Most reasonable people shouldn't have to be dissuaded from engaging in horrific acts of domestic violence by treats and high praise. Typically one doesn't have to make a fist, pretend to dangle some beef jerky above his nose, and yell, "Sit, Chris Brown, sit! Good boy!" in an attempt to keep the pop singer or any similar-minded dude from succumbing to whatever chemical imbalance makes them predisposed to senseless acts of brutality. But the idea of Chris Brown as a reasonable man kind of flew out the window in February and never really made its way back in the house. There were a few lame attempts. Like this, well, misguided apology. More recently there was this irksome tweet that reads, "Good NEWS: my album date has changed .. December 8. Graffiti. If u love me get it twice and if u hate me still get it." Which demonstrated how Brown still remains clueless. If not about his actions, then the waves his actions created in the world around him. Still, the man's gone a number of days without black-eyeing someone and he deserves a judge-approved gold star and a free dinner at Red Lobster, right? Right.

● Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally going out; it’s confirmed they were snapped holding hands! Well, Kristen is grasping Rob’s wrist anyways. [PopSugar]
● Kim Kardashian says pregnant sister Kourtney is having issues with the fact that you actually gain weight while pregnant: “"Kourtney is going crazy, she feels so big right now.” [Us]
● Comedian Katt Williams has been released from a Georgia jail after being arrested for attempted burglary. Williams is accused of trying to break into a home with a crowbar and stealing $3,500 worth of jewelry and rare coins. [CNN]

Like the cleaning of a house, Rihanna's press circus never ends! Although last night, her 20/20 segment finally wrapped up. The rest of the world sighed a humongous cloud of relief because this sit-down with Diane Sawyer looked promising. It was a humble, pitch-perfect way to close that part of the pop star's life before she fully immerses herself into her Rated R campaign. Face-to-face with Sawyer, Rihanna showed that she has it in her to make peace with this altercation. And despite being well-timed, in case this tabula rasa misfires, here's a considerably more palatable alternative! Regardless, in her provocative interview, Rihanna kept an admirably cool, level head. She wasn't on a mission to point fingers, assign blame, or ravage the last flecks of meat dangling from the corpse of Chris Brown's career. She simply sussed out the events of that fateful February night, picked apart the psychology leading up to those events, and shined light onto a history of domestic violence in her family.

This morning, a stoic Rihanna sat down with Diane Sawyer for the first part of an interview about what went down between her and her abusive former boyfriend Chris Brown. (Choice quotes: “I fell in love with that person, and it’s embarrassing that’s the type of person that I fell in love with” and “Don’t react off of love. F#*@ love.”) The interview wraps up tomorrow night at 10pm with Rihanna going into details about the pair’s pre-Grammy altercation. Four hours earlier, MTV will broadcast an interview with the beanie-wearing, “100% comfortable wit my sexuality” Brown, also about the abuse. In the clip circulating, the singer seems to say the right things (“What was I thinking? ... How do you, Chris go from point A to Point B, turn it to a positive, become the person that you want to be.”), but I still want to know: What is MTV doing in his corner?

● That report of Lindsay Lohan and Gerard Butler getting it on in Morocco was shot down by Lohan, and Butler is threatening legal action against the British papers who printed the story. [GossipCop]
● Where do you go after getting publicly fired from your show? Disneyland! Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and husband Pete Wentz took little Bronx to the happiest place on earth to lift her spirits. [PopSugar]
● Rihanna says of all the media attention she received after the Chris Brown incident: "I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears." [USA]

Quelle horreur! Here we are, stepping out into the first day of September, yet still dealing with the cultural backwash from August (which is actually residual from the seven months preceding). Clearly it's time to sneer our lips, scrunch our noses, and start pointing fingers. If you've got tar and feathers, or maybe a small family of bees and some honey, now's the time to arm yourself. This year has given us too many high-profile personalities who have turned their dumb-assery into a marketable skill. But some have been more insidious than others. They've pushed our collective sympathy to the brink, while proving to be nothing more than cultural tumors lodged on our brain, forcing at least a square millimeter of gray matter to hold the simple syllables of their names. And so as fall sets in, it's alright to vigilantly tear down these celebrity gossip news spammers.

Still smarting from the way Amber Rose chose to rub salt in the wound of their maybe-split (with Chris Brown! Really, Amber?), noted rapper and sunglasses-wearer Kanye West has made public his romantic interest in one-third of British pop band Sugababes. Namely, member Amelle Berrabah, who also finds herself on the rebound. Incidentally, Berrabah's had another dazzling dabble in hip-hop recently, which probably makes West even more lovelorn.

That sneaky Chris Brown! Using improper grammar to trick everyone into thinking that he is a not-monster. And also leaking an unsavory YouTube announcement, which, despite his decry of not-monsterhood, isn't so convincing. Not even after he follows, "I ain't a monster," with a peace sign. But guys, he's holding up a peace sign! Homeboy means no harm.

● After a turbulent couple of years, who can someone like Britney Spears turn to for advice? Why, Madonna of course. [TheMirror]
● Now that Guy Ritchie has rid himself of the weight of Madge, he is free to revive his film career; next on the list is a possible remake of the Broadway classic Guys and Dolls. [Playbill]
● Chris Brown will try to win back some fans as a "homeless" teen in a rags-to-riches movie alleged to be a real "tearjerker." [DailyNews]

In a red herring of an endings to the redundantly epic RiBro saga that we all wish would just die off already, much like the residual "ellas" of "Umbrella," Rihanna herself has whispered to a British tabloid, "I'm too ashamed to go public [with Chris Brown] yet." But mind you, this is not because of Brown's masterwork Rihanna With Contusions, Chewed Ear and Split Bloody Lip has left the pop star spiteful. It's because she wants everyone to get over it, much like she so got over it the minute the ER doctors took off the bandages and stopped the morphine drip.