Last night, all of the country was abuzz with a manly display of brute force that involves (1) tossing a ball around; (2) catching said ball; and (3) jumping on top of whichever man is in possession of the ball. Yeah, I don't get why it wasn't sponsored by a gay matrimonial website, either. Seems like simple synergy, no? Alas, this is your CBS Corp.-owned America! Still, last night's event managed its fair share of its gay moments. Much to the chagrin of Tim Tebow, no doubt.

The '00s was the era of the uncelebrity. Thanks to reality television, which became an omnipresent phenomenon starting in 2000 with the original Survivor, the development of the 24/7 news cycle and a flush economy that celebrated conspicuous consumption and little else, a class of humans became famous just for being famous. Unlike celebrities of ages past, they had no discernible talent, no poise, no finely-groomed finishing school-caliber charm, just a will to fame. As we crawl towards the end of the aughts, let's take a look at the many prominent non-celebrity celebrities the decade brought us.

Time and again, various supermarket tabloids will do wacky things for the sake of search engine optimization. Most recently, Us Weekly really eerily perved on Miley Cyrus' breasts. Today, we turn our attention to People, which grabs your eyeballs by the optic nerves and forces you to consider who urinated on Kim Kardashian, by declaring Find Out Who Peed On Kim Kardashian. Can you handle it?

It's not nearly as scintillating as that time Paris Hilton danced around at a car wash while waving a hamburger around or when Padma Lakshmi sat down on the steps of a brownstone and licked mayonnaise off her wrist, but Kim Kardashian still manages to complete the holy trinity of reality bombshells recruited by hamburger chain Carl's Jr. to do odd things while ingesting crappy comestibles.

● A model and wannabe rapper named Michael Girgenti (a.k.a Premo Stallone) is claiming to be the real father of Kourtney Kardashian's newborn baby. [Star]
● Check out the Jonas Brother’s Christmas Card. Joe, Kevin and Nick are all present as well as their little brother, the bonus Jonas Frankie, and a Jerry Garcia-lookin’ Santa Claus. [HuffPost]
● Sienna Miller is hanging out in Barbados for Christmas where she may or may not be waiting for Jude Law to join her. [JustJared]

Sex tapes. They're like porn films, except dimly lit with less appealing actors. Oh, and the sound is bad. Also, sometimes the bodies are green on account of the infrared, a necessity due to the previously mentioned dim lighting. So unless you have a Kermit fetish or enjoy watching very unattractive people with inept camera sense engage in poorly directed intercourse, the average amateur sex tape probably doesn't do it for you. That being said, celebrity sex tapes are an entirely different beast with two (or more) backs.

• Hello World! Meet Heidi Samuel. She's just like Heidi Klum, but upgraded: She's fierce! She's real! Sometimes, she even has a fugly misstep. But dammit, she sure loves that guy who was Frenched by a flower. [DigitalSpy]
• I don't know who Justin Bieber is either! Is he that Balloon Boy some people were bantering about weeks ago? Whoever he is, his fans are more unhinged than New Moon hordes, apparently. [ABC News]
• Sigh, I don't know why either as this is the perfect time for her to star in any Age of Innocence remake. (RE: Megan Fox won't be killed off in Transformers 3.) [DigitalSpy]

● Lindsay Lohan doesn’t pay for drinks, okay?! After grabbing and downing two bottles of expensive champagne at Crown Bar, Lohan promptly had a hissy fit when the bartender gave her the bill. [People]
● Paris Hilton is mad at Kim Kardashian and her sisters for biting the dubious fame hand that feeds and becoming more famous than her. [P6]
● Don’t mess with Courtney Cox when it comes to a ham and cheese sandwich. Turns out Ms. Cox is quite the terror on the set of Cougar Town, humiliating a crew member for not preparing the sandwich with equal parts ham and cheese. [PopCrunch]

● Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally going out; it’s confirmed they were snapped holding hands! Well, Kristen is grasping Rob’s wrist anyways. [PopSugar]
● Kim Kardashian says pregnant sister Kourtney is having issues with the fact that you actually gain weight while pregnant: “"Kourtney is going crazy, she feels so big right now.” [Us]
● Comedian Katt Williams has been released from a Georgia jail after being arrested for attempted burglary. Williams is accused of trying to break into a home with a crowbar and stealing $3,500 worth of jewelry and rare coins. [CNN]

In a television role custom-engineered for the bawdy likes of Kim Kardashian, the fitness guru/gay heroine/reality TV icon/one-time porn starlet/former Dancing with the Stars contestant/part-time lesbian will be adding "stabby seductress" to her expanding skillset. For CSI: New York, Kardashian will be slapping on a few layers of Spanx in order to fit into a corset many sizes too small, shoehorning her size 10s into a glossy pair of eff-me-pumps, and sharpening her shiv.