Crude header for an even cruder bit of oversharing, I suppose. However, at least Jeremy Piven's not alone! Recently, Patron Saint of Everything Amazing Dolly Parton tweeted about the ginormity of her breasts, "Aahhh chiropractor ... Hurts so good :-) you lug these around and see if your back don't hurt!" And you know who took a break from tearing the CW a new one (sheesh, the netlet's down on its luck, isn't it?) to agree with ol' Dolly? Her new BFF Jessica Simpson!

● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch]
● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us]
● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]

Hey Jessica, overshare! Even the most down-on-our-luck among us never actually 'fess up to online dating. You know who may openly admit to online dating, but even they might not come off so desperate? Lepers. Do you have a granulomatous disease of the peripheral nerves and mucosa of the upper respiratory tract, Jessica Simpson? I didn't think so. Although you did date John Mayer and that may have been comparable. Also, I know this dead dog business is taking a toll your psyche. Even as I type, it's making you think that the time you pretty openly ripped off John Mellencamp, you did the world a favor. You didn't, Jessica. You didn't.

There are a number of helpful tips outlining how to fix your face the morning after a major drink-a-thon, but what about fixing yourself when you couldn't blush a straight line, much less walk one? The issue in question usually arises whilst one is elbow deep in some after-work margs at Rosa Mexicana, at which point furthering the fun from an after-work activity into an after-dawn affair seems like a very good idea. Not even the heinous sight of your tequila swollen face, still hanging on to the last remnants of the foundation you applied before 8am, and runny mascara, could deter you from meeting boys for even more tequila at Cantina Latina. This drunk makeup dilemma usually occurs during one of these occasions: you've accidentally have one too many vodka red bulls while curling your hair before a night out, you've decided during a round of shots that this after-work cocktail session needs to head to the club, or you've somehow managed to see straight long enough to catch a glimpse of yourself in a shard of mirror clinging to the bathroom wall of some dive in Chinatown. Fear not Beauty Junkie, there's an app(lication) for that.

Jessica Simpson of newlywed fame and many subsequent sad tabloid covers is making a comeback of sorts, again in the reality television genre -- this time as a traveling reporter on all things beauty. With Jessica as host, she'll travel around discussing beauty regimes of women in other countries and how the concept of beauty ranges from country to country, woman to woman. The series beings sometime in 2010, but she's already jetting around and filming spots for the show.

● Paris Hilton tries to remain relevant by gushing about former/current BFF Nicole Richie’s new son, calling Sparrow “a perfect addition to the family.” [Us]
● Friends of Jessica Simpson worry the singer (?)/actress (?) is about to go all Sylvia Plath and fall into the bell jar now that her "baby" Daisy was mauled by a coyote. [People]
● Jason Segal and Chloë Sevigny are bumping uglies -- the TV duo were spotted making out at an after-Emmy party, but quickly de-locked their lips once noticed by the masses. [E!]

● Aubrey O’Day says she wants to be just like BFF Jenna Jameson -- a multimedia brand -- just, you know, without the porn part. [CraveOnline]
● Rachelle Lefevre is understandably upset and surprised that her meal ticket, er, rather her Twilight role, has fallen into the lap of Bryce Dallas Howard. [People]
● Now that Jessica Simpson is Tony Romo-free, she plans to get her old Dukes of Hazard-era body back; that’ll teach ‘em to dump you the day before your birthday. [OK]

● Tom and Katie stopped by Hollywood Boulevard to support friend Cameron Diaz as she got her star on the Walk of Fame. [JustJared]
● Although Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green may or may not be together anymore, Fox doesn’t worry about having Brain’s name tattooed somewhere on her anatomy, ‘cause it would be so easy to laser off these days. [NationalLedger]
● E! has taken the advice of their viewers and have banned Heidi and Spencer Pratt from their channel -- no coverage, no air time, nada. [E!]

● Michael Jackson is on a hunger strike because he fears being fat will damage his chances of surviving cancer, ‘cause he evidently has cancer. [TheSun]
● No need to worry -- that National Enquirer “exclusive” about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting has no truth to it. They and their six kids are as happy and beautiful as can be. [People]
● The debate can end regarding whether or not Eminem knew Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno was going to drop in his lap; the rapper reveals that it was indeed planned and rehearsed. [People]

● Gwyneth Paltrow asked Two Lovers director James Gray to check out her boobs and OK them for a nude scene, as the mother of two didn’t think they were up to par. He approved. [DListed]
● Penélope Cruz is currently in Cannes, but she missed out on promoting her upcoming musical Nine when she came down with food poisoning. [People]
● Fergie joins the ranks of Lilo, Lady Gaga, and Megan Fox after admitting she too has had a lesbian affair. [thesun.co.uk]