Today, Robert Pattinson runs to Dover cliffs, the wind whipping his unruly mane. He looks out across the Strait of Dover, unwraps a tasty chocolate New Moon bar. In between delicate nibbles of this candy morsel, he asks the world, "Why!" As in "Why does New Moon have to suck so much!?" Because despite record projections, the actor is still itching for "serious roles" that "showcase" his "talents" as an "actor." To which end, his native Britain is barren. Even for such an accomplished player like him.

It seems like just yesterday Washington State was getting all caught up in the Twilight/New Moon mania and spinning off tours and downloadable PDFs for all Twihards who felt like coming to visit Port Angeles, Forks, and the spooky area of La Push. Now they're offering actual trip giveaways to the Twilight promised land. New Moon officially comes out today, and Washington is going to ride the vampire wave as long as they can, or at least until April, when they'll stop giving away free trips.

I already knew Miley Cyrus and I had a lot in common: a love of hot pants, pole dancing. But not until her recent oh-no-she-didn’t interview with Ohio radio station Q92 did I realize we were sisters from another mister. Smiley hates Twilight, too! Our reasoning is a tad divergent. Cyrus says she doesn’t “believe in [Twilight]. I don’t like vampires ... I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts, any of it.” Perhaps church-girl Miley is aware God hates fangs, but, really, jealous, much? I, on the other hand, am fine with vampires. Bill Compton can suck my blood any time. If True Blood’s Bon Temps, Louisiana, actually existed, I would be at Fangtasia like every night. Yet even the hair gel-loving vamps on the CW’s Vampire Diaries are about forty shades darker and more complex than Twi’s limp fish Edward Cullen. Who we know is a ruthless bloodsucker because his skin glitters in the sun. Come on. Inside me is still an awesome 13-year-old girl, and she is insulted.

This had to have been the best week, like, ever for the hordes of Robert Pattinson fans out there. His New Moon media blitz is climaxing with the movie's release at midnight tonight, and Pattinson is just everywhere. The Internet should rename itself the Robertpattinsonet. Only blind people and luddites haven't seen him nervously run his fingers through that perfect hair like only he can. So how is Pattinson -- who is famously allergic to his own fame -- coping with all the, um, fame? We've scrutinized, analyzed, judged, and fawned over three of Pattinson's recent talk show appearances -- The Late Show with David Letterman, The Today Show, and Live with Regis and Kelly -- to see how the actor handles himself on camera when he's not working off a mediocre script.

For the uninitiated, New Moon is the second chapter in a heart-stopping series that explores the range and breadth of the human condition. A series that, for all intents and purposes, asks us to be so bold as to carve open our hearts and mindfully pick out emotions encrusted around the ventricles. Such calcified collections of rage and sorrow they are, inhibiting blood flow to the brain, moving us to consequently make poor life choices like this. Yes, New Moon casts a modern-day Marlowe-esque light on The Way We Are. Its protagonists are constantly torn with having to make shady business deals to get their True Heart's Desire. There is Bella, the intrepid, lower lip-biting everygirl, who would throw all the money away if she could just be in Edward's arms forever. Then there is Edward, who would give all the money in the world if he could make trash angels. But twist! There's also Jacob, whose end-game may be the most easily attainable: To strike a deal with the devil to procure a limitless supply Crest white-strips. But sadly, people whose jobs it is to sit down and critique films, but never to actually slap some celluloid together, have decided that New Moon is nothing more a pile of steaming bat poo.

As a nation huddles amongst their families in their living rooms tonight, heads in their anxious hands, waiting for Walter Winchell or Ryan Seacrest’s twitter to notify us of the condition of recently hospitalized Nicole Richie, we take pause to reflect on the sobering fragility of ... WAIT, WHAT? EGGO SHORTAGE? Yahoo Finance reports that Kellogg announced that it is rationing the Eggo line of goods “due to flooding and equipment problems” at two bakeries. Now you may be thinking how big just are these two bakeries if their overflowing commodes could simply halt production on the rubber stamps Kelloggs shills as waffles. And you would be right. (And adorably indignant.)

The first batch of Twilight: New Moon reviews have cut straight to the heart of what makes the series such a phenomenon with teens: It's the new Nirvana! In the early 90s, a lost generation of mopey teens attached their pubescent anxieties onto a gravelly voiced drug addict, rendering him so much larger than life that he eventually burst. The same thing is happening two decades later with the Twilight franchise, except that drug addict is now embodied by a self-conscious alcoholic who is equally uneasy with his fame. Of the six New Moon reviews on the net so far, four of them mention "angst" at least once, a word that perhaps best defines Nirvana's most expressed (and expressive) emotion. Following that same angsty logic, Twilight is also the new Kierkegaard, Kafka, Heidegger, Salinger, and Sartre.

● Courtney Love talks about the time Sharon Stone screamed at her in front of Anna Wintour. Oh, memories. [NYMag]
● Miley Cyrus hasn’t seen Twilight -- and doesn’t plan to. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires ... I don’t want anything to do with it.”[EW]
● Twihards, brace yourselves: Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart will lock lips in their next film, The Runaways; according to Fanning, it’s a very passionate kiss. [AccessHollywood]

Previously: Rachelle Lefevre was unceremoniously replaced by Ron Howard's daughter in the Twilight saga. This, in turn, left her conflicted when it came to the matter of attending the New Moon premiere. The second film in the set, New Moon is the last film wherein Lefevre plays the part of Victoria, Edward Cullen's archnemesis. The next installment, Eclipse, sees the role assayed by Bryce Dallas Howard. Which explains, then, Lefevre's decision to snub the premiere of New Moon altogether.

Squealing tweens, teens, and moms are packing the theaters this week for the premiere of the second installation of the Twilight series, New Moon. And just like that, a cottage industry has sprung up around all things Twilight. Nordstrom has even gotten in on the hubbub with Edward, Jacob, and Bella bangles, and Team Edward/Team Jacob tees. The biggest winner of all the Twilight hysteria, however, is the sleepy state of Washington, as it is where all the action takes place in the books. The tourism board has fully drunk the Cullen Kool-Aid and has launched a section on the official site of Washington State dedicated to enticing Twilight-inspired visitors.