Some of us are totally hopeless when it comes to engineering high-quality publicity stunts. And the rest of us let George Clooney organize such extravaganzas and idly wait by the phone, hoping he'll ask us to join him. Among those of us who were so lucky: Rihanna, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Taylor Swift. Essentially, any pop star who has a project that needs or will need pimping has signed on to perform at Friday's televised benefit for Haiti. Sure somewhere in the germ of the idea for a Haiti relief telethon are the best of intentions. But as is typical, such intentions are jockeying with the quest for publicity and maximum viewership.

Hollywood males seem to have all received the same memo this month: beards are in. At the Golden Globes Mad Men's Jon Hamm and Vincent Kartheiser, William Hurt, George Clooney, Jason Bateman, Ben Silverman and director Michael Haneke all showcased face fuzz. Also on the bear-friendly bandwagon: Golden Globe winners Jason Reitman, Jeff Bridges, Robert Downey Jr. and Inglorious Basterds' Christoph Waltz. Even host Ricky Gervais (who showed up well past a five-o'clock shadow but not quite at full beard thickness) appeared to be following suit.

● David Beckham gets a new tattoo. Jesus not all that flattered. [Telegraph]
● The finest elegant graffiti china pattern you’ll eat off this year. [Lovegrove & Repucci]
● New Jersey legalizes medical marijuana. East Coasters hopeful they’ll finally have access to California-quality smoke. [NYTimes]
● Thief steals $1 million in jewels from Usher’s car. There’s no accounting for taste. [TMZ]

● Madonna came dangerously close to ruining George Clooney’s acting career when the two went on a date shortly after her divorce. Thankfully Madonna tried to be funny and the date quickly went south. [Showbizspy]
● San Diego would like Lady Gaga to know they aren’t San Jose: she referred to her San Diego crowd as San Jose a whopping eight times during a recent concert. [NBC]
● Sarah Jessica Parker continues to dismantle her Über chic Carrie Bradshaw persona by devoting her new fragrance to body odor and saying that B.O. is “sexy.” [DigitalSpy]

● The eldest Jackson, Rebbie, is not too keen on Joe Jackson pushing MJ’s kids into a new reality show, saying that Michael “would spin in his grave” at the idea. [FoxNews]
● Penelope Cruz will play a supporting role in the Sex and the City sequel; she’ll be a sharp-dressed banker who gets up close and personal with Mr. Big. [People]
● The Child Labor Coalition would like to have a word with Pamela Anderson after she was seen at the Hollywood Style Awards with a child trailing behind her carrying her train. [theSuperficial]

Once in a while, even the most molasses-iest of inert gossip can accumulate and clog up the works worse than that time you decided to experiment with flushing Q-tips down the toilet. Many of these stories are unfounded and tend to cite "a source" and provide very little in the way of actual substance. For bloggers who got lost on their way to law school and ended up camped up in front of a MacBook, this is a problem. For certain other bloggers, it means a chance to put that crumpled up, crappy MFA degree to good use and embellish the empty spaces with poignant tales with Life Lessons and a chance to volley big words. But eventually, an ominous cloud has to float on and rain all over our pop parade. Thanks, Gossip Cop! Even if there are a million things wrong with the idea of "responsible celebrity gossip"! So without further ado, a recap of more prominent things that appeared to look one way earlier this week, but now appear considerably different and less interesting.

● The revamped Melrose Place, which counts Ashlee Simpson-Wentz as a resident, will be Heather Locklear-less. The actress who played Amanda Woodward has turned down the chance to appear on the CW show. [EW]
● Crispin Glover has lent his voice to the children’s favorite Little Miss Muffet. The results are as creepy as you would expect. [Youtube]
● Are you ready for CloFu? That’s George Clooney-flavored tofu! PETA seems to think it’s a great idea! [NBC]

Professional matchmaker Amy Laurent offers advice for Hollywood's confirmed bachelors and those recently in the doghouse.

What's in store for Guy Ritchie?
Well, he was always Mr. Madonna, but he has in his own accomplishments. He needs to date someone less famous. He's been seeing actress Kelly Riley, who is great because she's not such a superstar. I really like him with Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. She's divorced from Salman Rushdie and definitely doesn't need to be with another writer. And look, I hate to promote adultery, but I kind of like Madonna with A-Rod.

Yeah, it's pretty hot.
They are both huge, but in different industries. Plus physically I always pictured her with a darker guy.

Now that the Coen Bros. have proved Fargo was no fluke, they’re out to do the same with their cult bro-pus, The Big Lebowski. That’s the kind of vibe we’re getting from the new trailer for Burn After Reading, their star-crammed CIA dark comedy. Brad Pitt and George Clooney in a movie that isn'’t Ocean’s Fourteen is promising enough, but tack on Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich, and J.K Simmons, and you’ve got an early favorite for SAG’'s Ensemble of the Year award. And the trailer proves that Pitt, who already looks like a mimbo, was born to play one too.

On a day when the world mourns the split of George Clooney and his bride-to-never-be Sarah Larson, reports have surfaced that Hollywood’s third most photogenic couple, Bill Murray and wife Jennifer, are getting a divorce. And while celebrity divorces have become humdrum—especially when one of them isn’t even a celebrity—this latest one is tinged with a touch of scandal.