● Lindsay Lohan doesn’t pay for drinks, okay?! After grabbing and downing two bottles of expensive champagne at Crown Bar, Lohan promptly had a hissy fit when the bartender gave her the bill. [People]
● Paris Hilton is mad at Kim Kardashian and her sisters for biting the dubious fame hand that feeds and becoming more famous than her. [P6]
● Don’t mess with Courtney Cox when it comes to a ham and cheese sandwich. Turns out Ms. Cox is quite the terror on the set of Cougar Town, humiliating a crew member for not preparing the sandwich with equal parts ham and cheese. [PopCrunch]

● Robert Pattinson may be the romantic interest in the lives of many tweens and middle-aged women, but the Twilight actor says he “can't think of a single romantic thing” he has ever done. [People]
● Despite showing up to an event with visibly lighter skin, Sammy Sosa is not trying to be like Michael Jackson, he just went through a “rejuvenation process for his skin." [ChicagoTribune]
● Duncan Jones will follow up his breakout film Moon with a thriller entitled Source Code, with Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead. [Screendaily]

● In light of infidelity claims, Fergie says in this month’s Cosmo that husband Josh Duhamel loved the extra weight she put on for her role in Nine. [Us]
● Levi Johnston is steaming mad at Conan O’Brien -- or at least his manager is -- over the William Shatner sketch mocking Johnston and his supposed Twitter account, claiming they will sue if the show doesn’t retract the sketch. [TMZ]
● Busy Phillips called out Chad Michael Murray as a “douche" at the Paley Center event for Dawson's Creek, adding that “she’s not worried about burning bridges with CMM." [zap2it]

● Lindsay Lohan is reportedly failing her court-mandated alcohol education; the course alerted the court she's violating the terms of class. Maybe they saw those photos of her drinking in Paris? [TMZ]
● Paris Hilton’s line of sparkling wine, served in a classy tin can, has bombed, not winning favor with foodies or, really, anyone. [TheSun]
● Blake Lively has revealed she was banned from Disneyland when she was six after trying to con her way into the magical kingdom. [Showbizspy]

● Paris Hilton tries to remain relevant by gushing about former/current BFF Nicole Richie’s new son, calling Sparrow “a perfect addition to the family.” [Us]
● Friends of Jessica Simpson worry the singer (?)/actress (?) is about to go all Sylvia Plath and fall into the bell jar now that her "baby" Daisy was mauled by a coyote. [People]
● Jason Segal and Chloë Sevigny are bumping uglies -- the TV duo were spotted making out at an after-Emmy party, but quickly de-locked their lips once noticed by the masses. [E!]

● Tim Gunn is calling Jon Gosselin’s Ed Hardy style "a whole lotta look," saying that Gosselin is committing "the biggest crime against fashion" by not wearing the correct size clothes. Make it work, Jon! [US]
● A California fertility clinic is providing its clients with sperm donors who closely resemble celebrities, but don’t get too excited. Offerings include David Blaine and Corey Haim look-a-likes. [NYDailyNews]
● Not to be outdone by her sister Kourtney, Kim Kardashian wants an unplanned pregnancy as well, saying that shopping for baby clothes with her sister made her want a baby. [People]

● Russell Crowe has made quite a name for himself in films, and now that name has be banned from many pubs in England where he’s throwing tantrums over the bars' strict closing times that somehow even apply to his Oscar-winning ass. [SMH]
● Despite starring in every cheesetastic blockbuster of the last 15 years, Nicolas Cage owes the IRS $6.2 million. [AccessHollywood]
● Drew Barrymore is telling her friends that she was a dolphin in a past life and has surrounded herself with crystal figurines of the mammal. [FemaleFirst]

● All our prayers have been answered: Gwyneth Paltrow has completed her first GOOP vlog. The lifestyle master schools us in cooking a chicken while keeping your designer top and Kabbalah string pristine. [GOOP]
● New Moon director says Thom Yorke has written a new song specifically for the film, and unless it’s just Yorke "belching," will be featured on the movie’s soundtrack. [Pitchfork]
● Paris Hilton hopes her MTV documentary Paris, Not France will clear up the perception that she’s nothing but a "blond heiress ... airhead" and "slut." [E!]

●Paris Hilton says she thought of BFF Britney Spears as a ‘sister’ but Spears ‘used’ her, only caring about her own music career. [TheInsider]
●Magazine darling Jon Gosselin’s now in bed with the tabloids, or at least eating with one now. He was seen over the weekend dining with Kate Major a senior reporter at Star Magazine. [Radar]
●Lindsay Lohan is being courted by the reality show circuit first it was Ryan Seacrest, now the producers of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here want this hot mess in the jungle. [Mirror]

Recently, none other than pop impresario Beyoncé invited me over to her manse and hosted an invitation-only soft-topics panel [note: did not actually happen], wherein she explained the nuances of being a diva, most specifically noting how "Diva is a female version of a hustler." When I raised my hand and asked, "What do you hustle? Strange-looking sunglasses and freakum dresses?" she cracked her whip and shrieked, "Quiet down, child." Well, then. But through the course of this seemingly endless week, Beyoncé and her ilk did a number of things that divas tend to do.