Michael "Gilly" Phelps may want to keep to the pool. While nobody questions his swimming talents or his taste in ladies, his choice of fashion is another matter. Guest of a Guest produces this unnerving photo of Phelps spotted last night at Beijing hotspot China Doll sporting a shirt that looked as if he upchucked a banana daiquiri all over his front. His bemedaled look didn't turn out much better, however.

Sure, Michael Phelps' eight gold medals at these Olympic Games are impressive, but there's a greater reward for his inhuman success than eight glorified gold coins (though perhaps you still need help dressing yourself.) When you become a superstar athlete, you earn the right to date models, right, Tom Brady? Now that he's a household name, let whispers of Phelpsian romantic exploits begin. The average looking all-American boy has apparently landed superhot supermodel Lily Donaldson, best known for replacing Kate Moss as the face of Burberry.

Jeff Koopersmith has worked himself into a lather declaring that Ralph Lauren embarrassed America with its Olympic opening ceremony uniforms. They were too crass, too commercial, too elitist. Or, in his own words, "This is typically American: create something combining taste and quality, and then reduce it to rubble it by advertising where you bought it -- and how much you paid." Apparently, the oversized Polo logo was simply unacceptable. "So why did Polo Ralph Lauren go and embarrass us all by not just putting their logo on the clothes but putting in on SO BIG?"

I’m one of the six or so billion people who missed Friday’s opening ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Games, but the more I troll the Internet alleyways, the more inclined I am to YouTube it. Four days later, words like "astonishing," "spectacular," and "unmatched" are still being used to describe the event. But there's a shady underbelly to all the pomp.

Mr. Clarke called it in these very virtual pages -- smog masks distributed by the US Olympic Committee for use by their athletes while in Beijing may have insulted Chinese hospitality, but they're still on tap as next season's hot fashion accessory. The USOC coyly won't reveal who made the masks just yet, no doubt waiting for a licensing deal. Sporty knockoffs abound, though.

For Ralph Lauren, the Beijing Olympics are the biggest fashion show ever. And it's already begun to pay off. According to reports, shoppers are sporting the same wear as the athletes strutting around the Olympic Village. Polo pullovers are big sellers, as well as the classic polo shirts adorned with the Olympic rings, the US team logo and the classic Polo pony. Polo senior veep of communications David Lauren calls the Opening Ceremony the company's "highest-profile moment. It's our ultimate fashion show." The big buzz, however, is on the Polo's Opening Ceremony navy blazers.

The Chinese government polices everything during Beijing Olympic Games, so why not fashion? Chinese officials released a 36-page booklet directed at locals, teaching everything from general grooming to fashion faux pas. Men: Do not pair white socks with black shoes! Women: No leather skirts! Furthermore, men should not wear pajamas in public or go out with a bare chest, and "women with thick ankles" should don "darker stockings to disguise their imperfections."

The Olympic Games usually generate a hot, must-have item (remember the Roots USA berets at the 2002 Winter Olympics?). Looks like next month's Beijing Games may be forced into facemask fashion. The problem: Beijing's air sucks so bad that the International Olympic Committee will cancel or postpone events if the heat and smog reach dangerous levels. "As of mid-July, Britain, Canada and the U.S. were among countries considering air-filtering masks for their athletes to wear off the field," reports Sports Illustrated in its Olympic Preview edition. So, while our athletes are sidelined sucking bad air through Old Glory masks, imagine the commercial potential for spectator masks? Fans breathe too, right? The prime-time exposure on NBC is literal Olympic gold! Imagine fifty thousand KFC logos looking back at you from the stands.

Well excuse me! I thought the only two sneaker brands in town for the Beijing Olympics were Adidas and Nike. Looks like I overlooked little old Reebok. Yes, Reebok, the very thought of which evokes images of frosted-haired aerobics instructors of the 1980s, and of course those sneakers with the Velcro instead of laces. How lazy! Remember that horrible sound of the scratchy Velcro rip? That, my friend, was the sound of sloth. The only other sounds like that back then were produced by rip-stop nylon wallets with the Velcro closures, and of course those great Ocean Pacific surf shorts with the Velcro fly (in both cases, I imagined someone was getting screwed).

Adidas and Nike are facing off in a sneaker contest of Olympic proportions. As reported in the Wall Street Journal, both companies are racing to provide Beijing Olympic athletes with sneakers and shoes designed for their specific sport -- boxing, basketball, fencing, you name it. The prime time international exposure will then lead to a demand for the kicks available in a line geared towards regular folks. Adidas, the official sportswear sponsor of the Games, already has all its Olympic sneakers available online; Nike plans to offer a partial line.