By performing enough spells to burn mid-sized Prussian villages to the ground, flighty mogulista Madonna is now finally rid of ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Which frees her up to try her own hand at being an auteur. This works well! Because there won't be awkward bedroom exchanges that find Ritchie sulking, spouting, "Oh. I'm the filmmaker in this family, but people obviously like your crappy films better than my crappy films! Harrumph," and Madonna groaning and offering, "No, no sweetheart, you're a special person," as she applies witch hazel to her chapped cheeks and swigs a half bottle of Maalox before nodding off. Oh, those olds and their Maalox. Projects that will suffer premature ends then: the album campaign for her umpteenth greatest hits and some finishing school for Malawi girls that she was heading up she was heading up. The barge is already headed for another port, and so on.

● Although Guy Ritchie claims to “love” ex-wife Madonna, he still thinks she’s “retarded.” [MSN]
● Who would have thought? Kevin Federline doesn’t take care of his house! The owners of his rented Tarzana house want $100K for damages, including cigarette butts and empty beer bottles in the gutter, a bent light post, and drawings all over the walls. [Dlisted]
● Law & Order’s next ripped-from-the-headlines plot will feature a Jon and Kate Gosselin-esque storyline, where the “Kate” character is murdered and the “Jon” is the suspect. [EW]

● After a turbulent couple of years, who can someone like Britney Spears turn to for advice? Why, Madonna of course. [TheMirror]
● Now that Guy Ritchie has rid himself of the weight of Madge, he is free to revive his film career; next on the list is a possible remake of the Broadway classic Guys and Dolls. [Playbill]
● Chris Brown will try to win back some fans as a "homeless" teen in a rags-to-riches movie alleged to be a real "tearjerker." [DailyNews]

Professional matchmaker Amy Laurent offers advice for Hollywood's confirmed bachelors and those recently in the doghouse.

What's in store for Guy Ritchie?
Well, he was always Mr. Madonna, but he has in his own accomplishments. He needs to date someone less famous. He's been seeing actress Kelly Riley, who is great because she's not such a superstar. I really like him with Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. She's divorced from Salman Rushdie and definitely doesn't need to be with another writer. And look, I hate to promote adultery, but I kind of like Madonna with A-Rod.

Yeah, it's pretty hot.
They are both huge, but in different industries. Plus physically I always pictured her with a darker guy.

A banner week indeed for diva drama -- these ladies are in constant flux between mental stability and the precipice of hot-messery. To recap:

● Sans a frappuccino or a freakout, Britney Spears vaulted 95 spots to #1 with "Womanizer."
● Madonna and Guy Ritchie are splitting up. And she's not letting him off that easy, having enlisted the ball-busting legal talents of Fiona Shackleton, the same broad who represented Prince Charles and Paul McCartney in their divorces. There's also some talk of Madonna high-tailing it to Malawi with A-Rod, posthaste.

Now that Madonna is single, she can get back to her man-eating ways and not have to hide it under the guise of darkness. Gossip rags will head into max overdrive, speculating who will be the next meat-slab to try and satisfy the Material Girl's insatiable sex needs. But we like to be one step ahead of the game here, so here's a rundown of possible paramours for Madge to devour.

“It’s elementary, my dear Watson,” says Jason Statham just before he gouges the end of his pipe into a thug’s eye and then launches him off Tower Bridge—first in slow-motion, then super sped-up as he approaches the water. It's Sherlock Holmes re-imagined by Guy Ritchie. The British director, known for his witty, hyperkinetic crime capers, has signed on to reinvent the traditionally stuffy super sleuth for Warner Bros. He’s currently polishing the script, which we’ve deduced—using a series of clues, er, Ritchie’s filmography—will feature Holmes and Watson tracking diamond thieves deep into a grimy London underworld of illegal chess games and organ theft. Expect Sherlock’s notorious coke habit to stick.