Are you sitting at home tonight with an ice pack to your head, trying to piece together shards of last night? Why not keep company with the American Music Awards? I mean yes, Jennifer Lopez is going to perform, but if anything can inspire you to spew up memories from last night, it'll be J.Lo trying to make the phrase "Fresh Out of the Oven" sound like some weird sexual euphemism. There's no warm glow more reassuring than the bland predictability of the AMAs. These award shows are not only uninspired in their pick of nominees, but they're even less inspired with who they choose to award. Basically, the same seven performers appear as nominees throughout five make-believe classifications of popular music. Also, Lady Gaga, currently enjoying a boom of critical and commercial fervor, is going to win everything. Favorite Male Country Performer? Lady Gaga. Favorite Latin Album? Lady Gaga. Favorite Rock Duo, Band, or Group? Lady Gaga. Duh. More importantly, within every category, there's always one nominee who's obviously kind of a red herring. That performer never stands a chance of winning but is placed there to demonstrate the AMAs' rebellious streak. A highlight of such obvious losers after the break. Though with Mercury in retrograde, upsets are always possible.

ARTIST OF THE YEAR Kings of Leon Taylor Swift Lady Gaga Eminem Michael Jackson Most Obvious Loser: Kings of Leon. Maybe Eminem, but the AMAs would not want to risk losing whatever "coolness cachet" they've cultivated among angry suburban youths age 14-16 by making him such an obvious candidate for failure, so he has a fair shake at victory.

POP/ROCK, FAVORITE MALE ARTIST Eminem Michael Jackson T.I. Most Obvious Loser: T.I., for sure. When was the last we heard anything from him? 2006?

POP/ROCK, FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST Beyoncé Lady Gaga Taylor Swift Most Obvious Loser: Trick question. Taylor Swift is the obvious loser here, wedged into the pop category at the last minute to capitalize on the publicity she's enjoyed in the last few months. She'll earn her killing in the Country categories.

POP/ROCK, FAVORITE BAND The Black Eyed Peas Kings of Leon Nickelback Most Obvious Loser: Once again, Kings of Leon. The AMAs reward mediocrity and it's going to be a photo-finish between the other two for the winner of Favorite Boring Band.

POP/ROCK, FAVORITE ALBUM Lady Gaga, The Fame Michael Jackson, Number Ones Taylor Swift, Fearless Most Obvious Loser: Once again, Swift.

SOUL/R&B, FAVORITE MALE ARTIST Jamie Foxx Michael Jackson Maxwell Most Obvious Loser: Maxwell. He's up against an Oscar-winning actor and the King of Pop. Someone at the AMAs is clearly taking the piss.

SOUL/R&B, FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST Beyoncé Keyshia Cole Keri Hilson Most Obvious Loser: Keyshia Cole. One currently has the music industry wrapped around her ring finger and the other has a useful Timbaland affiliation.

SOUL/R&B, FAVORITE BAND The Black Eyed Peas Day26 Mary Mary Most Obvious Loser: Day26, if only because the other two have crossed over into popular culture to some degree.

SOUL/R&B, FAVORITE ALBUM Beyoncé, I Am... The Black Eyed Peas, The E.N.D. Michael Jackson, Number Ones Most Obvious Loser: Wow, Beyoncé. Despite having a strong original body of work, she's up against a band who owned the charts for about six months and, yes, the King of Pop.

ALTERNATIVE ROCK, FAVORITE BAND Green Day Kings of Leon Shinedown Most Obvious Loser: Shinedown? I don't know. Curiously though, this is the only genre not to earn its own batch of nominees for Favorite Album and Favorite Performers, Male and Female. I suppose that's why they conjured up "Pop/Rock," so we can live in a world where Liz Phair and Lady Gaga can be found next to each other in record shops.