Retractions make the gossip trade so darn wholesome. Fondly call to mind how Sharon Osbourne tried to tear asunder Susan Boyle's spirit with motives clearly only to other member of her species. Then yesterday, a game-changer! Boyle was bestowed with a crown (and perhaps a Venus Flytrap Playsuit from Agent Provocateur) when she was dubbed "Miss Sexy Beast 2009" by some international committee handpicked to determine such matters and that may or may not have counted Ozzy Osbourne among its principal jurors. Which then spurred a change of heart in Osbourne.

You may recall that the queen of the basilisks recently hissed rather vilely about Susan Boyle. What Sharon Osbourne's motives were for being so unnecessarily cruel to one of the nicest ladies in pop remain a mystery. Then again, snake ladies rarely need a reason for mayhem. Perhaps Shazza's angry because she was called back to collect the skin she shed out by Piccadilly Circus last month. Or because daughter Kelly had recorded another mid-level pop cover. In either case, she was taking her unreasonable furor out on Susie B., who's now having the last laugh. This is largely due to Access Hollywood's own hilarious spin on the idea of democracy, which pitted Boyle and Osbourne against each other for the title of "Sexiest Thang Ev-arr." Obviously Boyle was the winner. Those sultry frocks, along with Pebbles the cat, gave her the competitive edge.

"Old hag!", "Wigged, wailing walrus!", "Shriveled she-beast!", "Miserable old cow!" and "Are you still upset that someone prettier replaced you on X-Factor?" are among a litany of barbs that come promptly to mind when considering the unnecessarily sharp words Sharon Osbourne had to offer in a radio interview recently, on Susan Boyle, pop star for the everyperson. I mean sure, Osbourne could neatly dust her shrill outbursts under a make-believe category of "blunt observations." But if someone were to approach the Osbourne matriarch on the street and say, "Excuse me miss, I'd appreciate it if you could collect your dead skin after shedding it on the pavement. I have nothing against snake ladies, but that discarded snakeskin really is a blight on our quaint street," would that also fly as a "blunt observation"?

If Susan Boyle's upset is to be believed, then maybe the time for Simon Cowell to pursue other endeavors that don't involve tearing down the dignity of doe-eyed hopefuls on national television couldn't be more perfect. The breath of fresh air American Idol has been chasing for a few seasons now may finally arrive with the departure of Cowell's acerbic asides. So instead of mourning Simon the Great as he goes back to the UK to lord over Britain's Got Talent and X-Factor, let's do what we Americans do best when one of our cultural fixtures defects: Replace him! But with whom?

He is the Godfather of metal. She has quite the thing for dogs. And together, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, along with two of their children, Jack and Kelly, turned their daily rants and routines into an Emmy-winning reality TV cash cow. This month, with the debut of their variety show, The Osbournes: Loud and Dangerous, it looks like America should prepare itself for a return to f*#%ing Oz.

Biggest misconception about your family.
OZZY OSBOURNE: That we’re all insane.

● First lady Carla Bruni is suing mad at clothes company Pardon, who are releasing a bag where the singer and French First Lady appears nude. [British Vogue]
● The artwork for Grace Jones' latest album, Hurricane, features life-size versions of the singer made of chocolate. [CR]
● The American Film Institute has released their picks of the best movies and TV shows of the year. Topping the list are The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Breaking Bad. [AFI]