● Things John Edwards might have: a sex tape, a large john. Things John Edwards definitely has: a lovechild, an impending divorce, no future. [Gawker]
● Courtney Love gave a video tutorial in five parts on makeup application to her 7,443 Twitter followers. Lesson #3: "Like, drag eye!" [Idolator]
● Khloé Kardashian met President Obama at the White House. What, the leader of the free world can't land Kim or even Kourtney? [E! Online]

You know who's really in the position to be giving advice? Courtney Love! Otherwise why would she be trying to step in as a savior for newly anointed pop star Ke$ha? Look, even a drug-addled, crazy lady who likes to take semi-naked pictures of her new tattoos while calling her seemingly well-behaved, teenage daughter nasty names has to be right sometimes. (Right? Broken clock etc.) For the uninitiated: Ke$ha is a young pop tart whose histrionics tend to have polarizing effects on music consumers everywhere. So how does a faded rock priestess who can barely spell "TiK ToK" figure into the future well-being of the industry's current obsession?

● Tobey Maguire will not be back as Spider-Man in the series' fourth installment, nor will director Sam Raimi. Sometimes you just need to switch up that body in the spandex onesie. [Page Six]
● Martha Stewart hosted an episode devoted to cats and the ladies who love them, featuring Vogue's Grace Coddington and sad, lonely people. [Jezebel]
● If you find your mother (or grandmother) crying, it's because Michael Buble is getting married. Queue up a TiVoed episode of Oprah and everything will be okay. [AP]

The January 2010 issue of Dazed & Confused might just be its most depressing ever. Inside features about Genesis P-Orridge (the performance artist who, after countless surgeries, successfully transformed into the spitting image of his late wife) and Dash Snow (the 27-year-old New York-based artist who died last July from a drug overdose) complement a cover story on rocker Courtney Love, who recently lost custody of her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean. The cover of the magazine features Love in a sheer outfit, rocking a busted breed of glamour, with the words "Love Tears Us Apart" plastered across her chest, a nod to Joy Division's ultra-depressing classic. It's an odd theme for any magazine, especially one celebrating a new year and decade.

Remember this? Close your eyes tight. Burn all two minutes and forty-three seconds of that into your brain. Done? Good. Because it's all about to get really, really ugly. Courtney Love's life has been on shaky ground for a while now. She's just lost custody of daughter Frances Bean who decided to skip off to her grandmother's house. On top of all this? Perez Hilton has put up a long rant he claims Love posted on her Facebook page, which include sharp jabs at her own daughter.

● Well, Courtney Love may not be back on drugs, but she lost legal guardianship of her daughter Frances Bean all the same. Kurt Cobain’s offspring will spend the holidays and the rest of her jailbait time with grandma. [People]
● Now that the Championship glow has worn off, is Kate Hudson done with Alex Rodriguez or is Alex Rodriguez done with Kate Hudson? [HollywoodLife]
● Lindsay Lohan is selling designer items from her closet on her family’s website. Nose bleed stains and coke residue cost extra. [Us]

● Courtney Love talks about the time Sharon Stone screamed at her in front of Anna Wintour. Oh, memories. [NYMag]
● Miley Cyrus hasn’t seen Twilight -- and doesn’t plan to. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires ... I don’t want anything to do with it.”[EW]
● Twihards, brace yourselves: Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart will lock lips in their next film, The Runaways; according to Fanning, it’s a very passionate kiss. [AccessHollywood]

● Kristin Cavallari is the new star of The Hills, and she didn’t come cheap. KC is paid $100K an episode for being herself, just like Audrina, Lo, and Heidi. Thankfully they get Spencer at a discount, as he only gets $65K an ep. [JustJared]
● With one sister pregnant and another just married, what's Kim Kardashian to do to get some attention? Getting back with ex Reggie Bush is a good start. [People]
● Courtney Love has had quite a few brushes with death; in one particular incident she was saved by none other than Johnny Depp, who gave her CPR. Laments Love, “Motherfucker, I never had myself any JD except CPR.” [DigitalSpy]

● Is Courtney Love angling to be Mrs. Hugo Chavez? The singer was certainly impressed by the charm he turned on at the premiere for Oliver Stone's documentary about the Venezuelan president. [NYDailyNews]
● The helicopters present at Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding disrupted actor Danny DeVito’s quiet Sunday night, and he let everyone in the Twitterverse know. [Twitter]
● Speaking of: It should come as no surprise that there was a “Hollywood nightclub” theme to Khloe and Lamar’s wedding reception. No word on if Lindsay Lohan was there to give it an "authentic" club feel. [People]

● It’s been awhile since Courtney Love made any music -- but she’s still a rock star, so much so that she destroyed her New York hotel room (at the Inn at Irving Place) to the tune of $5,000 worth of damage in just eight hours. [P6]
● The Royal Guards in Britain -- you know, the ones who protect the Queen and don’t laugh -- once paid an impromptu tribute to Michael Jackson, playing "Thriller." [Youtube]
● Brandon Routh is Superman no more? According to the actor, his contract for any sequels has run out. [thinkmcflythink]