● Zach Galifianakis will host Saturday Night Live on March 6th -- and the internet goes wild! [Twitter]
● Vice President Joe Biden saw Avatar in 2-D; he is un-American. [Daily Intel]
● Conan O'Brien is paying severance to some staffers out of his own pocket. But just imagine the giant pockets that could fit $45 million. [TMZ]

Well, this makes sense: John Mayer is a chronic soloist in the bedroom (or anywhere, for that matter, admits the singer-songwriter who once dated Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston). Mayer, who appears to have misplaced his T-shirt on the cover of the new issue of Rolling Stone, tells the magazine, "I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion." Funny, because I'd always wondered about the meaning of a line from "Something Missing," in which he sings, "How come everything I think I need always comes with batteries?" Just kidding! I've never heard that song before in my life!

That is unless "you" are (a) a woman with discerning taste, (b) a woman who does not care for the musical stylings of John Mayer, (c) a woman who likes other women, or (d) a man. But if "you" are a young girl, (maybe!) aged 13 to 33 who counts Battle Studies among her more treasured possessions, well then, John Mayer has a proposition for you! An indecent, illicit proposition that would probably make your parents cry and nuns clack rosaries with such fervor that you'd wonder if three sixes had just appeared on your forehead; he'd like to get you pregnant!

On days like today, I feel especially old and count the silver hairs on my head. Because today, Selena Gomez finally starts her mighty ascent from Disney Channel tween queen to Hollywood Person of Interest. Selena Gomez is a person who sings or acts, or for all I know, she could be what caused the crash of Oceanic Flight 815 on Lost. But my ignorance won't last long, because the crafty Gomez has wheedled her way between the two Taylors and torn them asunder.

● John Mayer brought some Christmas d-bag cheer to the Ellen DeGeneres show, wearing an ironic Christmas sweater and doing an impression of his six-year-old self at Xmas. [JustJared]
● Tara Reid is showing us her dilapidated fun bags in Playboy so we’ll finally stop making fun of them. No such luck. [ET]
● Is Robert Pattinson stepping out on KStew, with co-star Emilie de Ravin? Say it isn’t so! It isn’t so. The duo were seen feigning a romantic date at LACMA for an upcoming shoot for Vogue. [E!]

Well, crap. In trying to play relationship whisperer to Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, John Mayer has unwillingly made himself into the latest love of LiLo's life. Lately, Lohan has been weaving a veritable Charlotte's Web of men, spinning such leading men like Gerard Butler and Ryan Phillippe into the fractured Greek tragedy of her life. According to an onlooker who was having a chat with E!, "She would follow his every move. He would dance with the waitresses and then come back. She was way into it. Sam and Lindsay were getting along great, but as friends." Apparently it was a magical night at Butter, where love was in the air.

● John Mayer is valiantly trying to reconcile Lindsay Lohan and former/current paramour Samantha Ronson, playing the relationship whisperer to the two at Butter the other night. [Hollyscoop]
● Because Natalie Portman was busy making those pesky Star Wars films in her high school years, the actress didn’t get to enjoy the finer points of education -- like pot or getting flat-out drunk -- ‘til her college years. [JustJared]
● Ashley Green has picked a side in the hottie civil war of the Twilight Saga, and she’s on Team Edward, adding that Taylor Lautner’s pubescent (albeit buff) body does nothing for her, preferring the pale sparkly bod of Robert Pattinson's alter-ego. [Showbizspy]

It's with much hesitance that I lift this well-meaning moratorium on the d-word. It's pretty grim when a magazine bookends a year with Tom Cruise and John Mayer. It's also grim when it's a man-mag rifling through a shrinking readership for an even further shrinking demo (desperate straight men lacking self-awareness) but alas, someone must write and/or pretend to read features like Details' "Meet the Gay Douchebag." And a month after its Adam Lambert cover? Coincidence, that. I digress, though. Over the year, Details has had a few anomalous coverguys, finding distinguished marks in Jason Bateman, Clive Owen (pictured above), Matthew Fox, and Eric Bana (though it's not likely any of those fellas sold many issues) . Which makes the other two-thirds more problematic. Surely Hollywood isn't so dry on the Batemans and Owens of the world that we have to have John effing Mayer foisted on us? Most of the year in Details covers after the break.

• Good morning! People who are responsible with money have purchased some rhinestone-studded glove that Michael Jackson wore once for about $350,000. [BBC]
• John Mayer has made the claim that celebrity musicians typically make bad records. Stones and a glass house, honey. [DigitalSpy]
• Along those lines: Jennifer Lopez has a new music video out. It is about the thrills of preparing lattice pie crusts, but features close-ups of her lips for no particular reason. [D-Listed]

● John Mayer has a crush, and her name is Taylor Swift. What makes her so attractive? Her humility (take note, Jennifer Aniston). Mayer adds: "Taylor Swift is the last person to know she's Taylor Swift, which I think is totally sweet." [DigitalSpy]
● Here’s a little insight into the world of Victoria Beckham: She usually wears nothing to bed, loves saying that she eats hamburgers, and has nixed self-tanner. [Us]
● Levi Johnston has shot down Sarah Palin’s Oprah-induced Thanksgiving offer saying it was "a nice gesture, but she didn't mean it," and even if she did, it would be totally “awkward.” [People]