"Inevitable" is the word that keeps coming up in reports of the forthcoming "We Are the World" remake. This year is the song's 25th anniversary and, as we've witnessed, stars love singing for charity. There's no doubt Haiti could use the proceeds from the redone single and music video, scheduled to drop in 10 days, but the endless cast assembled skews a bit toward "why?" and more often toward "who?!" The most popular guests are only as impressive as your familiarity with pop radio, including Jordin Sparks, Usher, Pink, and Miley Cyrus, while the surprising or impressive participants pretty much begin and end with Gladys Knight and Raphael Saadiq. But it is being reported that Lil Wayne will sing the Bob Dylan solo from the original, in what might be the most accurate, if counter-intuitive, 1985 to 2010 conversion imaginable. And it got us thinking: how do today's contributors match up to the first crew, including Lionel Richie, Paul Simon, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and Bruce Springsteen, besides that they're all less famous? We've selected some celebrity doppelgangers, abstractly at least, after the jump.

Hucksterin' for Haiti: Everyone's doing it! Even Miley Cyrus, who, looking like a sexy Jane Fonda last night at the worst thing to happen to pop music since RedOne, has decided to play the part of philanthropist. By allowing one lucky eBayer the chance to also look like a sexy Jane Fonda in her gently-used Grammy dress. Perhaps in these troubled times, it's refreshing to see someone like Cyrus boast such a joie de vivre about trying to give so much of someone else's money to a devastated nation that she, in all fairness, will never visit.

The first thing I want to read on my Apple iPad is the forthcoming memoir Teenage Millionaire by DeAndre Cortez Way a.k.a. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em a.k.a. Soulja Boy, the 19-year-old ringtone phenomenon. The book is coming out on July 28th, according to his Twitter, so that should give me plenty of time to save up for Steve Jobs' life-changing device and the digital copy of the book. In fact, maybe they'll just give away copies with the product because Soulja Boy's second album was called iSouljaBoyTellem, making him an ideal partner for Apple. Speaking of ideal, who better to write a book about being a teenage millionaire than the youngest person to write, perform and produce a number one song -- "Crank That (Soulja Boy)," the one with all the YouTube videos? On the other hand, one time he wrote the lyrics, "Ayyy Soulja Boy chillin' dog/ I just got my report card/ Looked at it, all F's/ Took it to the teacher desk/ (Throw some D's on that bitch)." And, uh, he's just not famous enough.

It's not that bashing celebrities who "lend their efforts" towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It's that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters--natural and man-made--wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn't just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we've already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There's already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There's also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?

Did you know that today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day? Apparently for want of some kind of cultural milestone to call its own, a terrible Indiana-based radio station started, nine years ago, to celebrate the advent of the packaging material on the last Monday of every January. This year marks the 50th anniversary of bubble wrap. And while popping bubble wrap in between your thumb and forefinger remains the most inexpensive form of therapy that exists, let's take time out to explore bubble wrap's primary purpose: To keep things from breaking. After the jump: Five celebrities who could be rolled in bubble wrap for red-eye flights between JFK and LAX to prevent fatigue, exhaustion, and further breakdowns.

• LOL! Despite that crazy Haiti telethon, the Haitian government's called off the search for those who went missing after the earthquake. Well done, everyone! [WaPo]
• Rock band Franz Ferdinand are none too pleased that McDonald's has licensed one of their tunes. Tweets lead singer Alex Kapranos, "Dirty bastards. Stupid arrogant motherf***ing pig-brained arseholes. I'd rather eat a cowpat on a bun than a bloody McDonalds." Who ever said there was a difference? [Consumerist]
• With stories about maybe-gay Robert Pattinson and beard Kristen Stewart circulating furiously, it's fitting that he finally start showing off a literal beard too. If only as an homage to Jon Hamm. [DListed]
• Meanwhile, Joaquin Phoenix is decidedly without beard. And getting lessons on how not to kill himself by Miley Cyrus. [MTV]

● Remember when Starbucks was maybe in trouble? Psych. Don't doubt the Venti. Bougie coffee makers triple profits. [Ad Age]
● Italian journalist sizes up David Beckham’s junk, finds it piccolo. He does have a really high voice. [Buzzfeed]
● How can MTV top Jersey Shore? Massholes! [Slate]

Miley Cyrus has apparently found her True Heart's Desire. Before you ask, it wasn't sealed in Billy Ray's liquor cabinet. Nor was it hidden in the armoire where kid sister Noah keeps her diminishing supply of dignity. Miley Cyrus' True Heart's Desire was locked away Down Under. No, he's not a mummified convict held over from the 18th century heyday of Australia as a British penal colony. Liam Hemsworth was, up until recently, a regular on the hit Oz soap Neighbours. And now, he seems poised to become Miley's Mr. Right. Barf!

● "If you have a problem. And no one else can help. And if you can find them. Maybe you can hire The A-Team." Guess it's pretty hard to hire The A-Team, huh? But not, judging from the just leaked trailer, harder than sitting through The A-Team movie will be! [Buzzfeed]
● The upcoming fourth season of Hanna Montana will be the show's last. Finally set free from Disney's kid friendly clutches, Miley Cryus expected to pose for topless photo any minute now. [NY Post]
● Extremely unflattering mug shot alert! The beautiful ABC reporter who recently got engaged to Obama's budget master looks pretty rough in hers. [NY Daily News]

● Marilyn Manson proposed to 22-year-old actress Evan Rachel Wood on stage in Paris. She accepted and their divorce is scheduled for early summer. [Daily Mirror]
● A cocaine vaccination led test participants to take 10 times as much of the drug in hopes of overcoming the treatment, bankrupting many along the way. Drug cartels remain hopeful about the vaccine's future. [Popular Science]
● Diff'rent Strokes actor Gary Coleman was rushed to the hospital with seizure-like symptoms, though they are being reported as not life-threatening. Maybe it was, um, a small seizure? [TMZ]