Once upon a time, we used to be a civilized nation--and our barometer for success was Lindsay Lohan's rising star. And then, the broken institution that is Child Protective Services failed to wrench Lohan away from her parasitic parents. So the Parent Trap starlet crashed, burned and became a one-woman personification of American decline. Which then puts us here: Lohan reportedly getting smacked around by ex Samantha Ronson. And according to an insider's confession, this Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown dynamic has become routine for the pair.

It may cost $150,000 to make Lindsay Lohan your date for the night if you're an Austrian billionaire about to attend the Vienna Opera Ball, but how much does she cost if you're a clothing brand and she wears your wares to a high-profile event? The Wall Street Journal attempts to crack the code, and figuring what starlet gets the most play on the red carpet.

If anyone can help America's most famous "secret" celebrity hoarder, it's Niecy "done seen a lot" Nash. Tonight the Clean House hostess speaks to Lindsay Lohan about yet another one of her addictions-- hoarding--on The Insider. Niecy will ostensibly advise La Lohan on what clothing to return to which angry designers/ex-editors/former friends. What all might Lindsay be squirreling away, and why would anyone as famous as she admit to her problem in such a public way? Ha! We kid, we kid! Admitting to embarrassing problems is just Lohan's M.O.

● Despite reports to the contrary by Perez Hilton, nine-year-old Noah Cyrus is not -- we repeat NOT -- designing a line of children's lingerie. But, yes, it is tragic that the internet considered this a possibility. [Fab Life]
● Lindsay Lohan spotted with "prescription drugs." Lindsay Lohan spotted with hair. Lindsay Lohan spotted with legs. [Daily Mail]
● Game time! Lady GaGa or a Figure Skater? [Celebuzz]

● For 19 years, an Austrian billionaire has been paying celebrity women $150,000 to accompany him to the Vienna Opera Ball. This year it was Lindsay Lohan, but with the free Mischa Barton rebate. [Page Six]
● It's that time of the week again: an article about how texting, Facebook and Twitter are OMG RUININ INGLISH. [CTV]
● Tila Tequila took to Twitter to claim that rapper The Game was the father of her baby. He countered: "I wouldn't use 50's stick," meaning 50 Cent and penis. [Hip Hop Wired]

Over the last two decades, Maxim has featured a bevy of beauties on its covers, from Hollywood starlets to sexy female sports stars. But like the unfortunate souls found on Playboy's worst cover-girl list, Maxim does suffer the occasional miscast. Although it may be interesting to see Fergie in a bra, even the mag's target audience might think twice about incorporating her into one's genteel nighttime fantasies. But Fergie's hardly the only gal who maybe didn't turn in her best work fronting for Maxim.

Forbes released a list of the 10 most trusted celebrities. Culled together by E-Poll, the rundown "ranked the A-list names Americans rated the highest in for trustworthiness, awareness and appeal." These are stars who have been so consistently respectable that we allow them creative flexibility (Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump.) We feel reassured when we hear them. (James Earl Jones' voice-overs for CNN for example.) There's not an offensive name on the list (maybe Will Smith, what with his Scientology links), but at the same time, there's only a single lady--Sally Field. Which makes us wonder: Why doesn't America trust its leading ladies?

● For a limited time, Lindsay Lohan will donate 100% of the cost of her leggings to Haiti. And yet, still, you should not buy them. [People]
● Photographic evidence of how much Obama likes to kiss the ladies. [Gawker]
● Diddy gave his son a Maybach and other over-the-top gifts from celebrity parents. [The Frisky]
● 12 chillaxing Kangaroos. [Listicles]

Good news, everybody! Noted philanthropist, patron of fine arts and pants-shunner Lindsay Lohan has learned from the mistakes she's made in her life. You may be asking yourself, "Which mistakes in particular is she referring to?" The answer: All of them! Maybe she sipped a palmful of water from the Ganges when she went to India last December for her charity mission and instead of giving her a terminal illness, that water cleansed her. LiLo's born anew, y'all!

What's the deal with this classy, rich, old John Gage fellow who pays high-profile women to attend the Vienna Opera Ball with him each year? His name is Richard Lugner, and he's an eccentric, 77-year-old businessman who, according to our bastions of truth over at Wikipedia, say he once "specialised [sic] in the erection of filling stations." (Well, that sounds about right.) Each year, Lugner invites a Hollywood starlet to accompany him to the Austrian society event. He's invited some of the greats, including Joan Collins, Sophia Loren, Grace Jones, Sarah, Duchess of York, Raquel Welch, Faye Dunaway, Jacqueline Bisset, and Farrah Fawcett. Although, more recently, he's chosen less, er, distinguished guests, such as Pamela Anderson (who brought Kid Rock), Geri Halliwell, Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton, and, come next month, Herbie: Fully Loaded thespian Lindsay Lohan.