Are you tired of hokey recession specials that never end up scratching your gnawing, thirsty itch? We are rapidly becoming a city of broke drunks, thus it is vital we learn how to be the best broke drunks we can be. If you have no job, no prospects, and only a few bucks, but still maintain flawless taste, then check out the top ways to get your drink on without further damaging the already broken bank.

● Calle Ocho (Upper West Side) - Go to this spacious, attractive UWS Nuevo Latino on Sundays and order an appetizer. The policy is you must eat some sort of food in order to partake in the monster “sangria station,” which is totally and completely F-R-E-E! That is correct, kiddies. A bevy of fruits, wines, rums, and all sorts of tasty drinkable treats line the dining room buffet-style, where you can ladle yourself to inebriation for hours.
● Welcome to the Johnsons (Lower East Side) - I like my bars how I like my men: grungy and cheap. This place is suitable for getting sloshed before going to the neighboring, pricier hotspots such as the Hotel on Rivington, 205, or Stanton Social.

New York City is a veritable hot zone for burning loins on a mission to be cooled. But where is one to go when craving a no-frills hook-up with no need to swap digits afterward? If you’re over the romance, and have already exhausted our targeted tips for boys and girls—here’s a little something for everyone looking for a little something.

● Felix (Soho) - Your best bet for a little Sunday afternoon delight. Go for the brunch, stay for the booty. The wait for a table is so long that you will have met five potential hook-ups and ingested three Bloody Marys by the time you sit down.
● Hudson Terrace (Midtown West) - If you’ve read even one article in the past month about nightlife, then you’ve definitely heard of this highly publicized pick-up zone. Attractive people are flocking to the West Side Highway lounge for its large roof and loud music with a clear mission to make a match, for the evening at least. In fact, the music is so loud, you needn’t produce semi-witty banter before you begin to bump n’ grind.

It’s hard to stand out in a city populated by naked cowboys, that screeching guy who wears bird feathers and bells in Union Square, and Mike Nelson. But when the ships dock in New York for Fleet Week and its annual Memorial Day celebration, the Coast Guard and Navy mariners dressed head-to-toe in their white, starched uniforms aren’t exactly subtle. That said, a handy how-to on nabbing seamen might be helpful. (Full disclosure: They’re everywhere!)

● Lily Pond (East Hampton) - The 1Oak family will be hosting this Saturday and will have special events here all summer. The Grand Opening on Saturday has DJ Lee Kalt on the decks, and Sunday kicks off “1OAK at Lily Pond Blue & Cream” with DJ Jus Ske.
● Dune (Southampton) - AXE Lounge features DJ Phresh Friday night, DJ Mel DeBarge on Saturday, and Kiss & Fly hosts on Sunday night with DJ Berrie.

One of the most buzzed-about Hamptons openings this summer is actually a re-opening of sorts. A group led by Andrew Chapman, who owns August in the West Village (the group’s also rumored to include Jon Bon Jovi, Ronald Perelman and Renee Zellweger—but you may as well throw in Jimmy Hoffa, the Montauk Monster, and Jackson Pollack) is resurrecting The Blue Parrot in East Hampton. The opening’s been set back a few weeks (as just about every restaurant opening since the birth of the Candy Kitchen has been), but when it arrives, the Parrot promises to bring back the “Killer Mexican” still touted on the wooded sign out front, even though the place has been empty since 2006.

Zipcar is sold out. Your hedge fund boyfriend no longer has that Hampton compound (or the hedge fund for that matter). The gas prices at the pump read as high as the price tag on your Louboutin pumps. You are city-bound this Memorial Day weekend. Luckily, so is half the city, and they’re going to be out and about, enjoying all the local happenings sans traffic, suitcases, soaring fuel prices, and annoying mini-clubs. Here’s a short list of events approved for your day life and your nightlife.

● Memorial Day in Times Square - Yes, Time Square. Noontime Monday, enjoy a screening of the musical On the Town in the middle of Broadway at 47th Street. You need not fear the crazy cabbies and road-raging tourists; the city is clearing traffic from Broadway to create a pedestrian-friendly summer venue. After the film, dodge people—not Pontiacs—and take a long walk over to Hudson Terrace for light bites and a summery rooftop view.

Growing up, my friends had very traditional pets: dogs, cats, Tamagotchis. My family, being the eccentrics that they are (re: immigrants) made sure that my brother and I had something a little more fierce to play with. Our pet cougar loved us for ten passionate years before his unfortunate death at the hands of a demented hunter. My mother, saint that she is, told her distraught sons that our dead cougar was going to “cougar heaven,” a place where “cougars roamed free and never went hungry.” Little did I know she was talking about New York City.

It’s Monday night ... do you know where the kids are? Most likely, they’ve strapped on their dancing shoes and embarked on an extended weekend at one of these celebrity-laden, musically driven dance floors.

● Butter (Greenwich Village) - Butter Mondays, but what else is new? This party has defied New York City’s attention-deficit disorder pandemic since 2002. 
● Johnny Utah’s (Midtown West) - Nobody said Monday-night dancing had to be classy; instead, this midtown saloon hypes their bull-riding challenge for all the pretty service industry folks.

Despite being home to a man who claims he was robbed twice in a half hour, Iowa, as of this morning, becomes a safer haven to those seeking relief from the sometimes small-mindedness of the heartland. The state becomes the third in the Obama nation to legally recognize gay marriage. In all of its corn-fielded, starchy glory, the Iowan pastures are an ideal adopted homeland for the gay couple who want to avoid New York’s ruthlessness or LA’s agelessness. Or for those looking to live out their wildest Dorothy Gale fantasies, without the lynch mob trailing them (sorry Kansas!), short of spending a weekend at Princess Ozma’s in the West Village. Should you find yourself bound for Des Moines or the Iowa Writers’ Workshop in dire need of mojitos and catty banter (like WTFing over that preposterous claim calling Miley the new Judy G.) or just a kindred spirit to rejoice with, consider the following wealth of options. Sure, it’s not like Sherry Vine will come calling at any of these watering holes, but ridiculously cheap drink specials should pacify snobbier patrons.

Last week we commissioned our intern and woman-about-town Sarah to give us her list of the ten places in New York where guys are usually willing to dole out for her drinks. Granted, she’s about 5’10” and blonde—that’s her with a charming young escort above—but still, anything’s possible. Take it away, Sarah.

1.The Box (Lower East Side) - You don’t go here unless you want to get really fucked up. Because of this, there are many patrons surrounding the bar who are ready and willing to include you in their party because they are most likely already fucked up. Just flash a smile (maybe even a boob), and you’ll be getting free drinks in no time. If you find yourself in a stalker situation, you can always run and hide at the upstairs bar.