I'm really excited for the upcoming season of Lost, premiering February 2 on ABC! I've got Lost fever. The only cure is more Lost. I am tingling with anticipation! It's been too many months since we last left off on the story of the survivors of Flight ... uh ... Spoiler alert: I have never seen Lost. I have never tried to watch it, I don't know what's really going on with it, and I don't get why so many of you are nuts about it. I was almost positive it would get canceled before the story finished because the networks do crap like that and I've been burned too many times. Now my girlfriend is going to make me watch Lost this season, and I have to get into it or else I'll be sleeping on the fire escape. So here, I'll do my best to recollect anything I've picked up about the show by way of not actually watching it. Rather, this is what I've overheard at cocktail parties, gleaned from blogs and celebrity magazines, and what I've seen on Wikipedia. Gaps will be filled in by my imagination.

('’)Let's recap: Flight whatever-it-was crashed on an island, and the survivors of the crash became separated so that they'd keep running into new survivors all the time. The guy from Party of Five is the leader of the main group of survivors. This is because he is very good-looking. His main sidekick is a girl who appeared on the cover of Maxim, as that's the only other place I've ever seen her.

They run around the island all the time and get into dramatic situations with the other survivors fighting some super-secret company that has a website where people can spend hours trying to figure out secrets about the show (that will be all explained in due time anyway). The island is supposed to be deserted but there are all these hidden places on it, where there is much danger. People apparently die all the time. Some of them get shot, by a gun that was (improbably) left on a deserted island or carried on a commercial jet flight. A lot of these people are related somehow, in ways that they don't know.

One of the survivors is this crazy guy Locke, who does mysterious things, appears in commercials for the show with crazy eyes, and is very dangerous to be around, just like Russell from Survivor: Samoa. Locke dies, but, as in the case of (real-life crazy) Michelle Rodriguez, no one ever really fully dies on this show. Locke was killed by Ben, who leads a group of strange people who are already living on the deserted island along with the mysterious corporation with the website. Ben is also responsible for sending Harold Perrineau to die on a boat. That was a bad move, because Harold Perrineau is cool. Also, somehow Michelle Rodriguez got a DUI on the island.

There are a lot of other good-looking survivors on the island. It is the best-looking set of plane passengers I've ever witnessed. When they're not killing each other, they're either having sex or dying while trying to escape. This goes on for years until suddenly the writers have everyone back living in America. While they're in America, there's a scene where one of the survivors, this humongous fat guy, drives a van. (This is all I saw of the show last season.) He is really a big big guy. I had a heart attack just looking at him. I wonder where he got all that food on the deserted island to stay fat like that.

Apparently, when you survive a plane crash, you can never stop revisiting it with your fellow survivors, so they all group back together to go back to the island to have a big Last Supper-style dinner. I wouldn't ever go back to a creepy island like that, but it means that we will get to learn more about the corporation with the website. At the end of this (final) season, I'm pretty sure the guy from Party of Five is going to win at Tribal Council. Or it'll be the girl who was on the cover of Maxim.

Maybe at the end, they will tie everything up for us, though I would bet that it will be left open-ended so that there can be a movie. I would go see that movie in a second, especially if they called it Locke: Crazy Eyes.