● Gary Coleman was arrested for domestic assault, making this a perfect time to do a little gossip math: (Diff'rent Strokes pun) + ("What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" variation) = joke. Ta-da! [TMZ]
● Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter that he will host Saturday Night Live on Feburary 6th. If only his monologue could be limited to 140 characters. [The Wrap]
● Tila Tequila and Kelly Osbourne have beef on Twitter, though Tila's recap of the whole thing is unreadable thanks to white text and all caps. Luckily, the diss "Smelly Ozbonkers" is in the first line. [Tila's Hot Spot]

Time and again, various supermarket tabloids will do wacky things for the sake of search engine optimization. Most recently, Us Weekly really eerily perved on Miley Cyrus' breasts. Today, we turn our attention to People, which grabs your eyeballs by the optic nerves and forces you to consider who urinated on Kim Kardashian, by declaring Find Out Who Peed On Kim Kardashian. Can you handle it?

People sometimes try to present outlandish arguments to me as a past-time. Sometimes they'll make a case for how Alyssa Milano is a "hot babe" and has a "sweet ass." I tend to stare back blankly as a result. Other times, they'll say that Ashton Kutcher's comedic stylings are sharp, cutting edge, and positively uproarious. At this point, I suggest they ease off the Irish Car Bombs. But to their credit, their incoherent outbursts represent something edifying: that part of America that time forgot. A part which also inexplicably remains a hindrance to all progress. These are people who appreciated Alyssa Milano on Who's the Boss, but not so much on Charmed (that conflicted with their warped world views.) They also enjoyed guffawing to Kelso's antics on That '70s Show too. And what better way to gently take this distrusting chunk of the American electorate by the hand and say, "No, friend! Universal health care is not a step towards full-blown communism! It simply means that parents who otherwise can't afford to can buy a thing to cure their child's sickness. So he doesn't come to school and infect your ugly brat." Yes, Milano and Kutcher may be excellent casual ambassadors for this issue as it goes up against the blue-hairs in Senate.

● Demi Moore will take a break from working out and being Mrs. Ashton Kutcher to guest-star on her husband's new show The Beautiful Life. [DailyMail]
● Megan Fox reveals in Cosmo that the one missed role she wishes she’d said yes to was the Hannah Montana movie. [JustJared]
● Matt Damon will accept the American Cinematheque Lifetime Achievement Award at the ripe old age of 39. [ContactMusic]

As this week crawls toward an agonizingly slow close, New York City remains a soggy teabag in too-hot water: puffy, steamed, damp, and fraying. Frankly, we'd all rather be snacking on mackerel in Antarctic bunkers. But that's just not our reality, which is otherwise two-fold: be on the streets for too long and fumes emanating from trash or smelly people will asphyxiate you. Conversely, stay indoors and you'll probably end up doing nothing besides tooling around on Twitter, because at 140 characters, it requires minimal exertion and that means fewer puddles of sweat around your apartment. But sadly, in this post-Michael Jackson era, this means that such intensive exploration will probably yield in many sobering truths about your idols. In a world of hashtags, character limits, and no copyeditors, Twitter will kill the celebrity.

● It’s a sad state of affairs when Ashton Kutcher has surpassed President Obama as the most-followed person on Twitter, with a million followers. Kutcher does update multiple times a day with ever-more-inane details of his life, while our President has been a tad distracted running the world and all. [CNN]
● In case we didn’t already know, Diane Kruger would like to remind us Brad Pitt has a "sweet family" and that Angelina Jolie is "beautiful." [Us]
● Lindsay Lohan is slowly crawling back to the top, or maybe it’s the middle; she's mounting a palimony case against ex Samantha Ronson. Lohan feels she’s entitled to a cut of Ronson’s DJ gigs, as they’ve gone up from $10,000 to $100,000. [PopCrunch]

Movie screenings? Yeah, they’re here, too. But most people we encountered at the Sundance Film Festival seemed too busy event-hopping or hawking their screenplays, show treatments, or what have you to get to many actual screenings. Nevertheless, we've been scouting around for tips on what's actually worth seeing. Former Guns N Roses guitarist Slash gave us his pick: “We saw Spread. She wanted to see it,” he said, pointing to his wife. His assessment? “I’m not usually much of an Ashton Kutcher fan, but it was good, a nice little LA movie.”

1. Ago (West Hollywood) - De Niro's joint. Paps in the parking lot, authentic pies on the table.
2. Dolce (West Hollywood) - Ashton Kutcher's spot. Good food, plenty of eye candy.
3. Mulberry Street Pizzeria (Beverly Hills) - Seven tables, twenty-minute time limit on using said tables, one (four-time) Oscar-nominated owner -- Cathy Moriarty, who also waitresses on occasion -- all adds up to a blockbuster hit.