As Courtney Alice Shayne once said in Jawbreaker, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Today of all days find that maxim to ring so loud as to dig irreversibly into our ears so that we may never be able to shake the truth of the statement from our heads. Take this horrible juxtaposition of two facts. Fact: Marriage equality is dead in most of the country! Fact: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have just celebrated their first anniversary of splashing around in the straights-only marriage pool. It's an epic occasion. So momentous for the pair that they're celebrating it apart from one another. Huh?

A strange and scary thing happened over the later part of last week. Spencer Pratt started following me on Twitter. Then late into the next night, as I was negotiating my e-mails after a steady flow of Long Island Iced Teas, I was filled with a more conflicted combination of terror and giddy excitement when I found out that Heidi Montag started following me. Full disclosure: My Twitter is nothing but an exercise in non sequiturs, superfluous hashtagging, and notes to self. So why anyone, friends or uncelebrities, would want a running stream of 140 character bursts of my melodrama is beyond me. Perhaps this was Speidi's way of keeping up with at least one half of their vanity, as Montag at least has a prolific backstory here. So consider this then making up for some overdue crumbs that Pratt's ego has long been clawing for.

● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch]
● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us]
● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]

● Recession perspective time: Katie Couric’s salary at CBS ($15 million) is more than the annual budget for National Public Radio ($9.4 million). [BoingBoing]
● Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend -- this would be Hailey Glassman not Kate 2.0 -- prepares for her 15 minutes of fame by getting a boob job. [Star]
● Mackenzie Phillips’ stepmoms are speaking out about her incest claim. Michelle Phillips says Mackenzie told her about the affair in 1997, then claimed she was kidding. While Bijou Philips' mom Genevieve Waite says “no matter how drunk or drugged [John Philips] was ... he was incapable” of doing such a thing. [CNN, Showbiz]

Because today we're celebrating the ubiquity of untalenteds, let's focus on recent Heidi Montag detractor/ex-Danity Kane huckster Aubrey O'Day, who took issue with the uncelebrity's half-assed Playboy spread. First, the shiny compliment: "I think Heidi is a beautiful girl and it's an honor to be a part of an iconic lineup of women," O'Day said. "I'm happy that she took the opportunity. She looked beautiful." Then, the ugly truth: "I think mine's still the winner. I think that my Playboy photos express very strongly my nature as a woman. They were classy, they depicted the parts of my body that I love, and I felt completely beautiful and secure and empowered by them."

● Spencer Pratt says wife Heidi is the Michael Jackson of 2010, whatever that means. [Celebuzz]
● Kim Kardashian will produce a reality show on what she knows best: public relations. The series will follow Kim’s pals, the heads of bicoastal agency Command Public Relations. [People]
● The lawyer of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist’s Arnold Klein reveals that Klein is “well aware” that he is the biological father of Jackson’s two children, Prince and Paris. [USMagazine]

Probably because Dannii Minogue was unavailable for any singing-related duties, Sunday's Miss Universe pageant featured a sumptuous serenade by Heidi Montag, which was then summarily pulverized by bloggers, not unlike that thing involving our money and bankers last fall. And maybe such desperation, and the indignity of having to perform at a Miss Universe pageant, brands Montag as a new recessionomic heroine. God, I hope not. Anyway, to continue bludgeoning Montag at this point is like slashing the tires on a defeated nemesis' car, after already letting the air out. So in the spirit of retracting claws and not adding to a chorus of Captain Obviouses, perhaps utilizing the most dreadful word in the English -- one that's benevolently banal -- may be the best way to categorically breakdown Heidi Montag's big televised singing debut.

Heidi, darling. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do hope the vigil out by the PCH where they found Spencer's '68 Chevy Camaro, with door ajar, went well. And that all three people (these two plus sister Stephanie Pratt) who were on hand to mourn your loss were able to make peace with a man who was just too precious to be torn from this world, like a band-aid from a broken blister. But I'm exuberant that you're sublimating your sorrow by pursuing philanthropic work to make good on your promise to Gaymerica. That is, your Playboy debut.

Jessie James is a young, Southern belle, getting some recognition for some Billboard-friendly tunes about heartbreak and girl power that was on the soundtrack for some movie that was equally about heartbreak and girl power. Now she's taking her act on the road, opening for the Jonas Brothers, showcasing that country twang to legions of squealing tweens in advance of the August 11 release of her debut album. Miss James called us from the road in Colorado to talk about who uses sex to sell and who doesn't, enjoying Nickelback's music, and her desire to take down the Third Reich.

● Tom and Katie stopped by Hollywood Boulevard to support friend Cameron Diaz as she got her star on the Walk of Fame. [JustJared]
● Although Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green may or may not be together anymore, Fox doesn’t worry about having Brain’s name tattooed somewhere on her anatomy, ‘cause it would be so easy to laser off these days. [NationalLedger]
● E! has taken the advice of their viewers and have banned Heidi and Spencer Pratt from their channel -- no coverage, no air time, nada. [E!]