So I just glanced down at my nonexistent wristwatch and y'all know what time it is? Time to put to bed unsavory rumors that find one of the world's worst pop singers will escort an Oscar nominee down the red carpet. So here you go: Adam Lambert will not be Up in the Air's Anna Kendrick plus-one to the Oscars next month. I know it's cute to think, "LOL! What if a boy who likes other boys goes with a -- gasp! -- lady to a public function where all the town will be a-flutter?" And to be fair, it wouldn't exactly be the first time, because everyone in Hollywood may be gay anyway, their ladies playing the role of well-dressed beard. And with this role priming her to slide up into the A-list, it only seems sensible that Kendrick, to the utter despair of some gay men, should elect one to be her pinkest, glitteriest accessory. After all, it's a piece of well-iced bling that helps one tart stand out from the next at the Oscars.

Is Robert Pattinson actually dying? Literally: no. Technically: sure, since really, who isn't? Figuratively: hell yes! The sparkly vampire is losing his luster, and we need him to get it back, because he helps us get great traffic. So! Evidence and revival techniques after the jump.

Having made stars out of such sexy sirens as Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, and Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell's eyeing another dreamy commodity to add to his SyCo stable of pop horses: Robert Pattinson. Pattinson's already proved that when armed with a guitar, he's like a less-annoying John Mayer. Who knows, maybe a live acoustic cover of "Bleeding Love" which features Pattinson and Lewis (sorry SuBo!) will prove to be the x-factor (see what I did there!) that single-handedly owns the recording industry by out-selling everything else 150 to 1.

• LOL! Despite that crazy Haiti telethon, the Haitian government's called off the search for those who went missing after the earthquake. Well done, everyone! [WaPo]
• Rock band Franz Ferdinand are none too pleased that McDonald's has licensed one of their tunes. Tweets lead singer Alex Kapranos, "Dirty bastards. Stupid arrogant motherf***ing pig-brained arseholes. I'd rather eat a cowpat on a bun than a bloody McDonalds." Who ever said there was a difference? [Consumerist]
• With stories about maybe-gay Robert Pattinson and beard Kristen Stewart circulating furiously, it's fitting that he finally start showing off a literal beard too. If only as an homage to Jon Hamm. [DListed]
• Meanwhile, Joaquin Phoenix is decidedly without beard. And getting lessons on how not to kill himself by Miley Cyrus. [MTV]

Possibly! As much fun as it is to let blind items stew in obscurity so we can titter, giggle, and cry, "Oh my God, no waay!" when our friends offer cockamamie possibilities for all the purported blanks, it's even more fun when you can plausibly fill them in to construct a tender coming-of-age narrative involving Robert Pattinson. From Blind Gossip comes a steamy and harrowing tale of a "Hot Young Actor Betrayed by Roommates."

"Oh no!"; "What a mess!"; "It's like the end of the world all over again!" are all very reasonable responses to learning that the fourth film in the Spider-Man franchise, which was recently scrapped in order to be totally overhauled, may substitute Robert Pattinson for Tobey Maguire and Selena Gomez for Kirsten Dunst. Well, maybe not quite 'reasonable.' As far as superhero franchises go, there have been better and worse choices made.

● In time for the New Year, Angelina has told Brad that she wants to see other people -- oh she still wants to be with Brad, it's just that Angie would like to have sex with other men ... and women as well. [Showbizspy]
● What is a father of six to do with that news? If you’re Brad Pitt, you take your eldest sons (Maddox and Pax) for a raucous round of video games at Dave and Busters in low-key Times Square. [JustJared]
● If things do go south with Angelina, at least Brad has Guy Ritchie, who would like to re-team with Pitt for the forthcoming sequel to Sherlock Holmes. [Popeater]

Sometimes I, as a hapless friar navigating the sinful wilderness of celebrity gossip, come upon a bit of news so repugnant that I find the best way around it is to merely roll it away with a large peach tree branch. So it's with with trepidation that I deal with news of the Russell Brand-boinking Katy Perry rejecting rumors that she recently had a kiss-and-cry with R-Patz. Why would Perry be so quick to distance herself from Pattinson? The last time Perry was remotely useful was when Taylor Swift almost saw her career grind to a halt by a stupid scandal at her birthday party.

● John Mayer brought some Christmas d-bag cheer to the Ellen DeGeneres show, wearing an ironic Christmas sweater and doing an impression of his six-year-old self at Xmas. [JustJared]
● Tara Reid is showing us her dilapidated fun bags in Playboy so we’ll finally stop making fun of them. No such luck. [ET]
● Is Robert Pattinson stepping out on KStew, with co-star Emilie de Ravin? Say it isn’t so! It isn’t so. The duo were seen feigning a romantic date at LACMA for an upcoming shoot for Vogue. [E!]

● Rihanna has some new ink. It reads "never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, but that’s no mistake. RiRi’s current motto is backwards so she can read it herself in the mirror. [Ok]
● Speaking of RiRi, she’s been giving some thought about acting; she’d be up to play an assassin or a lesbian or a lesbian assassin, but only if Megan Fox played her girlfriend. [AngryApe]
● Robert Pattinson may be the tabloids' tween dreamboat, but he’s a bad omen for his costars' love lives. First Kristen Stewart, then Emilie de Ravin; now upcoming leading lady Uma Thurman has split from her boyfriend. [Celebuzz]