It's not that bashing celebrities who "lend their efforts" towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It's that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters--natural and man-made--wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn't just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we've already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There's already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There's also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?

Did you know that today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day? Apparently for want of some kind of cultural milestone to call its own, a terrible Indiana-based radio station started, nine years ago, to celebrate the advent of the packaging material on the last Monday of every January. This year marks the 50th anniversary of bubble wrap. And while popping bubble wrap in between your thumb and forefinger remains the most inexpensive form of therapy that exists, let's take time out to explore bubble wrap's primary purpose: To keep things from breaking. After the jump: Five celebrities who could be rolled in bubble wrap for red-eye flights between JFK and LAX to prevent fatigue, exhaustion, and further breakdowns.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I wonder what a screenplay as penned by pop superstar Leona Lewis would look like? Would it be a soaring political thing like Letters from Iwo Jima or a feat of you-go-girl triumphance like Million Dollar Baby? Would it delicately touch upon the ills plaguing our society?" What if within Lewis is a budding Dogme 95 superstar and Leona Lewis has, in her well-manicured nails, a handheld camera to help her helm the next Dancer in the Dark? Would Lewis have a high profile clash with Björk that would send her running into the woods? Would Americans go onto decry her as anti-American, turning her into a fringe idol among European hipsterati? Wonder no more, friend! Because Leona Lewis has exclusively revealed her eventual plans to branch out into the fascinating world of film.

Whyyyy, Leona Lewis? I don't know what I did to piss you off in a past life but you just. won't. go. away. You keep bleeding, keep on bleeding love thereby causing my ears to keep bleeding, keep on bleeding. Just bleeding. It's a very agonizing ache you're putting me through, LeLew. And now, you're going to take your boringness to people's armoires! How bleeding fantastic. I suppose I'm supposed to grant you a little clemency because it's animal-friendly and you're vegetarian and that somewhere between those two facts, a few saved chickens means that Mother Earth will somehow suffer from fewer CO₂ emissions. But what about all that plastic your CDs are printed on, LeLew? Those aren't eco-friendly!

Casual one-woman Snow Patrol coverband Leona Lewis has reportedly turned down an offer to disrobe for Playboy to the tune of over $1.5 million. She was said to be flattered by the offer though, which is a gracious way of saying, "Seriously, creative directors of failing girlie mag? You're going to try to follow up Heidi effing Montag and an illustration with me, the one and only Leona Lewis? Excuse me while I bleed love all over you." Still, Lewis is committed to serving her manbase. So she's agreed to warble the theme to Final Fantasy XIII.

Yesterday, we knew nothing about Beyogaga and it was "Sol-Angel this!" and "Hadley St. Dreams that!" Then heads exploded as Solange gave The Dirty Projectors a slick makeover. In a vain bid to extend Solange's mission of fipster goodwill into a wave of good news for the superlative popstrel that'll still be relevant by the time next week rolls around, here's an obligatory trend piece! No, not one about rock-and-roll types legitimizing pop songs/"Single Ladies", rather the exact opposite. Because irony for irony's sake is so passé. With pop stars, it's about self-awareness as a device in furthering careers. It's about bringing music to the masses. It's about saving lives. Too far? Fine, fine. In any case, a round-up of some recent exemplary rock covers that pop stars have performed for some reason or another.

Pop singer Leona Lewis, whose soundbites have gotten substantially more interesting since that very unfortunate incident, has come on the record on the most important newsbeat to emerge this year: Twilight. She whispers, "I'm obsessed with the Twilight films." This in turn leads us to believe that in addition to marathoning the vampire franchise, an ideal night in for Lewis would also involve inviting best friend and former Sugababe Keisha Buchanan over to munch on Kinder Bueno bars, paint each other's toenails, and take the piss out of the celebrity-industrial complex.

Maybe it's most telling that Lindsay Lohan's star sign is Cancer. Because given failure after effing failure, there is something malignant about how lately, no matter how hard she tries, everything she touches is terminal. Take for example her part-time charge as couturiere for Ungaro, which ended in ill-placed pasties and bloodshed and her ensuing salary, the kind of payment that a fashion house might pay an intern for her troubles: a heap of tattered rags. And now, with LiLo's label dropping her, it seems her third album, Spirit in the Dark is doomed to stay, well, in the dark.

ZOMG. "Bleeding Love" is an incredible pop song about love and masochism. People who listen to too much pop music are masochists. Leona Lewis and her listeners might be masochists. Which doesn't explain the sadistic freak who attacked her in a London bookstore this evening.

World-famous love-hemorrhager Leona Lewis apparently has a new single out. Ironically, the single is called "Happy." And despite evoking the exact opposite feeling among people with ears, it still sounds like it would've made for an excellent Whitney Houston comeback single. Although it doesn't lend itself as freely to audience participation. The song itself is a nice, two-and-a-half out of five stars kind of pop affair. And she'll probably at least get Top 5 for a week or two Stateside before starting a sharp descent. So then, what exactly does the pop star have to worry about in terms of an impending sophomore slump?