popstrel who has branded herself with tepid tunes and an unimpressive bit parts on-screen, the relative ease with which Simpson shines as the firecracker is surprising. Somewhere within her is a performer who could always easily transcend poor showmanship. But she was weighed down with substandard material. Sounds like another former pop star-turned-primo performer we all know and hold dear to our hearts.

What a whirlwhind day for rock heroes! Both past and present. The terrifying trichotillomania-inducing bad news first! Steven Tyler, in a diva-ish homage to Geri Halliwell's abrupt exit from the Spice Girls in 1998, stunned his bandmates with news/lack of further explanation of his own departure. Guitarist Joe Perry says that he knows nothing further, while bassist Tom Hamilton glibly offers how Tyler is always angry at the band. And if the parallel plotting of the Halliwell-Tyler trajectory is true, then just about now, Tyler gearing up to spread (testicular?) cancer awareness on various little-seen chat shows. Reasonable people, however, would've been right in assuming that the band split way back when, shortly either after this single or this one. But enough dwelling on the past!

Although we're still a half-day away from Taylor Swift's two-pronged Saturday Night Live assault of blandness, it wouldn't be entirely premature to assume that tonight's episode, so darn full of Swift as it is, to bring out the narcoleptic in all of us. And if the evening turns out one of those decidedly Kristen Wiig-lite episodes, we may just lapse into a coma. Which could be avoided by switching over to Fox. Once home to MADtv and occasionally, reruns of V.I.P., the scattershot network is filling its Saturday late night slot with The Wanda Sykes Show. If this variety show is even remotely as sharp as Sykes' stand-up, channel changers lingering on SNL for an elusive chuckle may find themselves with a high-spirited new option.

Like the cleaning of a house, Rihanna's press circus never ends! Although last night, her 20/20 segment finally wrapped up. The rest of the world sighed a humongous cloud of relief because this sit-down with Diane Sawyer looked promising. It was a humble, pitch-perfect way to close that part of the pop star's life before she fully immerses herself into her Rated R campaign. Face-to-face with Sawyer, Rihanna showed that she has it in her to make peace with this altercation. And despite being well-timed, in case this tabula rasa misfires, here's a considerably more palatable alternative! Regardless, in her provocative interview, Rihanna kept an admirably cool, level head. She wasn't on a mission to point fingers, assign blame, or ravage the last flecks of meat dangling from the corpse of Chris Brown's career. She simply sussed out the events of that fateful February night, picked apart the psychology leading up to those events, and shined light onto a history of domestic violence in her family.

I didn't go to the Yankees parade today, because as much of a fan as I am, the kind that go to parades are the kind of sports fans I try to avoid in general: people who can get out of work on a Friday and be shitfaced before I even wake up. Well, these were the people who got to watch Yankee mascot Jay-Z perform "Empire State of Mind" for Mayor Bloomberg, the World Series-winning Yankees, and the thousands of drunk people who descended on downtown New York, from the Battery to City Hall, to scream at their favorite team, centaurs and all. Video after the jump. The image of Jay-Z rapping in front of City Hall? Priceless.

Look. I know Mo'Nique and I didn't see eye-to-eye in the past, but that doesn't mean I think less of her as an actress. In fact, I'm still pulling for her to pick up an Oscar win, possibly as a tasteful eff you to less-deserving victors of yore. Also as a bird-flip to the Academy who probably assume that with her unique body of work, she'd never get within spitting distance to even a Best Supporting Actress nomination. In fact, she and I celebrate our birthdays within a day of each other, so I could think of no one more fitting to uncork a bottle of champagne with. Another reason to pop the champy? Today, Precious opens everywhere (well, New York and Los Angeles anyway). Many of you are probably coordinating your happy hours accordingly. But somewhere in your post-movie regiment this evening, you may need to work in a restaurant conducive to eating your emotions, as the film is set to leave salt deposits on your face. Five suggestions after the jump.

You know what's been really singeing the edges of Miley Cyrus' lone brain cell? How not to be such a tabloid magnet. The pop coquette said to a friend who told an ex-girlfriend who told a pre-op trans-centaur who inevitably told a tabloid, "People will always say that I'm overworking, overexposed and want all this attention. That's not true." Surely Cyrus realizes that her voice will always be heard around the world, like the hyper-amplified bleat of a sheep. Whether it's her take on issues like unemployment topping 10.2% or her views on flarf poetry, everyone will always wait for the Miley Moment before continuing further discussion.