Unlike her younger self Megan Fox, nobody doubts the acting abilities of Angelina Jolie. You know that shiny gold man she keeps in that cardboard box in the attic? Well, it's called an Academy Award, and she won it for being an excellent pretender. Today, we get our first look at Angie's latest exercise in make-believe, in the trailer for her espionage movie Salt. Jolie plays a CIA agent who is wrongly accused of spying for the Russians, and she gets chased around New York City by people who may or may not be her friends. Angelina Jolie's fame is so mind-fucking that it's hard to imagine her as anything else other than the mother of Brad Pitt's International School of Children, but her talent is so huge that she can vanish into just about any role. After the jump, we have your free pass to Acting 101, taught to you by none other than Angelina Jolie herself.

● Brad Pitt (dressed as Lance Rock of Yo Gabba Gabba) and Angelina Jolie (zombie) took Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh for some Halloween fun in L.A on Saturday. [Radar]
● Edward Norton was one of many that participated in the New York City Marathon yesterday, finishing in 3 hours, 48 minutes, and 1 second; he was running to raise awareness for the Maasai Wilderness Conservation Trust. [E!]
● Elton John’s tour with Billy Joel is being put off after John contracted a case of E. coli and has been ordered by doctors not to perform. [CBC]

● Jon Gosselin’s current girlfriend Hailey Glassman says he’s “emotionally abusive” and throws “mantrums,” although she still loves him and is still with him and don’t worry she knows their relationship is “not normal.” [People]
● 50 Cent declares: “the credit crunch has hit rap.” Need proof? The rapper must sell his old diamonds before he buys new ones. [Telegraph]
● The Catholic League is mad at Larry David’s alter-ego Larry David, who accidentally peed on a painting of Jesus in a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. He's also Jewish, not that there's anything wrong with that. [Popeater]

With the "R" in her LTR set to splinter off and drop out entirely for Rosie O'Donnell, perhaps there's no time like the present to go on the record about close calls and missed encounters. O'Donnell, known most famously for portraying Betty Rubble in the 1994 film adaptation of The Flintstones, has already hinted at trouble brewing between her and partner Kelli Carpenter. And while no one's driven the final stake through their love, O'Donnell's already started shooting her mouth off about a sweet, tender, steamy love that once almost was. With Angelina Jolie no less. It's a tale as old as time itself, but evergreen like pines in the Great North. It's the traditional tale of the fat girl waiting by the punch bowl at the prom for the sexy mom of six to float over to her and initiate the first dance.

● In Michael Lohan’s guesstimation, Lindsay Lohan has a week, or a month, or a year to live and needs to be in a long-term rehab, lest she wind up like Heath Ledger, who Michael would like you to know was very close to Lilo. [NYDailyNews]
● Lady Gaga’s ninth tattoo will be a dedication to her father, who lived through open-heart surgery. Fittingly, Gaga plans to get a heart with the word "Dad" inside of it. [ContactMusic]
● Natalie Portman defends her vegetarianism by comparing eating meat to rape. [Celebrity-Gossip]

● Is Lindsay Lohan picking over Sienna Miller’s sloppy seconds? Lindsay was evidently late to her court appearance last week because she was making out with Balthazar Getty at a club till the wee hours of the morning. [Dose]
● Blue Bloods, the vampire TV vehicle Mary-Kate Olsen was to star in for the CW, was not picked up because it was too similar to Gossip Girl. Er, OK. [Limelife]
● K2 Productions, which directs the Miss California USA pageant, is suing Carrie Prejean to get their breast implants back -- or at least the $5,200 they paid for them. [E!]

● Michael Lohan is suing Perez Hilton so he “stops with the pornographic and the obscene material” on his website…meaning he wants Perez to stop drawing penises on his daughters faces. [Contact Music]
● Angelina Jolie is taking over for Charlize Theron in the film The Tourist where she will play yet another gun-toting bad-ass. This time it’s an Interpol agent who manipulates an American tourist for her own purposes. [Just Jared]
● Britney Spears is really dedicated to staying sober. That’s why she’s insisting on random drug testing for her whole tour crew (all 225 of them) while they are touring Australia. [Herald Sun]

Scandal! Duplicity! Maybe-sex! Really all we're missing is a raving Cathy Moriarty from this super-secret tête-à-tête that paparazzi sustenance Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston conducted at the Essex House Hotel. And while details range from few to none, an insider -- quite possibly Iran's President Ahmadinejad, as he was dissed by the hotel a while ago -- noted that the rendezvous lasted an hour and that "She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history." Apparently Aniston also wants no part in Brad's split from Angelina. These details are more than enough intel to determine just what possible talking points were inside the Essex on that fateful night.

● Michael Bolton would like you to know that Lady Gaga is straight up “bonkers.” How does Bolton know this? Because the singer, pre-"Poker Face" fame, came to his hotel room to write a song with “only tea cups covering her nipples!” [Showbizspy]
● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie flashed the rarely seen Vivienne and Knox at a local ice cream shop in Jordan; 14-month-old Vivienne already has her ears pierced. [JustJared]
● Seth MacFarlane is known for his off-color humor on Family Guy, but the funny man didn’t appreciate being the butt of Tina Fey’s "drunk" joke at the Emmys. Saying he was “shocked” and left wondering “Really? You can't find someone who is more recognizable?'” [DigitalSpy]

You may tap me on the shoulder at this point and obnoxiously point out, "But that's not news. Anyone who's seen Crossroads or Hackers -- not that I have because I'm a discerning cineaste who only has time for Michel Gondry -- knows the depths of terribleness they're getting themselves into." At that point, I may decide to throw a cup of coffee at you for interrupting me in the middle of making a very important argument. The death of your cute femmeputer is not contingent on actually downloading whatever dross these performers are offering up. It's simpler than that. Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears are just part of a more expansive list of celebrities, searching for whose likenesses across the web could cause your computer to contract cyber-chlamydia.