Probably because Dannii Minogue was unavailable for any singing-related duties, Sunday's Miss Universe pageant featured a sumptuous serenade by Heidi Montag, which was then summarily pulverized by bloggers, not unlike that thing involving our money and bankers last fall. And maybe such desperation, and the indignity of having to perform at a Miss Universe pageant, brands Montag as a new recessionomic heroine. God, I hope not. Anyway, to continue bludgeoning Montag at this point is like slashing the tires on a defeated nemesis' car, after already letting the air out. So in the spirit of retracting claws and not adding to a chorus of Captain Obviouses, perhaps utilizing the most dreadful word in the English -- one that's benevolently banal -- may be the best way to categorically breakdown Heidi Montag's big televised singing debut.

1. Her hair looks nice.

2. Her back-up dancers appear to be very "into the groove." Additionally, their smiles are rather nice.

3. Her song selection has the sense to sample this classic which was already so infectious that The Saturdays were able to get a top 10 hit in the UK last year by also repurposing it. Despite unoriginality, the song seems rather nice.

4. Her blazer seems nice.

5. Her body and choreography lend themselves to the song, titled "Body Language" and that sort of synergy is nice.