It’s lovely that today, everyone’s stepped back from hideously disfiguring America’s childhood to do something that most filmmakers have been doing since the dawn of the silver screen: hideously disfiguring popular icons! Say what you will, but Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp may be the closest thing to an accurate biopic of the troubled singer’s life we’ll ever get. But by all means that shouldn’t stop other thesps with varying levels of talent from wanting to
get off on being iconic for two hours in front of a camera pay their own tributes to Joplin. But let’s have a closer look at the top damsels scrapping it out for the role plus a bonus, if obvious, contender.
Vanessa Hudgens: Apparently she can still make time, while not probably leaking NSFW shots of herself to the internet to express interest in wanting to channel Joplin. Better than Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp? No.
Renée Zellweger: This is (thankfully) ancient history, even if snuggling up with Jennifer Aniston’s ex could be tantamount to heroin abuse in its own way. Better than Jackie Jormp-Jomp? Maybe.
Pink: So we know TK can do the whole Janis Joplin song-and-dance with ease. We also know she can do crazy just as well. She was even signed onto star in The Gospel According to Janis. But then the titular role was recast. Which pushed its intended 2005 release date back a few years. Better than Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp? Easily.
Zooey Deschanel: That is, Gospel was recast with Deschanel in the lead and a new release date set for next year. And while Deschanel’s own Joplin biopic also remains curiously stranded in limbo, she has the verve to pull it off, and net an Oscar for her efforts nonetheless. Better than Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp? Mm, it’s possible.
Lindsay Lohan: But let’s all be realistic. Lindsay is Janis, even if Deschanel beat her to the role. As we’ve learned in Lohan’s extensive oeuvre, she plays only one character well: herself. Her croaky-throated histrionics both on and off screen have groomed her into our own contemporary, low-rent iteration of the beleaguered rock icon. So, if only she could stick to work schedules and court a little confidence from the right producer, Lohan could easily ride her history of substance abuse to the top of Hollywood’s A-list. Better than Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp? Lohan is Jackie Jormp-Jomp.