● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch]
● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us]
● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]

● In Michael Lohan’s guesstimation, Lindsay Lohan has a week, or a month, or a year to live and needs to be in a long-term rehab, lest she wind up like Heath Ledger, who Michael would like you to know was very close to Lilo. [NYDailyNews]
● Lady Gaga’s ninth tattoo will be a dedication to her father, who lived through open-heart surgery. Fittingly, Gaga plans to get a heart with the word "Dad" inside of it. [ContactMusic]
● Natalie Portman defends her vegetarianism by comparing eating meat to rape. [Celebrity-Gossip]

You know, just the other day I was hoping that someone would satisfy my need for a highly styled coonskin cap. It's time the trademark topper of fashionistas like Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone got a design update and made a comeback. Imagine my excitement when just this morning I found out that the Kate Gosselin wig was available for purchase. The hair chunk is meant to complete your Jon and Kate Plus 8 Halloween costume, but it could do double time to give your '"slutty frontiersman" costume a fashionable update.

● Although Guy Ritchie claims to “love” ex-wife Madonna, he still thinks she’s “retarded.” [MSN]
● Who would have thought? Kevin Federline doesn’t take care of his house! The owners of his rented Tarzana house want $100K for damages, including cigarette butts and empty beer bottles in the gutter, a bent light post, and drawings all over the walls. [Dlisted]
● Law & Order’s next ripped-from-the-headlines plot will feature a Jon and Kate Gosselin-esque storyline, where the “Kate” character is murdered and the “Jon” is the suspect. [EW]

● Michael Bolton would like you to know that Lady Gaga is straight up “bonkers.” How does Bolton know this? Because the singer, pre-"Poker Face" fame, came to his hotel room to write a song with “only tea cups covering her nipples!” [Showbizspy]
● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie flashed the rarely seen Vivienne and Knox at a local ice cream shop in Jordan; 14-month-old Vivienne already has her ears pierced. [JustJared]
● Seth MacFarlane is known for his off-color humor on Family Guy, but the funny man didn’t appreciate being the butt of Tina Fey’s "drunk" joke at the Emmys. Saying he was “shocked” and left wondering “Really? You can't find someone who is more recognizable?'” [DigitalSpy]

● Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl are reprimanding the makers of Guitar Hero for giving gamers the ability to make Kurt Cobain rap in the new version of the game; Courtney Love (of course) wants to sue. [FooFighters,GameSpot]
● It’s one thing to flaunt your rebound relationship in the tabloids, but Kate Gosselin thinks Jon Gosselin bringing his girlfriend to meet their kids is crossing the reality-show line. [Radar]
● Miley Cyrus is being approached to make a cameo in the Sex and the City 2. [MTV]

● Hugh Hefner offered Kate Gosselin $400K to flaunt her post-eight-babies bod for Playboy; thankfully, Gosselin turned the offer down. [NYDailyNews]
● Add Paul McCartney to the list of people who want the Beatles catalog on iTunes. McCartney blames EMI for the delay. [NME]
● Did you hear the awesome news that Kristen Wiig is joining Seth Meyers on Weekend Update? Well, don’t get too excited, ‘cause it’s not happening. Meyers will report the faux-news all by his lonesome this season. [EW]

Quelle horreur! Here we are, stepping out into the first day of September, yet still dealing with the cultural backwash from August (which is actually residual from the seven months preceding). Clearly it's time to sneer our lips, scrunch our noses, and start pointing fingers. If you've got tar and feathers, or maybe a small family of bees and some honey, now's the time to arm yourself. This year has given us too many high-profile personalities who have turned their dumb-assery into a marketable skill. But some have been more insidious than others. They've pushed our collective sympathy to the brink, while proving to be nothing more than cultural tumors lodged on our brain, forcing at least a square millimeter of gray matter to hold the simple syllables of their names. And so as fall sets in, it's alright to vigilantly tear down these celebrity gossip news spammers.

● After nonstop tabloid coverage, Jon and Kate Plus Eight are back on the air from their self-imposed hiatus. [Us]
● Now that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are dunzo, let’s take a look at their recently released private wedding album. [MrPaparazzi]
● Rumors that Vanessa Hudgens has banned BF Zac Efron from seeing Megan Fox are false; Hudgens is just (understandably) terrified that Megan Fox is going to steal her man. [Showbizspy]

● Fox has decided not to air the Family Guy episode centering on abortion, ‘cause as Seth McFarlane puts it, the network was "scared to fucking death" of the reaction it might incur. [AOL]
● Johnny Depp hid from rabid fans at Comic Con by channeling his inner furry and walking around the convention in a full squirrel costume. His only problem: he was still wearing his official nametag. [DeppAddicted]
● Jon Gosselin has his New York bachelor pad, and now Kate Gosselin has her own bachelorette pad in Maryland, where coincidently her bodyguard Steve Neild lives. [JustJared]