It's not that bashing celebrities who "lend their efforts" towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It's that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters--natural and man-made--wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn't just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we've already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There's already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There's also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?

Before Ke$ha becomes too smug about her sales victories in the U.S., she'd probably do well to ask herself the question that all trendy pop stars are asking themselves lately: Am I doing anything for Haiti? Because SuBo sure is. In fact she's doing it with Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Miley Cyrus, James Blunt, Mika and almost anyone else who may have notched a Top 13 single in the UK in the last eight months. The entire thing is even being overseen by Simon Cowell. And after a many-week reign as Billboard queen, SuBo is ready to move onto greener pastures. And what's Ke$ha doing? Oh, right!

This past weekend, a friend tried to convince me that Susan Boyle's I Dreamed a Dream was a good record. It was at this moment that I turned up the radio so the latest Beyogaga jam could drown out the rest of his argument. But that's not to say that Scotland's pop ambassadress deserved to get shut out of the Brits. (If you look at our own comparable year-end summary of pop music, a ceremony that stands out in its drive to reward mediocrity above ingenuity, she's really not that bad). So why then, in a year when women rule the Brit Awards, did SuBo earn no nominations?

At the end of last year, a new voice emerged to half-rap its way to the first #1 single of the new decade: that voice belonged to Ke$ha. Having first appeared on Flo-Rida's Dead or Alive-sampling "Right Round" last year, the 22-year old Ke$ha's rise has since been meteoric. Today, she will officially topple Susan Boyle, taking her debut album Animal to the top of the Billboard 200. But for all the fuss that's been made about the girl who brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack, how well does Ke$ha hold up as the first post-Gaga pop sensation? Is her record Bacchanalian pop genius or overproduced floss? Can you safely ignore her, or is she here to stay? BlackBook Features Editor Willa Paskin and Blogger Rohin Guha, with an assist from Assistant Editor Foster Kamer, debate these heady questions.

While Susan Boyle continues to lord over the Billboard 200 with a regal contempt not seen among Scottish matriarchs since the rise of Mary, Queen of Scots, we look forward to next week. Because that's when Boyle may be forcibly removed from her throne. Such an event will find Boyle unable to applaud furiously while giggling at the antics of Pebbles the cat, as chart subordinates like Mary J. Blige, Lady Gaga, Alicia Keys, and Taylor Swift glare up enviously. So the thing that may be responsible for dethroning Susan, Queen of Idol Rejects? Ke$ha!

Talk about burying the lede. This story of garden gnomes terrorizing Susan Boyle over the last week goes on for paragraphs. It's basically about how Boyle noted some intruders traipsing among her Rhododendrons and dialed her brother to come rescue her. Gerry valiantly saved the day by chasing the gnomes away by waving one of these. The article also raises some questions about whether SuBo is really fit to live in a bungalow by herself that's not protected by barbed wire and a ring of fire. Then finally, somewhere near the bottom, the report cuts to the chase and gets to the staying power of I Dreamed A Dream, which has emerged as this year's best-selling record.

2009 is the first time that YouTube has issued a list singling out the most-watched videos of the year. Needless to say, that clip of Susan Boyle initially wowing over Simon Cowell on Britain's Got Talent towers over all other videos by a few zillion pageviews. We're all very moved by Boyle and enduring hype, but there's another video, currently cursed with far fewer pageviews, that deserves to be the year's most watched.

Susan Boyle, on days like this, I do hope that you know what it's like to be breathing in clouds of carcinogens while battling jet lag and devastating bouts of diarrhea and food poisoning. Which is what Lindsay Lohan will be coping with in India, what with all her selfless charity work. When is the last time you did anything not for yourself? Clearly not now, what with this silly newsbreak about how you were bullied in school.

The meteoric rise of English singing sensation Susan Boyle is one for the books. Her album, I Dreamed a Dream, became the fastest-selling debut in UK chart history and sold some 701,000 copies during its first-week sales in the US. Eager to bedeck themselves with Susan-alia, fans have been clamoring for branded merchandise that, for some reason, her management never thought to produce. There simply aren’t any “official” products, which has resulted in a brisk trade of unauthorized gear. How much are they making? In The Sunday Times, British music impresario Jonathan Shalit estimated the market for Boyle-themed merchandising is worth about £5 million a year.

When 2010 starts up in roughly 24 days, the worst thing you could do for yourself is buy into a series of silly publicity spins that are trying their damnedest to make us believe that a 0.2% drop in unemployment is a staggering breakthrough. One that finally means that silver linings and torrents of gold coins are imminent. More likely is that we'll continue binge-drinking and authoring trend pieces about how during a recession, kidnapping can be a growth industry. But dammit if the White House, so entranced with its messianic role in the lives of battered Americans, won't stand for hysterical weeping. Enter Susan Boyle. And the Obamas. And what we might be some of the most effective cultural Zoloft ever concocted since the emergence of Beyogaga.