Apologies to all other pop stars of this year and years past. You're just now utterly useless. Footnotes in the exhaustive discourse about The Way We Are. Throw in the towel now. Whatever you do, you just won't outdo Lady Gaga. You could develop a drinking problem, leak a kinky sex tape, get yourself to rehab, threaten suicide, get into a scuffle with one of your similarly desperate peers, do charity work in a third world country, or even mull the prospect of neutering yourself. And that just wouldn't be enough. Because at the end of the day, Gaga will reign supreme. You are the shadows, other pop stars, and Gaga is the sun. Hell, even Posh Spice wilts under her towering likeness. The proof's in the lobster claws. Regardless, here's a breakdown of Gaga's three-pronged takedown of the entire known cosmos.

So sometime in the last 24 hours, Gaga's much-hyped tune featuring Beyoncé slipped through the cracks and turned up on the internet. As far as pop songs go it is fairly standard. Until minute 1:34 into the song, where Beyoncé pops up and proceeds to sass all over track. In fact, this anthem about the trials and troubles of telecom melodrama will set the rest of 2009 on its ear, making us deaf to whatever came out in the ten months before this exact moment. Have a listen:

Suffice to say that Beyogaga is probably the most epic thing that could've happened in the world short of joblessness immediately becoming nonexistent. If pop was dead in years past, it is very much alive and we've nailed down its most primal pulse. Now that Beyoncé's remixed "Video Phone" has emerged, with assistance by Gaga, the full force of Beyogaga can properly make us fully deaf and blind to all other developments in the world. Which is promising as It's going to be a dire winter too. So let's sink our mandibles as far into every last offering from the Haus of Beyogaga as we can. Listen to that remix here.

Then there's that other thing. The matter of the Gossip Girl cameo. Where Blair Waldorf blandly looks on while Gaga bops about in a 30-foot red dress mouthing along the words to "Bad Romance." The blink-and-you-miss-it cameo will probably be the soap's highest moment on Monday.

And if reviving a flailing drama two-and-a-half seasons into its run isn't enough, Gaga is also being summoned to wave a disco stick all over Lindsay Lohan's troubles. Having seen "Bad Romance," Lohan concluded the same thing we did: "LADY GAGA IS F*)K!NG EP!C !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But Lohan's ambitions don't end there. She wants to film some kind of short music video film with Gaga featuring them having a drink at some of the world's biggest hot spots. You could be scratching your head and wondering how Gaga giving Lohan the kiss of life would upend the world. And it's simple. Ultimately, we all love a good comeback story. And who better to play the part of the messiah than someone who frequently dresses the part?