The glory of the Obama inauguration aside, it’s been a pretty rough time to be an American, and many of us are feeling it. Wars, waterboarding, W., foreclosures, financial foolishness ... Hell, Farrah and Michael Jackson just died. But you know what? Saturday is the Fourth of July and goddammit, that means it’s time to take a moment and salute the flag. I prefer my tributes to the land of my birth to be corny and sweet. No reading the Declaration of Independence aloud for me. Too earnest. But no snarky Eurotrash derision either. This is a great country with a great history well worth celebrating. That’s why I strongly encourage all of you, when inevitably invited to one of the holiday’s de rigueur festive barbecues or get-togethers, to bring the flag cake. (If you’re doing the hosting yourself, this is your dessert.) Full disclosure: this is the Donald Rumsfeld of cakes -- it will shock and awe at first, but is frankly kind of stupid.

Invite the most vivacious, witty blend of friends and acquaintances, lubricate them with the smoothest cocktails, and serve them cuisine that would make even Mario Batali smack his lips -- but as a host, if you don’t come with the right attitude, the whole evening will be a flop. Entertaining at home is a personal statement. It’s your home. Behold these commandments, though you’ll forgive me if I dispense with the Thou Shalts:

1. You are the weather. Guests who come to your home will respond to your mood. They can’t help it. So forget your worries, c’mon get happy. We all have annoying bosses, wardrobe anxieties, kitchen mishaps. When your guests walk through that door, create the illusion that you have hung all your crap out to dry for a few hours because you want these favored people to have a swell night.
2. Bright idea. Turn down the lights. Strike a match to a few candles. This isn’t your sophomore Econ study group. Bright lights are great for reading the fine print on your prescription allergy medication or performing home surgery on ingrown toenails, but not for socializing.

It’s the safe host who succumbs to the simple allure of the familiar. A summer dinner party? Burgers, he’ll pronounce. Yawn. But a good old-fashioned cheeseburger done right is pretty hard to beat. In these times of national uncertainty, it’s nice to remember that the U.S. of A. did come up with a few good ideas along the way. The key to making burgers work in 2009 is enhancing the production -- adding a touch of originality.

Mahalo Burgers: Buy good ground beef, preferably organic and grass-fed (zombie cows pumped up on antibiotics and eating their own waste are not the edgy direction I’m talking about here). Mix your meat with onion flakes, salt, pepper, maybe a dash of Worcestershire sauce, and slap together a few patties. Slice up the cheddar so it’s ready to go for the last few minutes. Also buy a big juicy pineapple. Cut it into rings, and not too thin because they’re going on the grill.