● Jeremy Piven says his "moobs" (man boobs) came from soy milk abuse; the actor started out as the “guy that dabbled in soy milk” but it quickly escalated into drinking 12 cups a day -- which contained enough estrogen to give him boobs. [Us]
● Michael Lohan says Lindsay Lohan is a “beautiful girl” but “she looks 100 years old." [E!]
●What men think about, according to Kate Hudson: “Game scores, masturbation, and food." [Us]

● That report of Lindsay Lohan and Gerard Butler getting it on in Morocco was shot down by Lohan, and Butler is threatening legal action against the British papers who printed the story. [GossipCop]
● Where do you go after getting publicly fired from your show? Disneyland! Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and husband Pete Wentz took little Bronx to the happiest place on earth to lift her spirits. [PopSugar]
● Rihanna says of all the media attention she received after the Chris Brown incident: "I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears." [USA]

Well isn't this utterly vile! Our condolences, Jennifer Aniston! Not only has your former flame's flick flat-lined over the weekend, but he's allowed himself to be swooped by the ever-enterprising Lindsay Lohan, who is apparently looking to plant a few tabloid seeds before her big excursion to India. We're not blaming Lohan, who's willing to attach herself to the underbelly of any high-profile Hollywoodster in order to climb back to studios' good graces. That's an epic ascent. How to speed it along? With a little tongue naturally.

Distraught over record label verdicts (yeah flack, I'm not buying this story), Lindsay Lohan, who we basically regard with the kind of emotional distance as we would a dog rescued from a burning trailer, is expanding her dithering empire to include the one thing she overlooked in the past while hang-nailing off SamRon's arm or pissing off various pop icons. That's philanthropy, people!

● In Michael Lohan’s guesstimation, Lindsay Lohan has a week, or a month, or a year to live and needs to be in a long-term rehab, lest she wind up like Heath Ledger, who Michael would like you to know was very close to Lilo. [NYDailyNews]
● Lady Gaga’s ninth tattoo will be a dedication to her father, who lived through open-heart surgery. Fittingly, Gaga plans to get a heart with the word "Dad" inside of it. [ContactMusic]
● Natalie Portman defends her vegetarianism by comparing eating meat to rape. [Celebrity-Gossip]

Maybe it's most telling that Lindsay Lohan's star sign is Cancer. Because given failure after effing failure, there is something malignant about how lately, no matter how hard she tries, everything she touches is terminal. Take for example her part-time charge as couturiere for Ungaro, which ended in ill-placed pasties and bloodshed and her ensuing salary, the kind of payment that a fashion house might pay an intern for her troubles: a heap of tattered rags. And now, with LiLo's label dropping her, it seems her third album, Spirit in the Dark is doomed to stay, well, in the dark.

My first thought upon hearing that OxyContin “Hollywood connect” and former ER med student Sam Jones III had been arrested was: what is Lindsay Lohan going to do? Hot on the heels of her pasty-ful yet soulless Ungaro debut, recall to court over that pesky probation, possible restraining order against Papa Lohan, and spit-swapping with married man and Sienna Miller reject Balthazar Getty, this is just another setback that LiLo so does not need right now. Poor thing has taken to bathing in body glitter and allowing a small animal to gnaw at her fingernails. But don’t fret, I have the solution to everything, even these ugly leggings. It’s called pumpkin liqueur.

● Is Lindsay Lohan picking over Sienna Miller’s sloppy seconds? Lindsay was evidently late to her court appearance last week because she was making out with Balthazar Getty at a club till the wee hours of the morning. [Dose]
● Blue Bloods, the vampire TV vehicle Mary-Kate Olsen was to star in for the CW, was not picked up because it was too similar to Gossip Girl. Er, OK. [Limelife]
● K2 Productions, which directs the Miss California USA pageant, is suing Carrie Prejean to get their breast implants back -- or at least the $5,200 they paid for them. [E!]

● Looking to buy a castle or two? Nicolas Cage is unloading all of his castles, mansions, and even his yacht due to his manager losing all his money. [BostonHerald]
● Did Michael Lohan’s Maury Povich plea to Lilo work? Not so much. Lindsay is now seeking a restraining order against her father, saying that she’s “scared” of him. [People]
● American Idol execs have told Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacreast to tone down the gay innuendos and jokes when new judge Ellen Degeneres is on set. [Celebitchy]

● Lindsay Lohan is reportedly failing her court-mandated alcohol education; the course alerted the court she's violating the terms of class. Maybe they saw those photos of her drinking in Paris? [TMZ]
● Paris Hilton’s line of sparkling wine, served in a classy tin can, has bombed, not winning favor with foodies or, really, anyone. [TheSun]
● Blake Lively has revealed she was banned from Disneyland when she was six after trying to con her way into the magical kingdom. [Showbizspy]