I JUST came back from the perpetually underwhelming Coffee Shop in Union Square with the girl. It’s far from the Elite Model farm team that it was when I was a handsome 14-year-old LA transplant. Back then I used to cop two dimes for a quarter, nahmean? Chelsea Now reveals in an interview with co-owner Carolyn Benitez today that Coffee Shop is expanding beyond its ugly walls and the worst bathrooms to do drugs in this side of a midtown pub. Owners will be taking over the lease of that silly lil' Chelsea area Empire Diner that I pass everyday en route to better meals. I know what you’re thinking: he reads Gothamist. It’s true. But in my defense, I was checking the weather. But what of Empire and their low-lidded waitstaff?

Friday's - yeah, that Friday's - is coming to Union Square, and we're scared. For us, yeah, but especially for tourists: every year, hundreds of thousands pour into New York, and hit the same, godawful places everyone else does, or worse, the ones they could hit at home. You can't (entirely) blame them: they don't know any better, besides which, doing touristy things in New York isn't the worst way to see this city! Some things - like hitting up a deli, roaming New York's parks, trying to get a good view of the urban landscape, or taking in the epicenter of the action in midtown - really aren't to be missed, or begrudged. But why waste away at the same spots, doing the same things that've been done time and time again? They're generally mediocre experiences. We polled our staff panel of self-proclaimed Manhattanites, and came up with a list of alternatives to the turns many a tourist takes wrong. We've consciously omitted Brooklyn and Queens, who deserve their own list; for now, here're your 2009 New York Tourist Trap Alternatives.

● Casa la Femme (West Village) - The French Kiss cocktail and Mediterranean fare seem to put you in the mood, but it's really belly-dancing beauties and equally glamorous staff that produces the allure of the place. Their simple-sweet service and svelte, mannequin-like aura makes the entire experience romantic and outlandish.
● Rose Bar (Gramercy) - Whenever I see Nur Khan, he's usually with top models like Lily Donaldson. Needless to say, with the one-two punch of Ian Schrager and Julian Schnabel top design, one of the most beautiful bars in the city is staffed by the most beautiful people as well. Bartenders are the pouty, brooding type. Cocktail waitresses are classy in a dangerously sexy way -- all seem like James Bond babes, and we always leave shaken and stirred. Wins for a likewise beautiful clientele.
● Baddies (West Village) - The Kingswood Aussies bring their Aussie-ness to the downstairs party. In case you don't speak Australian, Aussie means sexy, mate. Strapping men with accents and their friends who are just as Aussie, even if they are American. Close quarters in the murky-chic basement means a lot of flirting, trust us.

Bijou Phillips is yet another example that somehow, if you're the daughter of a rock star--in her case The Mamas and The Papas' John Phillips--then you're genetically predisposed to be a beautiful aspiring model/actress. I'm not making this up. And unlike most of her fellow rock princesses, Phillips no longer aspires. She's achieved. With roles in Bully, Choke, Hostel II, and most recently, the bizzaro noir musical Dark Streets (which opened last week), Phillips has built herself a respectable acting portfolio to go along with her musical dabblings. Admittedly, Phillips has yet to elevate herself to Liv Tyler level, but with upcoming roles in at least three movies, none of them National Lampoon's straight-to-dvd clunkers, her career has yet to plateau. Here the actress muses about L.A. cougardom, her infamous New York party days, her love of Michelle Obama, but not that dress.

Socialista gatekeeper Jeffrey Trunell on working the door for a former doorman, club owners who scowl, and why Perez Hilton isn’t on his list.

Point of Origin: I moved to New York in 1996 to be an actor. I started working at Coffee Shop. I was a bar back and I didn't know anything. I was just a kid from Philly. I started bartending, worked at a lot of hotel bars: 60 Thompson, the Hudson, and subMercer right when it opened. I remember that was the first place where cocktails were $15. Nowadays if you're not charging $15 a drink you're nothing, but back then it was like a science experiment. My voice would always choke when I told a guy he owed me $30 for two drinks.