People sometimes try to present outlandish arguments to me as a past-time. Sometimes they'll make a case for how Alyssa Milano is a "hot babe" and has a "sweet ass." I tend to stare back blankly as a result. Other times, they'll say that Ashton Kutcher's comedic stylings are sharp, cutting edge, and positively uproarious. At this point, I suggest they ease off the Irish Car Bombs. But to their credit, their incoherent outbursts represent something edifying: that part of America that time forgot. A part which also inexplicably remains a hindrance to all progress. These are people who appreciated Alyssa Milano on Who's the Boss, but not so much on Charmed (that conflicted with their warped world views.) They also enjoyed guffawing to Kelso's antics on That '70s Show too. And what better way to gently take this distrusting chunk of the American electorate by the hand and say, "No, friend! Universal health care is not a step towards full-blown communism! It simply means that parents who otherwise can't afford to can buy a thing to cure their child's sickness. So he doesn't come to school and infect your ugly brat." Yes, Milano and Kutcher may be excellent casual ambassadors for this issue as it goes up against the blue-hairs in Senate.

I always thought that John McCain had an evil twin running amok. During the election, this sinister doppelganger was the one lurching around on live television, occasionally barking at Obama, sullying the otherwise sensible senator's name. And I could very well be right. Post-election, the angry McCain seems to have stepped aside, and a more levelheaded man has emerged -- just yesterday, in fact. Most notable among his confessions is this: Should Sarah Palin continue her quest to the Oval Office (which we hope she won't after she finishes processing all those zeroes) he won't necessarily support her.

I've never used The National Enquirer as a source. But they've got a picture allegedly depicting Cindy McCain tonguing a gent who is obviously not her literal loser of a husband. In a pre-John Edwards world, that would have been a blonde woman kissing the dad from 7th Heaven, but now everything the Enquirer scoops must be believed (even though their Palin affair claim gained little traction).

Election night is upon us, and whether you like it or not, George Bush is about to replaced as POTUSA. Tomorrow night, fair-minded Americans will be toasting Dubya's eight years in office, while welcoming the man who will shepherd this country through a whole lotta shit. That means parties, and the Thom Bar at 60 Thompson in New York's SoHo is hosting a party that welcomes "all Joe Six-Packs, hockey moms, mavericks, and Joe The Plumbers." That's a hurting crowd if I've ever seen one. There will be cocktail specials all night, including the $5 "Blue Barack" vs. the $10 "Red Maverick," with hostess Sherry Vine DJing. Results will be displayed on a 60-inch screen, and if the race is too close to call, then too bad: The party ends at 2 a.m.

Like a bad hangover from the 1980s, Cabbage Patch dolls are back and have surfaced on eBay. Specifically, four one-of-a-kind dolls in the likeness of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and John McCain are going up for auction on eBay. "These four folks in particular seemed like the perfect candidates, if you will, to become one-of-a-kind Cabbage Patch Kids," said Jakks Pacific Inc. spokeswoman Genna Rosenberg. "We've had a great history with making celebrity look-alikes with these Kids. We've done everyone from Elvis to Donald Trump to Ellen and Oprah." All proceeds from the auction, which begins Thursday and ends November 4, will benefit the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation.

While Sarah Palin as Halloween costume was a stale idea almost immediately (even in drag), using the potential 2012 presidential candidate as a prop in an elaborate if macabre outdoor Halloween display remains unparalleled. Hanging by a length of rope from the roof of a West Hollywood home, a lynched mannequin is dolled up in Palin's trademark red skirt, blazer, and unmistakable updo. Another mannequin, dressed up as John McCain, is seen emerging from the chimney in flames. Tasteful!

The New York Times asks: "Who was the highest paid individual in Senator John McCain's presidential campaign during the first half of October as it headed down the homestretch? "Here's a hint: She's more likely to be seen backstage at So You Think You Can Dance than anywhere in the White House, and she fetches a biweekly salary of just under $23,000 -- higher than even McCain's policy adviser. Still stumped? It's make-up artist Amy Strozzi.

Sure, he's British and can't cast a ballot on election day, but nothing's more sterling than an endorsement from Daniel Craig. The blond Bond likens Barack Obama to a political 007. Says the actor, "Obama would be the better Bond, because, if he's true to his word, he'd be willing to quite literally look the enemy in the eye and go toe-to-toe with them." But his endorsement doesn't come without a backhanded compliment for John McCain, who he contends would make an excellent M, given his military experience. He adds, "There is kind of a kind of Judi Dench quality about McCain." Surely he's referring to the dame's affected scowl which seems to be the Republican candidate's default expression.

A banner week indeed for diva drama -- these ladies are in constant flux between mental stability and the precipice of hot-messery. To recap:

● Sans a frappuccino or a freakout, Britney Spears vaulted 95 spots to #1 with "Womanizer."
● Madonna and Guy Ritchie are splitting up. And she's not letting him off that easy, having enlisted the ball-busting legal talents of Fiona Shackleton, the same broad who represented Prince Charles and Paul McCartney in their divorces. There's also some talk of Madonna high-tailing it to Malawi with A-Rod, posthaste.

This is it -- the penultimate showdown before the big dance on November 4. Grab a brew and get ready to holler at your favorite candidate on the big screen. Watch the final Obama-McCain televised deathmatch at the following political-friendly hotspots.

New York
● Fashion 40 Lounge (Times Square) - Obama and McCain, in surround sound.
● The Tank @ DCTV (Chinatown) - The Hysterical Festival Laughing Liberally and Final Debate Watch Party with Katie Halper (Huffington Post), Erin Judge (Comedy Central), Negin Farsad (Comedy Central), Lizz Winstead (Shoot the Messenger, The Daily Show) and Mindy Raf as Leibya Rogers (VH1).
● Tribeca Grand Hotel (Tribeca): Tribeca Film Festival white-hot zone stays steaming all year round.