Whipping up the same tired pitchers of Sex on the Beach every soiree and then not expecting to wake up on the bathroom floor, crusted in vomit and peach schnapps, is the definition of batshit crazy. Luckily, the seasonal sages at Back Forty are looking to help a drunk out, offering professional guidance on three weekends in November. Starting this Saturday, November 7, Michael Cecconi, the cocktail ace at both Back Forty and its landed gentry cuz Savoy, will lead classes on DIY-ing his fancy fresh creations at home. Students will learn to shake that thing, muddle like it’s hot. Not one to acknowledge boundaries between liquor store and Whole Foods, Cecconi will also help participants face their fears of squash plus vodka.

The East Village’s Back Forty is still riding the rusticity wave that’s crashing over the city. The restaurant’s walls are dressed up with vintage farm tools, there’s Greenmarket-fresh food, and a communal table amplifies a neighborhoody vibe. Given those trappings, a class on cooking up a full pig fits right in. The next three Saturday afternoons (October 17, 24, and 31), Shanna Pacifico, Back Forty’s chef de cuisine, will give demonstrations on the art of porchetta. For $130, you’ll learn the ropes from butchering to stuffing, and then get to sit down to a serious feast. The classes are limited to a dozen people each week, so reservations are recommended (beer and wine are included in the cost). Not only will you get a great meal, you’ll also pick up some skills, should you want to impress guests of your own someday (Pacifico assures us that porchetta really can be made in a New York City kitchen).

● Per Se at the Time Warner Center (Midtown West) - Discreet and intimate, with stunning attention to detail. That's how one would choose to describe this advanced gastronomy resto at the Time Warner Center. It doubles for the bathrooms. Discreet, intimate, and roomy. I can name more than a few hookup tales thanks to these private rooms.
● 1 Oak (Chelsea) - Private bathrooms lined in a row for a gorgeous group waiting in a line. Floor to ceiling coverage, low lighting, and mirrors where you just barely make out your own reflection. Bonus for the fact the attendant never seems to be around. Maybe he's getting it on as well?
● Plaza Hotel (Midtown West) - Act like you're old money having an affair like the rest of the clientele. Restrooms are private and off main grid of the palace, though everyone's too wrapped up in themselves to notice your vulgar behavior. Posh, gilded -- dare we say fucking tacky -- catering to tacky, sexy quickies.

Chris Santos of the Stanton Social on his love of dives, Apothéke owner Heather Tierney, and why thinking too much detracts from dining.

Where do you go out? Well, I’m kind of a dive bar kinda guy both in drinking and for eating. I mean, I obviously enjoy a good Jean Georges or Per Se as much as the next guy, but I like sort of the hole in the wall-y kind of places. One I really love a lot is in Brooklyn. It’s called Franny's. It’s on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn. A really simple rustic Italian, you know, wood-coal pizza and great appetizers and a beautiful garden in the back. On the outskirts of Park Slope basically, near the Manhattan Bridge. I’m a big fan of Back Forty, which is a small little bistro on 12th Street and Avenue B that does just a really outrageous burger and great roast chicken, and you know, simple crispy nuggets and simple, simple rustic comfort food. I’m a sucker for Strip House on 12th and University. It’s like my favorite steakhouse in the city. There’s a lot of crushed red velvet, bordello-y kind of vibe. And they’ve got great wine, and their steaks are, bam! They do a great job with their steak sauce. I go there monthly.