Ladies, you might be earning higher degrees and more money than your gentlemen counterparts, but you’ve still got to play by men's rules. Take for instance the Sunday Styles piece The New Math on Campus. The New York Times spent the weekend providing reasons why most college gals can't land a man (it's because they text them after meeting at a late-night diner!) Then the Daily Mail did all of womankind a solid and investigated why ladies should order salads, and refrain from wearing fashionable clothes on their next date. Follow these man-friendly rules and maybe you wont be alone this Valentine's Day.

Despite the fact that women now outnumber men in both attending college and earning degrees, the Times argues men still “have all the power” and are turning women into shameful slutbags who find themselves watching a “George Clooney movie with pizza boxes strewn about" on Valentine's Day. The article says, “women do not want to get left out in the cold, so they are competing for men on men’s terms,” and the boys are making them "lose out" by pressuring them into "ceaseless bed-hoppin." The Times paints a harrowing portrait of what a successful and studious college woman's life looks like when they're besting the male competition: loveless, obsessive and lonely.

Besides going to college, you can also make your life loveless, obsessive and lonely by wearing a YSL blazer, jumpsuit, skinny jeans with flats or anything incredibly fashionable on a date-- or so says the investigations of one Liz Jones in the Daily Mail. She took it upon herself to find out what the men hate to see you in, if you happen to land a date with a straight member of the fashion-police. Her "research" suggests that perhaps our "addiction to fashion indicate we are not good girlfriend material." This supposition came after a man at a business meeting saw her YSL label and rolled his eyes. She inquired what was wrong with her jacket and the gent didn't hold back, "it's French, it's designer, it's expensive and it means you're probably going to be a complete pain in the arse." Totally rip that YSL off right now if you want to date a dude like that.

"What else?" Jones inquired. "Your shoes are too high and clumpy, your bag too big and heavy - I just know that I will be asked to carry it at some stage; either that or it will bash me in the leg." Though one might have felt compelled to leg bash and run, Jones took it as an opportunity to tell you what not to wear, if you want a fella. No skinny jeans and flats since one man suggested they were "just ghastly." No jumpsuits because men might think it'd be too tough to get you out of. And no prints! Because "men hate prints - they see them as too girly if floral, too scary if graphic. Colour frightens them."

Should you find yourself on a date, obviously not wearing a print top, The Daily Mail's Meredith Young would like to obsess over what you ordered, which she thinks is probably a salad. That's because you're using these leafy greens "to transmit a subliminal message to potential suitors." That message is not that you try to stay healthy-- or that you actually like salad-- it's that "the salad leaves are meant to say I'm pretty; I'm attractive; I take care of myself." Very expressive leaves.

Self respecting women who've made it out of puberty alive know this: the cataloging of obsessive and submissive behavior only creates more of the same. Sure, Liz Jones does stop for a beat to weakly wonder if "men are intimidated by women who dress fashionably," but that doesn't stop her from hawking Man's Ultimate Fashion Wish List. And while Meredith Young does admit that women are also doing a bit of their own judging in that "'social status and wealth affect men's romantic appeal to women more than physical attractiveness" she doesn't spend the rest of the article wondering if men use subliminal messages of their own during the date-meal. Seriously, if women were investing all of this time into manipulating their date with subliminal lettuce leaf messages and purging their closets of skinny jeans and flats, they wouldn't have the time to be breaking all of those collegiate glass ceilings in the first place.