So I just glanced down at my nonexistent wristwatch and y'all know what time it is? Time to put to bed unsavory rumors that find one of the world's worst pop singers will escort an Oscar nominee down the red carpet. So here you go: Adam Lambert will not be Up in the Air's Anna Kendrick plus-one to the Oscars next month. I know it's cute to think, "LOL! What if a boy who likes other boys goes with a -- gasp! -- lady to a public function where all the town will be a-flutter?" And to be fair, it wouldn't exactly be the first time, because everyone in Hollywood may be gay anyway, their ladies playing the role of well-dressed beard. And with this role priming her to slide up into the A-list, it only seems sensible that Kendrick, to the utter despair of some gay men, should elect one to be her pinkest, glitteriest accessory. After all, it's a piece of well-iced bling that helps one tart stand out from the next at the Oscars.

● Oscar nominee Anna Kendrick may bring Adam Lambert to the Oscars, to class up the joint. [Movieline]
● An intrepid reporters has a rendezvous with Nevada’s only prosti-dude. Must read. [NYPost]
● Gabourey Sidibe continues her charm offensive, in this morning’s interview about her Oscar nomination. [Jezebel]
● Find out if your city likes Gaga and Radiohead more or less than other cities around the world. [My City vs. Your City]

● Helping Haiti has officially gone off the rails: Adam Lambert auctions off pair of his “sweaty” undies for charity. [AceShowBiz]
● Bill Gates was photographed dancing at Sundance this week: Now watch the remix while Apple pwns him. [Buzzfeed]
● Baudelaire, Poe, Kerouac, Faulkner, Rand and other famous literary drug addicts. [Life]
● Elizabeth Edwards finally leaves John Edwards. [Perez]

Sometimes it's best to make sense out of one incredibly shitty record by looking back at another incredibly shitty record. So let's compare Hollywood nuisance Heidi Montag's first full-length album to Adam Lambert's. Sure, Lambert can sing, or wail, and Montag can barely talk, but like Lambert's For Your Entertainment, Montag's Superficial prematurely flat-lines. Not that we were holding out for Montag to be good, but with $2 million spent on the record, including on songwriter Cathy Dennis (responsible for Britney Spears' "Toxic" and Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head"), we expected at least one piece of disco glass among the turds.

Before you give yourself a concussion head-desking about what a terrible idea it is to bring shock-and-blah, flash-in-the-pan Adam Lambert in for some unnecessary guest turn on Glee, rest assured! Everyone's favorite FCC complaint will not be appearing on the serial, which would've found him gaily mentoring Glee's resident gay. But the fact this Glambert cameo will not come to pass, endangers a few other soap operas close to our hearts.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wow, these music videos would be really great if someone were to tack on bulky, stupid ads before and after each one?" Well, friend, you're not alone! Because you see some dinosaurs nearing extinction got together, pow-wowed, and cooked up Vevo. You see, Vevo is what we'd categorically call as "last-ditch attempt at saving face," because no one buys CD anymore. And rather than actually be taken task for making too much money demonstrating too little effectiveness, RIAA suits would rather find a way to take away more of our happiness.

You know what pop music needs about now? Another contrived grab at publicity by way of lyrical catfighting. Courtesy of Eminem, of course. Because no one pays attention to him unless he's pitifully trying to drag pop stars over coals. His latest targets on his song "Elevator" which appears on Relapse: Refill: Obviously gay pop singers Lance Bass, Clay Aiken, and of course Adam Lambert. The rapper opens fire at them through the lyrics "fake, it's"--an excerpt spun as a homonym for "faggots." Oh Emmy-Nem. I see what you did there. Spinnin' words and breakin' hearts!

Full disclosure: None of this is to say that I've reversed my verdict on Adam Lambert's boring miserable mess of a debut. However, It's easy to sympathize when airtime is being given to the boringest of miserable messes like Chris Brown because Lambert's unfocused, reactionary brand of gay showmanship annoyed the four North Dakotans who man the PTC control center enough to make ABC backpedal. So, ABC, please listen closely. You're being foolish. Adam Lambert may be stupid too, but he's smart-stupid.

● That alleged Jennifer Lopez honeymoon sex tape being shopped around by first ex-husband Ojani Noa is not so big on the actual sex part -- just a lot of clothed pre-fame Jennifer Lopez. [People]
● Speaking of Jenny from the Block, she’s calling out other celebs who claim they don’t read tabloids, revealing she keeps up with herself in the gossip rags; other celebs who say they don’t are “liars.” Take that Jen Aniston! [Showbizspy]
● The latest Victoria Secret Angels -- like Alessandra Ambrosio, Selita Ebanks, and Chanel Iman -- talk about getting runway-ready; imagine 4- to 6-hour workouts, waxing, and cleanses. It’s not easy looking professionally hot. [Elle]

It's with much hesitance that I lift this well-meaning moratorium on the d-word. It's pretty grim when a magazine bookends a year with Tom Cruise and John Mayer. It's also grim when it's a man-mag rifling through a shrinking readership for an even further shrinking demo (desperate straight men lacking self-awareness) but alas, someone must write and/or pretend to read features like Details' "Meet the Gay Douchebag." And a month after its Adam Lambert cover? Coincidence, that. I digress, though. Over the year, Details has had a few anomalous coverguys, finding distinguished marks in Jason Bateman, Clive Owen (pictured above), Matthew Fox, and Eric Bana (though it's not likely any of those fellas sold many issues) . Which makes the other two-thirds more problematic. Surely Hollywood isn't so dry on the Batemans and Owens of the world that we have to have John effing Mayer foisted on us? Most of the year in Details covers after the break.