Who purchases a ticket to see Britney Spears in tour and actually expects her to sing live these days? She's not Miranda Cosgrove, so let's not hold her to unrealistic expectations. Although some assy member of the Australian parliament has. And what a shocker it is, where said member tears Brit-Brit a new one for not bothering to use the god-given gift of singing when she performs in concert. She insists that concert-goers should be made aware at point of purchase, that the concert probably will not be live. Err, people who know Britney know that they're not going into hear Maria Callas or even a slightly post-crack Whitney. Spears hasn't released a tune in over five years that hasn't been autotuned and vocodered within an inch of its life.

● Michael Lohan is suing Perez Hilton so he “stops with the pornographic and the obscene material” on his website…meaning he wants Perez to stop drawing penises on his daughters faces. [Contact Music]
● Angelina Jolie is taking over for Charlize Theron in the film The Tourist where she will play yet another gun-toting bad-ass. This time it’s an Interpol agent who manipulates an American tourist for her own purposes. [Just Jared]
● Britney Spears is really dedicated to staying sober. That’s why she’s insisting on random drug testing for her whole tour crew (all 225 of them) while they are touring Australia. [Herald Sun]

Whether you watched last night's Emmys on a dusty television set or on a shady internet stream prone to buffering and choppy playback (21st century chic, wave of the future, etc.), you probably noticed that TV's landmark three hour salute to TV seemed perkier than years past. And while a number of harsh elements threatened to barrel us to boredom -- like the dual monotone of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Patricia Arquette ("LOL! We both play mediums!" cried JLoHew as we eyed that Ambien hungrily) and Jeff Probst's acceptance speech (seriously -- over Padma Lakshmi?), the night was easily redeemed by over a dozen people. And one of them didn't even need to actually be present for her act of valiance.

You may tap me on the shoulder at this point and obnoxiously point out, "But that's not news. Anyone who's seen Crossroads or Hackers -- not that I have because I'm a discerning cineaste who only has time for Michel Gondry -- knows the depths of terribleness they're getting themselves into." At that point, I may decide to throw a cup of coffee at you for interrupting me in the middle of making a very important argument. The death of your cute femmeputer is not contingent on actually downloading whatever dross these performers are offering up. It's simpler than that. Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears are just part of a more expansive list of celebrities, searching for whose likenesses across the web could cause your computer to contract cyber-chlamydia.

Delivering the “Top 10 Ways The Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President” on The Late Show with David Letterman, Brit-Brit looked astoundingly alert and presentable in a skimpy string bikini. Number 4: “America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.” Perhaps President Spears could divert some earmark spending towards a more human-like weave, and away from large faux flower headpieces. Only a suggestion. In other recent Spears news, yes, Kevin Federline is fat, and yes, Britney has decided to reward her father for saving her from a life of baldness and straitjackets and future offspring named “Quilt” and “Pillow” with his very own soul food restaurant. Jamie Spears will act as proprietor of the as yet un-monikered L.A. fry-den, which will hopefully be a tad more delicious than Nyla, Brit’s 2002 shot in the dark aimed in the general direction of the New York resto world. And somehow Justin Timberlake’s Southern Hospitality survives. All part of a global conspiracy to separate the former amours from their once-shared place of white trash awesomeness, if you ask me.

Lindsay Lohan must have been feeling a little too classy these past few weeks: no public screaming matches with Samantha Ronson, no invites to appear on Springer with the whole Lohan clan. So! LiLo joined the blowfish-as-beauty-3icon brigade, got herself a big old pair of puffed-up smackers, and caused a general disruption while shopping in SoHo. Lindsay has been hanging out with Britney again, so she knows the makeover wouldn’t be complete without a ratty mess of blond hair extensions.

This past Sunday night, Britney and Lindsay met up at the Grand Star Jazz Club to toast poor parents and fragile psyches, and perhaps even cackle about the biggest, most expensive physics machine in the world, which is riddled with thousands of bad electrical connections and how that is so like their lives. And while their grins appear sparkly and chipper, looking at these snapshots is like bearing witness to the calm before a Katrina-sized storm.

●Paris Hilton says she thought of BFF Britney Spears as a ‘sister’ but Spears ‘used’ her, only caring about her own music career. [TheInsider]
●Magazine darling Jon Gosselin’s now in bed with the tabloids, or at least eating with one now. He was seen over the weekend dining with Kate Major a senior reporter at Star Magazine. [Radar]
●Lindsay Lohan is being courted by the reality show circuit first it was Ryan Seacrest, now the producers of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here want this hot mess in the jungle. [Mirror]

● It doesn’t come cheap looking like Lady Gaga, although she’s often caught with no pants; her lavish wardrobe and shows have bankrupted the singer four times. [TheSun]
● Despite rumors to the contrary, Disney starlet Raven Symone did not give birth to a child recently. [JustJaredJr]
● Ryan Renyolds let it slip that he and wife Scarlett Johansson plan to adopt -- although not any time soon. [US]

● Sam Lutfi won’t leave Britney Spears alone. Now he’s suing her for defamation of character, claiming her mother Lynn’s book has ruined his life. [TMZ]
● What does a fashion icon like Kate Moss fear most? A fashion faux-pas, of course. God forbid someone wear the same dress as her. [DigitalSpy]
● Michael Jackson’s memorial was watched by a staggering 31 million people; however it fell behind Ronald Regan's and Princess Diana’s in terms of audience. [JustJared]