How long has it been since Friends ended? 10 years? 50 years? 225 years? I really wouldn't know because the little I've seen of the sitcom has been in shards caught in syndicated reruns. And those shards form a hideous composite that make me relieved that someone, after enough time, pulled the plug on a show that did to New York City what Sex & the City would inevitably do years later, and much worse. Anyway, Jennifer Aniston, detaching herself from Bradley Cooper's firm underbelly for a few minutes, has made it known that if people want to do a Friends movie, they need to stop bollocksing around and get on with it already. Here's a run-through of how such a reunion movie should play out.

INT. Central Perk. Everyone but Phoebe is despondently gathered around a rickety old coffee table, sipping espresso. JOEY walks in.

JOEY: Hey!

[MONICA looks up.]

MONICA: Ugh, hi.

JOEY: How you doin'?

MONICA: Terrible.

JOEY: Yeah?

MONICA: More terrible than the acting career you carved out for yourself with that spin-off you had for two seasons that co-starred Jennifer Coolidge.

RACHEL: Why so terrible?

MONICA: Phoebe fell off the bridge when she was biking in from Brooklyn.

ROSS: That's terrible.

RACHEL: That's what Monica just said, Ross.

MONICA: Oh. That Phoebe was a free spirit.

JOEY: Yeah, living all the way in Brooklyn! Whoa!

RACHEL: [sighs] Such a free spirit.

[EVERYONE sips more espresso.]

RACHEL: Hey Monica, where's Chandler?

MONICA: Beats me. We got a divorce. I got our unbelievably huge, rent-controlled apartment, and he got the twins and ran off to Maine or Vermont or Iowa or something. Sucker!

JOEY: Whoa!

ROSS: Such a free spirit!

RACHEL: Ross, no! It's only okay when everyone else says "free spirit."

JOEY: Whoa! Why is "Lisa Kudrow" still on the casting sheet?

RACHEL: Because Ursula's going to show up later. Just you wait.

[CREDITS ROLL]