Eurovision is the hilariously flighty, drunk aunt of American Idol who somehow manages to grift designer duds from Vogue's fashion closet but still has no proper idea how to apply eyeliner. Sure, sometime ago (34 years, in case you were counting), they were quite instrumental in sealing ABBA's place in pop. But times change, and things once in fashion become garish and unsightly; certain pan-European pop contest (no Americans allowed, and that means you, Paula Abdul) have since become parodies of themselves. These days, the pop idol sing-off is more a means for lesser nations that have been refused admittance into the European Union to reassert their pride and dignity. Having conquered America with Leona Lewis, the UK now eyes a new (albeit confusingly less lucrative) conquest: Central Europe.

Shunned year after year, Britain now wants into the Slavic-friendly fraternity of Eurovision winners, especially since their last victory occurred around the same time this band had any serious chance of a long-term career. Britain's secret weapon? Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sure, Webber -- the mastermind behind such overwrought theatre productions as The Phantom of the Opera -- is probably out of touch with the nuances of pop. But that's why he's gone and found himself a recent girl band graduate to be the face and voice behind his pop song. Jade Ewen is also noted for playing Simba's love interest in a West End production of The Lion King. Better (worse?) yet: Céline Dion's favorite songwriter has penned this effort. One would assume that in a serious bid to be a forerunner for pop music in this age of post-modern pop, the UK would take a cue from Iceland's 2006 entry into the pop contest. Always one step ahead with both their pop stars and prime ministers, the nation had a good laugh a few years ago, sending Silvia Night to upset the humorless proceedings. While Night probably made Björk cry tears of joy with her staged histrionics, it's a good bet that the Webber-Ewen-Warren juggernaut "It's My Time" will not only make her cry tears of anguish, but also send her retching. And we'll be there, crying and retching right alongside you, Björk.
Buy Phantom of the Opera Tickets