Soon we’ll be launching a travel column entitled The Upgrade. It will have a fancy logo and everything. But in the meantime, we’ll periodically be suggesting you go places and do stuff in a more freeform way. Today, we suggest you grow a beard and head to Pennsylvania.
If you’ve ever seen the Harrison Ford vehicle Witness, you will, no doubt, be very interested in the life of the Amish. I know I was. Also, it made me very attraced to Kelly McGillis in an apron and hair-covering and to Amish women in general. This, of course, later in life, led to a thing for Hasidic women, though it goes without saying that none of these desires have ever been or will ever be gratified. Also, I grew up in a suburb of Philadelphia and frequently had the most amazing pretzels at Philadelphia’s Reading Terminal Market, courtesy of the Amish.
So it was with great joy that we opened an email this morning whose subject line read, "Amish Immersion Tours Offered." The offer, which comes courtesy Inn at Honey Run, a bed and breakfast hitherto unknown located in Ohio (Ohio!). I thought it would include an extensive stay at least enough time to grow an Amish Beard, a complementary black hat, and indoctrination into the Divine Ya Ya Amishood. As it turns out, it’s mostly a gussied-up horse-and-buggy ride with a lecture by an Amish farmer. But whatever. My favorite part of the email is this:
In addition to offering unprecedented photo opportunities, guests will discover details on Amish culture and beliefs and can find out answers to any questions they may have about this unique way of life. Some commonly asked questions include:
· Why don’t the Amish like having their picture taken?
I would also advise potential visitors that though the Amish are peaceful, don’t fuck with them. Two arguments for not fucking with the Amish:
1.) Remember the Amish Beard Cutting attacks? Those happened right around the corner from the Inn.
2.) Did you ever see the 2002 doc The Devil’s Playground, about Rummspringa, that period where Amish youths go off the reservation? Those kids party so hard in ways that are so extreme you really get a sense of the wellspring of intensity lurking beyond the calm exterior.
But, the Inn looks really nice so yeah, you should go immerse yourself in Amishness. Just don’t be surprised if you get a pitchfork to the face if you try to Instagram it.