As a rule of thumb, the words "promising" and "Ashlee Simpson" should never be situated within close proximity to one another. Unless it's to form a sentence like "Ashlee Simpson is promising to leave showbiz and entering a convent." That said, getting ejected off-screen could possibly be the lift that Simpson's career requires. Especially if it means she'll be tap dancing back to Murderess Row to reprise her role as Roxie Hart on Broadway's Chicago. In fact, for a popstrel who has branded herself with tepid tunes and an unimpressive bit parts on-screen, the relative ease with which Simpson shines as the firecracker is surprising. Somewhere within her is a performer who could always easily transcend poor showmanship. But she was weighed down with substandard material. Sounds like another former pop star-turned-primo performer we all know and hold dear to our hearts.

What a whirlwhind day for rock heroes! Both past and present. The terrifying trichotillomania-inducing bad news first! Steven Tyler, in a diva-ish homage to Geri Halliwell's abrupt exit from the Spice Girls in 1998, stunned his bandmates with news/lack of further explanation of his own departure. Guitarist Joe Perry says that he knows nothing further, while bassist Tom Hamilton glibly offers how Tyler is always angry at the band. And if the parallel plotting of the Halliwell-Tyler trajectory is true, then just about now, Tyler gearing up to spread (testicular?) cancer awareness on various little-seen chat shows. Reasonable people, however, would've been right in assuming that the band split way back when, shortly either after this single or this one. But enough dwelling on the past!

Although we're still a half-day away from Taylor Swift's two-pronged Saturday Night Live assault of blandness, it wouldn't be entirely premature to assume that tonight's episode, so darn full of Swift as it is, to bring out the narcoleptic in all of us. And if the evening turns out one of those decidedly Kristen Wiig-lite episodes, we may just lapse into a coma. Which could be avoided by switching over to Fox. Once home to MADtv and occasionally, reruns of V.I.P., the scattershot network is filling its Saturday late night slot with The Wanda Sykes Show. If this variety show is even remotely as sharp as Sykes' stand-up, channel changers lingering on SNL for an elusive chuckle may find themselves with a high-spirited new option.

Like the cleaning of a house, Rihanna's press circus never ends! Although last night, her 20/20 segment finally wrapped up. The rest of the world sighed a humongous cloud of relief because this sit-down with Diane Sawyer looked promising. It was a humble, pitch-perfect way to close that part of the pop star's life before she fully immerses herself into her Rated R campaign. Face-to-face with Sawyer, Rihanna showed that she has it in her to make peace with this altercation. And despite being well-timed, in case this tabula rasa misfires, here's a considerably more palatable alternative! Regardless, in her provocative interview, Rihanna kept an admirably cool, level head. She wasn't on a mission to point fingers, assign blame, or ravage the last flecks of meat dangling from the corpse of Chris Brown's career. She simply sussed out the events of that fateful February night, picked apart the psychology leading up to those events, and shined light onto a history of domestic violence in her family.

I didn't go to the Yankees parade today, because as much of a fan as I am, the kind that go to parades are the kind of sports fans I try to avoid in general: people who can get out of work on a Friday and be shitfaced before I even wake up. Well, these were the people who got to watch Yankee mascot Jay-Z perform "Empire State of Mind" for Mayor Bloomberg, the World Series-winning Yankees, and the thousands of drunk people who descended on downtown New York, from the Battery to City Hall, to scream at their favorite team, centaurs and all. Video after the jump. The image of Jay-Z rapping in front of City Hall? Priceless.

Who purchases a ticket to see Britney Spears in tour and actually expects her to sing live these days? She's not Miranda Cosgrove, so let's not hold her to unrealistic expectations. Although some assy member of the Australian parliament has. And what a shocker it is, where said member tears Brit-Brit a new one for not bothering to use the god-given gift of singing when she performs in concert. She insists that concert-goers should be made aware at point of purchase, that the concert probably will not be live. Err, people who know Britney know that they're not going into hear Maria Callas or even a slightly post-crack Whitney. Spears hasn't released a tune in over five years that hasn't been autotuned and vocodered within an inch of its life.

Jeter, A-Rod, CC Sabathia, and (hip hip) Jorge Posada celebrated at 1Oak last night. Here's video of Jeter and Sabathia poppin' bottles. You can too, if you win the World Series. So now you know who parties at 1Oak. The Yankees. That's me to the very left, making out with Kate Hudson. Kidding, A-Rod! She can have the Centaur. I spent last night blacking out at the Cherry Tavern. A home run for everybody. L'chayim! More video after the jump.

James Gandolfini was out trick-or-treating with his kids at boutique shops when a Guest of a Guest photographer -- who has since remained anonymous -- was videoing him doing so. Gandolfini rushed over and gave the photographer a piece of his mind! God, you guys, blogging is so dangerous, amirite? Video after the jump.

No Doubt did the same stupid thing Nirvana's people did when they signed up their songs and likeness to be in the latest installment of Guitar Hero (Band Hero). Naturally, players are allowed to take the avatars of Gwen Stefani and Co. and make them sing songs they probably never want to sing, ever. Like "Everything Zen." Naturally, the band or the band's people were too stupid to realize this, and now, they're suing the stupid people behind Band Hero. How pissed are they? Pissed! After all, the makers of Band Hero are now responsible for breaking No Doubt up.

"Old hag!", "Wigged, wailing walrus!", "Shriveled she-beast!", "Miserable old cow!" and "Are you still upset that someone prettier replaced you on X-Factor?" are among a litany of barbs that come promptly to mind when considering the unnecessarily sharp words Sharon Osbourne had to offer in a radio interview recently, on Susan Boyle, pop star for the everyperson. I mean sure, Osbourne could neatly dust her shrill outbursts under a make-believe category of "blunt observations." But if someone were to approach the Osbourne matriarch on the street and say, "Excuse me miss, I'd appreciate it if you could collect your dead skin after shedding it on the pavement. I have nothing against snake ladies, but that discarded snakeskin really is a blight on our quaint street," would that also fly as a "blunt observation"?