• Sadness! Tina Fey will not be joining 30 Rock co-star Alec Baldwin and guest star Steve Martin as a third Oscar host. [E!]
• Lady Gaga and the rest of the world would appreciate it if you could refrain from cracking anymore of those silly hermaphrodite jokes. [Digital Spy]
• Dexter's Michael C. Hall says his SAG win has boosted his spirits. All together now: "Aww!" [People]

Whether you watched last night's Emmys on a dusty television set or on a shady internet stream prone to buffering and choppy playback (21st century chic, wave of the future, etc.), you probably noticed that TV's landmark three hour salute to TV seemed perkier than years past. And while a number of harsh elements threatened to barrel us to boredom -- like the dual monotone of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Patricia Arquette ("LOL! We both play mediums!" cried JLoHew as we eyed that Ambien hungrily) and Jeff Probst's acceptance speech (seriously -- over Padma Lakshmi?), the night was easily redeemed by over a dozen people. And one of them didn't even need to actually be present for her act of valiance.

● Karma is a bitch and will evict your ass, which may be why Isaiah Washington is about to be kicked out of his Venice home for more than $100K in back rent. [USAToday]
● Could Kristen Stewart be such a method actress that she’s confusing her character’s love for Edward as her feelings for Robert Pattinson? [OKMag]
● Move over Angelina -- Jen Aniston has found a new person to smolder over. Aniston is worried that Tina Fey is going to steal her thunder at the Emmys, as Fey’s Sarah Palin spoof trumps Aniston’s stint on 30 Rock. [Radar]

Every year, Hollywood's TV elite have a circle jerk and many of us sit down to watch the reach-around because we're perverts or sad, bored, lonely people. The glitterati congratulate themselves on what a great job they all did and how they've revolutionized American culture for generations to come even though no one (apart from me, I suppose) watched The Comeback. And every year, civilians and TV connoisseurs alike are baffled by how increasingly inaccessible the winners are. If nobody's watching Breaking Bad, does that mean it's any good? (Well, it is, but that's not the point.) And also, if no one continues watching it after it wins the gold, then really, what use are the Emmys? Well none, which is why if this year's a bust, it may be marginalized to cable next year. With this year's crop of nominees (and slightly bloated short-lists), we could pick a few bones. For example, Entourage again? Two and a Half Men up for any kind of acting award? Why, Universe! Why must you reward crap? But enough despair. A run-down of what the TV gods got right follows.

I recently received my first bit of employment spam. A senior recruiter confided in me that I was a shoo-in to be a classy receptionista at some firm somewhere, but in the meanwhile, I'd be a fool not to pay the $49.95 to take a few tutorials cobbled together by her apparently much-lauded recruitment company. Since that's enough money to keep me well-stocked in pita bread, Old English, and frozen vegetables for a month, I deleted the missive. Then I got another e-mail weeks later (around the time I needed to do another grocery run, coincidentally) informing me the position had already been filled and that I'd be a fool not to try the many employment opportunities at the United States Postal Service, but that I'd have to prepare myself for a 400-question exam first. Delete. But then I saw Britney Spears was hiring.

Unless you were Slumdog Millionaire, 30 Rock, a little-seen HBO flick about our second President, and Kate Winslet, your wins at last night's Golden Globes were at best negligible to nonexistent. But judging by the place settings at the round tables, at least everyone got great eats -- and contrary to popular belief, great swag! But as with all of these black-tie, gold-statue affairs, the night was definitely not without its non-winners too. So let's take some time out of our dreary Monday to point and jeer at them, because the losers were just too obvious.

Finally, a man Liz Lemon can be proud to call her own. No more closet sexual predators, or jerks who just pick up and move to Cleveland. Later, in this fourth and predictably great season of 30 Rock, Liz will start dating a doctor who lives in her building, and he has the wonderful fortune of looking just like that guy Don Draper from Mad Men. Jon Hamm, who also luckily looks like Don, told USA Today, "I just finished a couple of episodes, and I'll go back in the new year and do another one of those, and then we'll see what happens." What will happen is Liz will dump you for a preposterous reason (she hates happiness), and you'll travel back about 50 years to your cushy job on Madison Avenue selling cigarettes to Americans and pretending to be someone you're not (spoiler alert).

● Tina Fey is America's Sweetheart, at least according to Vanity Fair. How do you get to be America's Sweetheart? Gain a bunch of weight in the writer's room, then lose it all and become the most attractive lady at 30 Rock. [Vanity Fair]
● Brooklyn retailer Bird will open up a pop-up store in their new (still under construction) boutique starting December 5. The store proper won't be open till early 2009, but owner Jennifer Mankins wanted to "showcase [her] favorite designers and artists during the holiday season." [Fashion Week Daily]
● Who's Brad Pitt's BFF? Film director David Fincher. It's a give and take relationship; Fincher gives Pitt a sense of creativity, while Pitt gives Fincher the clout to make dreary masterpieces that never break even. [USA Today]

Now that it's all over (for now), Sarah Palin goes back to Alaska (or will she?), and Tina Fey goes back to 30 Rock. That's right -- Fey is retiring her already legendary Palin impersonation and relinquishing the duties to Kristen Wiig, should Saturday Night Live have the odd need to scratch a Palin itch. In sympathy, I'm also retiring my Palin obsession.

Jonesing for a fix of Tina Fey that extends far beyond her part-time gig as a Sarah Palin doppelganger? You're in luck. Although the blowhards at NBC have confusingly scheduled the premiere of 30 Rock for the end of this month (weeks after Fey's surge in popularity crested), they've seen fit to exhibit a little wisdom in making the third season premiere (which also includes a guest-starring turn by the incomparable Megan Mulally) available a week early. See it here. Those committed to waiting until next Thursday can instead revel in the show's 30 greatest moments as recapped by Paste.