I JUST came back from the perpetually underwhelming Coffee Shop in Union Square with the girl. It’s far from the Elite Model farm team that it was when I was a handsome 14-year-old LA transplant. Back then I used to cop two dimes for a quarter, nahmean? Chelsea Now reveals in an interview with co-owner Carolyn Benitez today that Coffee Shop is expanding beyond its ugly walls and the worst bathrooms to do drugs in this side of a midtown pub. Owners will be taking over the lease of that silly lil' Chelsea area Empire Diner that I pass everyday en route to better meals. I know what you’re thinking: he reads Gothamist. It’s true. But in my defense, I was checking the weather. But what of Empire and their low-lidded waitstaff?

The Diner will still be open 24/7, Benitez assured the 17-year-old kids at the counter waiting for their parents. However, she is planning on “radically reinventing the menu.” We can only hope that this radical change involves the dramatic transition from your traditional diner menu to your traditional coffee shop menu. GET EXCITED, AMERICA. Also, the name will change, apparently. Probably something pedantic and unnecessary to kowtow to neighboring art galleries. My vote is for The Blueprint 3 or something stupid awesome like that.

Want to get a free drink at Coffee Shop? Here’s what worked for me: “I’ll have a Maker’s neat,” mumbled I. “Are you a bartender?” was the reply. “No.” “Oh,” the gentleman exclaimed as he kept his fingers on my freshly poured glass like a chess piece. “Wait, what did you say?” I attempted. And upon repetition of his question and my new answer of “Yes. Yes I am” he slid that nut brown double drink across the bar and said “on me.” News you can’t use, internet.