So you're a leathery husk of a once-fearless band (The Rolling Stones) looking to recapture some long-lost mojo. What to do!? You pin your hopes on a viral internet sensation who became one of the year's most unlikely and enduring pop stars (Susan Boyle) and let her continue doing the legwork for one of your most overplayed singles. Naturally! And it's here that her predictably stirring rendition of "Wild Horses" has breathed life into the withered rock outfit. In fact, Boyle's runaway success is the impetus behind the Stones' new reissue of the single, which include remastered versions of the tune as well as a live recording of the tune from 1995's Stripped. Meanwhile SuBo's worldwide chart conquest is well underway, with many tipping I Dreamed A Dream to go platinum before Christmas. After the break is her performance of "Wild Horses" at last night's X-Factor show which also saw the exit of her favorite contenders Jedward.

A wretchedly campy thing trending overseas is Jedward. As Americans, we tend to be suspicious of kitschy gimmicks burgeoning abroad. Maybe too many of us still feel burned by past instances of British kistch. Beats me! It's an instinct that the latest act to spiral into international prominence through X-Factor--Britain's answer to American Idol--will pummel through, eventually garnering anywhere between one and three top ten hits here in a quiet time when Beyoncé and Gaga are both enjoying much-needed sabbaticals. If only because X-Factor alum Leona Lewis has fared so well on both sides of the Atlantic. According to Wikipedia, "are an Irish music act. Known for their distinctive blonde hairstyles and unique performances." A unique performance that doesn't necessarily stir SiCo's loins like Leona could. Comprised of people named John and Edward and totally unrelated to our 2004 Democratic VP candidiate, they've won praise from Jay-Z mentee Cheryl Cole and are finding fast fans in Susan Boyle and The Jonas Brothers. They're already tipped to win the talent show.

Retractions make the gossip trade so darn wholesome. Fondly call to mind how Sharon Osbourne tried to tear asunder Susan Boyle's spirit with motives clearly only to other member of her species. Then yesterday, a game-changer! Boyle was bestowed with a crown (and perhaps a Venus Flytrap Playsuit from Agent Provocateur) when she was dubbed "Miss Sexy Beast 2009" by some international committee handpicked to determine such matters and that may or may not have counted Ozzy Osbourne among its principal jurors. Which then spurred a change of heart in Osbourne.

You may recall that the queen of the basilisks recently hissed rather vilely about Susan Boyle. What Sharon Osbourne's motives were for being so unnecessarily cruel to one of the nicest ladies in pop remain a mystery. Then again, snake ladies rarely need a reason for mayhem. Perhaps Shazza's angry because she was called back to collect the skin she shed out by Piccadilly Circus last month. Or because daughter Kelly had recorded another mid-level pop cover. In either case, she was taking her unreasonable furor out on Susie B., who's now having the last laugh. This is largely due to Access Hollywood's own hilarious spin on the idea of democracy, which pitted Boyle and Osbourne against each other for the title of "Sexiest Thang Ev-arr." Obviously Boyle was the winner. Those sultry frocks, along with Pebbles the cat, gave her the competitive edge.

"Old hag!", "Wigged, wailing walrus!", "Shriveled she-beast!", "Miserable old cow!" and "Are you still upset that someone prettier replaced you on X-Factor?" are among a litany of barbs that come promptly to mind when considering the unnecessarily sharp words Sharon Osbourne had to offer in a radio interview recently, on Susan Boyle, pop star for the everyperson. I mean sure, Osbourne could neatly dust her shrill outbursts under a make-believe category of "blunt observations." But if someone were to approach the Osbourne matriarch on the street and say, "Excuse me miss, I'd appreciate it if you could collect your dead skin after shedding it on the pavement. I have nothing against snake ladies, but that discarded snakeskin really is a blight on our quaint street," would that also fly as a "blunt observation"?

World-famous love-hemorrhager Leona Lewis apparently has a new single out. Ironically, the single is called "Happy." And despite evoking the exact opposite feeling among people with ears, it still sounds like it would've made for an excellent Whitney Houston comeback single. Although it doesn't lend itself as freely to audience participation. The song itself is a nice, two-and-a-half out of five stars kind of pop affair. And she'll probably at least get Top 5 for a week or two Stateside before starting a sharp descent. So then, what exactly does the pop star have to worry about in terms of an impending sophomore slump?

Remember Susan Boyle? She was the penniless Scottish shut-in who went onto become the Queen of Hope and then started losing her mind, as divas are wont to do. So we were all "TTFN SuBo!" and then made hawk-eyes on a parade of dull uncelebrities that must've been part of Middle America's vast conspiracy to bring the gotcha media to its knees. But now that one of our other divas -- Whitney Houston -- really isn't holding up so well, Americans, for all their flaky indiscretions, have defected back to SuBo. So loyally it seems, that well over two months before the official release of what's to be the year's most predictable record, they've pushed her debut to #1, ahead of Houston's I Look to You.

Because sex sells! And you'll recall Ugly Betty may need something just short of a Zachary Quinto bukkake outtake to roll out from under the axe of cancellation when it returns this fall. But more importantly, who wants to actually see Betty going nose-to-nose with a real-life Ugly Betty like Susan Boyle? Anyone? Anyone? No? Not even you guys, studio bigwigs? Hm. Well then. What about a prince of modern gay erotica who forked over $18,000 to appear on the flagging soap?

Leave it to Beth Ditto to don a pair of angel wings and nudge Susan Boyle from her stress sleep. And then as Boyle stirs awake, calling out for her cat Pebbles, Ditto tells her, "No sweetie, we're not in Blackburn anymore." Then she gingerly takes the bonny woman's hand and assists her back out to the world to face the blinding light of paparazzi flashguns and obsessive speculations of bloggers. At least this is what The Gossip frontwoman is hoping to do for the exhausted Britain's Got Talent runner-up by way of recruiting her to form a gospel supergroup.

Well, there you go world! You made this mess! Just like that jerk Nick Carraway in The Great Gatsby, you stood by idly and watched madness tear the world asunder. Go, sign your name on this Jackson Pollock-esque monstrosity. Apparently, after placing second in Britain's Got Talent, our newest avatar for bold, feminist derring-do collapsed under exhaustion. Then she was rushed to the hospital. And you know whose fault it is? Mostly Simon Cowell's. But also yours. Maybe mine too. In case you were wondering, yes, SuBo succumbing to exhaustion is almost as sacrilegious as flag-burnings or any Brett Rattner-assisted abortions of superhero epics. Because she was supposed to be what fixed the free world. Fail!