For the uninitiated, New Moon is the second chapter in a heart-stopping series that explores the range and breadth of the human condition. A series that, for all intents and purposes, asks us to be so bold as to carve open our hearts and mindfully pick out emotions encrusted around the ventricles. Such calcified collections of rage and sorrow they are, inhibiting blood flow to the brain, moving us to consequently make poor life choices like this. Yes, New Moon casts a modern-day Marlowe-esque light on The Way We Are. Its protagonists are constantly torn with having to make shady business deals to get their True Heart's Desire. There is Bella, the intrepid, lower lip-biting everygirl, who would throw all the money away if she could just be in Edward's arms forever. Then there is Edward, who would give all the money in the world if he could make trash angels. But twist! There's also Jacob, whose end-game may be the most easily attainable: To strike a deal with the devil to procure a limitless supply Crest white-strips. But sadly, people whose jobs it is to sit down and critique films, but never to actually slap some celluloid together, have decided that New Moon is nothing more a pile of steaming bat poo.

● Courtney Love talks about the time Sharon Stone screamed at her in front of Anna Wintour. Oh, memories. [NYMag]
● Miley Cyrus hasn’t seen Twilight -- and doesn’t plan to. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires ... I don’t want anything to do with it.”[EW]
● Twihards, brace yourselves: Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart will lock lips in their next film, The Runaways; according to Fanning, it’s a very passionate kiss. [AccessHollywood]

If you have been unfortunate enough to be whacked by the unemployment stick and have been reduced to considering debased ways to make a buck, please cross "Paparazzo" off your list of prospective careers. The Daily Beast reports that photographs of celebrities are selling “for 31 percent less than [they] did in 2007” and that “high-end” photos (think, Brangelina with baby) of six figures or more “are down more than 50 percent.” So, if you’re gonna climb into a tree or chase other human beings around Los Angeles for a photograph, please only expect to make thousands of dollars, not tens to hundreds of thousands of them. Brandy Navarre, the co-owner of photo-agency X-17, says, “We were looking at forms from 2007 and my husband was almost crying. You can’t believe the checks that were coming in, in ‘07 versus now what we’re getting. It’s a different world.” She calls it “The Post-Britney Era.” We call it good.

Taylor Lautner, who has had a Ken doll fashioned in his likeness recently, has come on the record stating what R-Patz has pretty much written an entire dissertation on: Twihards are effing nuts! Said Lautner to the The Boston Globe: "It's great to know you have all those fans and all that support behind you. It may [frighten you] at first, but it's their way of expressing their passion for you and the series. We're definitely thankful to have them behind us. That's our driving force." And the driving force hasn't disappointed, already setting records for New Moon's release, a week ahead of its release.

● Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally going out; it’s confirmed they were snapped holding hands! Well, Kristen is grasping Rob’s wrist anyways. [PopSugar]
● Kim Kardashian says pregnant sister Kourtney is having issues with the fact that you actually gain weight while pregnant: “"Kourtney is going crazy, she feels so big right now.” [Us]
● Comedian Katt Williams has been released from a Georgia jail after being arrested for attempted burglary. Williams is accused of trying to break into a home with a crowbar and stealing $3,500 worth of jewelry and rare coins. [CNN]

There are certain limitations that come with acting in highly successful franchises whose target audience are girls aged 8-14. One includes not being able to come out as a lesbian in a non-hypothetical way. Another includes not engaging in filthy habits like smoking. Which is why a close-up of Robert Pattinson staring smugly at a paparazzi camera with fag between fingers is going to set off a firestorm. A lot like the one that Pattinson would've started if he had discarded that cigarette, unstubbed, over the balcony and let it fall into a gasoline puddle.

● Kristen Stewart refuses to answer questions about her relationship with Robert Pattinson because “There’s no answer that’s not going to tip you one way or the other. ‘Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian.'” [EW]
● Everyone’s favorite housewife of Atlanta, Kim Zolciak, says she’s a fan of Botox, but only because it helps her migraines, and she recommends it to everyone. [HuffingtonPost]
● Dancing with the Stars pro Cheryl Burke plans to take on the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago before Season 10 of the show. [People]

It's not terribly hush-hush that much of the Twilight franchise's tertiary cast is comprised of critical darlings. As such, Bryce Dallas Howard and Catalina Sandino Moreno recently came aboard the franchise. However, Nikki Reed has been biding her time as the vampire Rosalie Hale. Although she made one of her premiere dents in showbiz starring in the Oscar-nominated Thirteen alongside Evan Rachel Wood (who, curiously, plays a vampire on another popular soap these days.) So, in spite of all the K-Stew love, why is there so much hate for Reed?

Famed bottom-lip biter Kristen Stewart says there is some parallel poetry between the vampires of Twilight and the life of fame and riches that the movies' roles have brought about for their young stars. Which really is the sort of startling conclusion that would've helped the past couple generations of child stars age a lot more gracefully. Maybe Stewart's exceptional worldview is just part of a sea change for many young celebrities quickly learning to adapt to the ruthlessly fickle rhythms of celebrity culture. But she presents co-star Robert Pattinson's Edward Cullen as a bleak metaphor for celebrity. She says, "Edward is actually a really good parallel to fame."

While good news for the cast of Eclipse includes the end of filming, the comparatively horrible news for the core cast (basically R-Patz and K-Stew) includes news of New Moon's all-American mall tour! Yippee! On your way to Hot Topic or Lane Bryant (because R-Patz fans largely frequently only one of those two establishments and nowhere else, especially since the demise of record shops), you can high-five K-Stew, get hair-curling tips from R-Patz, and abuse the other cast members with who we're not (and never ever will be) on a first-letter-dash-abbreviated-last-name basis.