Today, Robert Pattinson runs to Dover cliffs, the wind whipping his unruly mane. He looks out across the Strait of Dover, unwraps a tasty chocolate New Moon bar. In between delicate nibbles of this candy morsel, he asks the world, "Why!" As in "Why does New Moon have to suck so much!?" Because despite record projections, the actor is still itching for "serious roles" that "showcase" his "talents" as an "actor." To which end, his native Britain is barren. Even for such an accomplished player like him.

This had to have been the best week, like, ever for the hordes of Robert Pattinson fans out there. His New Moon media blitz is climaxing with the movie's release at midnight tonight, and Pattinson is just everywhere. The Internet should rename itself the Robertpattinsonet. Only blind people and luddites haven't seen him nervously run his fingers through that perfect hair like only he can. So how is Pattinson -- who is famously allergic to his own fame -- coping with all the, um, fame? We've scrutinized, analyzed, judged, and fawned over three of Pattinson's recent talk show appearances -- The Late Show with David Letterman, The Today Show, and Live with Regis and Kelly -- to see how the actor handles himself on camera when he's not working off a mediocre script.

For the uninitiated, New Moon is the second chapter in a heart-stopping series that explores the range and breadth of the human condition. A series that, for all intents and purposes, asks us to be so bold as to carve open our hearts and mindfully pick out emotions encrusted around the ventricles. Such calcified collections of rage and sorrow they are, inhibiting blood flow to the brain, moving us to consequently make poor life choices like this. Yes, New Moon casts a modern-day Marlowe-esque light on The Way We Are. Its protagonists are constantly torn with having to make shady business deals to get their True Heart's Desire. There is Bella, the intrepid, lower lip-biting everygirl, who would throw all the money away if she could just be in Edward's arms forever. Then there is Edward, who would give all the money in the world if he could make trash angels. But twist! There's also Jacob, whose end-game may be the most easily attainable: To strike a deal with the devil to procure a limitless supply Crest white-strips. But sadly, people whose jobs it is to sit down and critique films, but never to actually slap some celluloid together, have decided that New Moon is nothing more a pile of steaming bat poo.

As a nation huddles amongst their families in their living rooms tonight, heads in their anxious hands, waiting for Walter Winchell or Ryan Seacrest’s twitter to notify us of the condition of recently hospitalized Nicole Richie, we take pause to reflect on the sobering fragility of ... WAIT, WHAT? EGGO SHORTAGE? Yahoo Finance reports that Kellogg announced that it is rationing the Eggo line of goods “due to flooding and equipment problems” at two bakeries. Now you may be thinking how big just are these two bakeries if their overflowing commodes could simply halt production on the rubber stamps Kelloggs shills as waffles. And you would be right. (And adorably indignant.)

The first batch of Twilight: New Moon reviews have cut straight to the heart of what makes the series such a phenomenon with teens: It's the new Nirvana! In the early 90s, a lost generation of mopey teens attached their pubescent anxieties onto a gravelly voiced drug addict, rendering him so much larger than life that he eventually burst. The same thing is happening two decades later with the Twilight franchise, except that drug addict is now embodied by a self-conscious alcoholic who is equally uneasy with his fame. Of the six New Moon reviews on the net so far, four of them mention "angst" at least once, a word that perhaps best defines Nirvana's most expressed (and expressive) emotion. Following that same angsty logic, Twilight is also the new Kierkegaard, Kafka, Heidegger, Salinger, and Sartre.

If you have been unfortunate enough to be whacked by the unemployment stick and have been reduced to considering debased ways to make a buck, please cross "Paparazzo" off your list of prospective careers. The Daily Beast reports that photographs of celebrities are selling “for 31 percent less than [they] did in 2007” and that “high-end” photos (think, Brangelina with baby) of six figures or more “are down more than 50 percent.” So, if you’re gonna climb into a tree or chase other human beings around Los Angeles for a photograph, please only expect to make thousands of dollars, not tens to hundreds of thousands of them. Brandy Navarre, the co-owner of photo-agency X-17, says, “We were looking at forms from 2007 and my husband was almost crying. You can’t believe the checks that were coming in, in ‘07 versus now what we’re getting. It’s a different world.” She calls it “The Post-Britney Era.” We call it good.

Hollywood has finally realized there is a direct correlation between the millions of bones that A-listers try to negotiate from studios and rapidly drying revenue streams that said studios can offer. You see, the Jim Carrey-led A Christmas Carol, which is like the 482,094th adaptation of that particular tale, failed to set the box office on fire. That, along with a string of flops from alleged goldmines like Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts, and Adam Sandler is moving the overlords of the Hills to seriously reconsider whether these household names are worthy of their steep asking prices.

Taylor Lautner, who has had a Ken doll fashioned in his likeness recently, has come on the record stating what R-Patz has pretty much written an entire dissertation on: Twihards are effing nuts! Said Lautner to the The Boston Globe: "It's great to know you have all those fans and all that support behind you. It may [frighten you] at first, but it's their way of expressing their passion for you and the series. We're definitely thankful to have them behind us. That's our driving force." And the driving force hasn't disappointed, already setting records for New Moon's release, a week ahead of its release.

● Bromance alert: Robert Pattinson says he was “star-struck” when he met Zac Efron and adds he was “a really cool guy.” [Showbizspy]
● Sting is no fan of top British show The X Factor, calling the Simon Cowell-judged program “t.v. karaoke”; furthermore, none of the kids featured on the show are “going to go anywhere.” [BBC]
● Despite playing a rocker in Jennifer’s Body, Adam Brody’s singing was rejected for the film; turns out he can only act like he is singing. [PA]

356 days have passed since the release of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer's saga about two gay cowboys searching for love in the Appalachian mountains. Entertainment Weekly has released 49 issues since the film hit theaters, during which time we've added at least three new phrases to our collective lexicon: Twi-hards, Robsessed and OME (Oh my, Edward!). Of those 49 issues, nine have been devoted in some capacity to the franchise's stars: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner. The next installment, New Moon, comes out on November 20 and so, of course, EW has published a "wild, uncensored 3-way interview with the film's stars." And by the excerpt on their site, this one is not to be missed!