A sick and twisted turn of fate finds me on the Megabus at this very moment en route to Baltimore. It’s worse than your first screenplay on this thing. And like that script, with its trite overlapping character plots and po-mo self-reflexivity, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but couldn’t be further from it. I just dripped chicken salad on my Shift Key and This Is Why Your Fat co-author Jessica Amason is somewhere busy wearing glasses downstairs on the first decker of this sad monstrosity fit only to steward Century 21st shopping bags to Albany. An ardent supporter of women’s rights and safety (not kidding here) the seething rage bubbling from within at this moment is typically reserved for rapists and cowardly, insecure domestic abusers. Which brings me to ACTUAL REAL-LIFE RAPIST OF A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL, Roman Polanski.

The first time I attempted to masturbate in the bathroom at Abe & Arthur’s in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood was a lonesome, hallucinatory experience that I’m unlikely to forget. And that’s even considering my strict daily regimen of whippets and wheat grass, a combination carefully designed to erode my mental faculties at a frightening rapidity. Tucked under dying my hair black and growing a coke nail masturbating at Abe & Arthur’s was the most recent addition to my before-thirty bucket list and it seemed blissfully attainable when I typed it into my iPhone notes while bored on the L train en route to meet the girl amidst the Makers spills and angled handlebars that have come to define a borough. But my assumed simplicity of the task was in the end tragically not the case as I found out mid-attempt one brisk-kiss Thursday evening on my way home from work.

Regis Philbin died. Well, not technically. He’s just getting hip replacement surgery. That’s called exposure therapy 2.0. wherein you are exposed to your worst phear via a blog. And you survived. I mean, Regis will die. Eventually. As will we all. I phor one will die while texting. My last word won’t even be a last word, rather an acronym without any periods. Regis died/announced his phorthcoming surgery today on “Live With Regis & Kelly” which is shooting this week in Las Vegas. Las Regis has been “limping around,” most likely while being phollowed by the grim specter of death. His surgery/phuneral is scheduled for December 1st after the show’s crew returns to New York should a terrible plane accident not befall the men, women and children of their Jet Blue flight. While he didn’t give a phirm date for his return, Philbin said that he’ll be “back next year.” That is, of course, unless he isn’t.

Where am I going to find a house with 1,500 closets for everyone to come out of? Adam Lambert’s performance at the American Music Awards stirred up something saddening in 1,500 unidentified individuals who have called into to ABC complaining of a metallic Sonic the Hedgehog reenacting the only reason to watch 1994s Disclosure. I haven’t watched the video of the performance because I’m a night blogger and it will be fun to see if I can spread this peanut butter out over an entire post without having to resort to YouTube. Plus men aren’t visual learners or something like that I once visually-learned. I read somewhere that he led a dancer around by a leash and made out with a guy on a stage. Who cares? I’m making out with a guy right now. And watching For The Love of RayJay who, without question, is much more of a menace to impressionable youth than Lambert’s love of S&M and ugly jewelry.

Along with your favorite BlackBook editors, anyone who’s Joseph Gordon Leavitt is on the blogging platform Tumblr. And everyone in the social media spherejerk will be talking about the events that transpired tonight for the remainder of the week. So I thought I would prepare you for the onslaught. Straight white person and Social Media jack of all trades Justin Johnson proposed to his girlfriend on the blogging platform this evening to confusion and uproar. (Happiness is a pill hard swallowed by the unhappy.) The issue at play here is that it would have been one thing if the well-edited video proposal was simply included in a post, but the entire site (or "dashboard" in Tumblr parlance) was reconfigured to accommodate his proposal. And as this exercise, forced upon the Tumblr community, will be the basis for a crush of media fodder and commentary about THE WAY WE LIVE NOW, the proposal is inherently tantamount to an advertising stunt.

As a nation huddles amongst their families in their living rooms tonight, heads in their anxious hands, waiting for Walter Winchell or Ryan Seacrest’s twitter to notify us of the condition of recently hospitalized Nicole Richie, we take pause to reflect on the sobering fragility of ... WAIT, WHAT? EGGO SHORTAGE? Yahoo Finance reports that Kellogg announced that it is rationing the Eggo line of goods “due to flooding and equipment problems” at two bakeries. Now you may be thinking how big just are these two bakeries if their overflowing commodes could simply halt production on the rubber stamps Kelloggs shills as waffles. And you would be right. (And adorably indignant.)

BlackBook did it. Yes! We did it! You’re Welcome, America. Our long campaign to bring America’s Sweetheart onto your mom’s favorite microblogging service, Twitter has finally worked. Only two and a half months after mentioning Neil Patrick Harris in this August 29th BlackBook gossip round-up he has finally tweeted his first tweet. OMGICU can have Tracy. We wanted Dr. Horrible and we got him. Our subtle ploy to mention the gossip item that “Neil Patrick Harris has been added to the revolving door of guest judges on American Idol” was clearly a compelling call to action, but we were even surprised at the rapidity with which he responded. He even follows…

This is a technology blog right? I mean, we even talk about the same exact tech news on two separate occasions we’re so set in tech. So it is in the spirit of tech blogs that we welcome Time Inc.’s Techland, a blog that’s not really a blog because it’s owned and operated by Time Inc. It’s brand new and this time of night is all about reporting breaking new. Sadly, before we open our arms and let them into our insular world of KPIs and DPIs we must warn you: they use the word “nerd” ten times in the introductory post. I KNOW. Well, it goes to show you that just like their parent company they are tragically behind the eightball.com in the trends of ubiquitous online parlance. You’re not a nerd. You’re just on the internet. And so am I. So what’s going on with the site?

I JUST came back from the perpetually underwhelming Coffee Shop in Union Square with the girl. It’s far from the Elite Model farm team that it was when I was a handsome 14-year-old LA transplant. Back then I used to cop two dimes for a quarter, nahmean? Chelsea Now reveals in an interview with co-owner Carolyn Benitez today that Coffee Shop is expanding beyond its ugly walls and the worst bathrooms to do drugs in this side of a midtown pub. Owners will be taking over the lease of that silly lil' Chelsea area Empire Diner that I pass everyday en route to better meals. I know what you’re thinking: he reads Gothamist. It’s true. But in my defense, I was checking the weather. But what of Empire and their low-lidded waitstaff?

Before you think this is a sponsored post, advertorial, or integrated promotion just stop thinking that and let me put on some Archie Whitewater as I slide this post inside you. Even if it was one of those things, which its not, what would it matter? You read me because I use a lot of hyphens and talk about black entertainers. Plus, who even knows or cares if they are being advertised to anymore? Today the NFL clamped down on a Diageo campaign for Captain Morgans no one even knew existed. Players were striking the Captain’s pose in the end zone? That thing from the commercials where people enjoy untucking their shirts and playing pool? What a pointless idea. Well, except that I just took the viral bait by talking about it. DAMMIT. WHATEVER. You win this round, advertising. Speaking of advertising, has any other company tried harder to get you to have sex with strangers than Virgin Airlines? Oh, every spirits, fashion, and Carl’s Jr. ad you’ve ever seen? DAMN. Second point to advertising. Anyway they’ve done something new and sparkly that I think is pretty shit cool.